Second Time Around (I'm In Love With This Song

God, I can't wait for this to come out. March 24th, be there, or be square!!!!

Have a burrito!!!



I can't quit playing this on my iPod.

I've been thinking how much I love the fact that Amy and Emily really do feel good about people sharing their music. I know myself, I've always love loved the live tracks as opposed to the studio tracks. There is something about watching a live recording that just makes me feel it more. It's the inflection of the crowd, the cheering, the sly smiles. I don't know, it just gets to me. It doesn't make me not want to buy, it makes me want to buy more music.

I'm so into my music right now. I got to work today, and thought I had forgot my new iPod. I swear I do love my red nano, but this new one. The huge one, with everything on it, has become a life line. I almost went into a panic. I started laughing at myself that I was soooo upset about forgetting my iPod. Then I found it in my purse, and couldn't believe I had missed it, but seriously folks, I love that stupid little piece of machinery. I love this one the best, I have 4 ipods, different generations, and my new king sized classic is my favorite. I can put movies on it, songs, video's off of Youtube. I listen to it all the time. I crack myself up at the importance of it in my life. Today I realized that I would go buy a new one in a heart beat if something happened to it. It is that important to me right now. It is the keeper of my soul you could say. You could probably tell a lot about me by inspecting my iPod and seeing the music that is on it.

I wonder, does anyone else feel this way about their iPod/MP3 player. I know there are other ones, but I will only have an iPod.

I'm babbling. I'm in Gemini mode as my friend would say. I've spent the night cleaning my house, getting ready for hubby's birthday brunch tomorrow morning. I'm feeling so conflicted about the whole thing.

I really do love him so much. At the same time, there is such a huge part of me that is missing. I want him in my life, I want to be married, and I don't want to be married. I don't know how to reconcile these two things. It makes me so sad. It feels like there is no right choice. I look at my kids, and wonder if I can just hang on? I know one thing. I AM a lesbian. I know this in my soul. I see it out of my eyes. I breathe it in.

I finally feel my reality. There is no going back for me now. I sometimes wonder how I missed it for as long as I did, and then the answer comes to me, that I wasn't ready for whatever reason. I suspect I needed to have my kids. I needed hubby's help through it, and I needed his help losing my dad.

I wonder what he needs? "T" asked me last week, do you think he will be devastated about this breakup, I answered honestly, I don't know. He deserves to have someone love him like he needs to be loved. I'll never be that person. I can be his friend, his family, but not his lover.

Finding the strength to talk to him would be so much easier if I didn't like him, if I didn't love him. If I were mad all the time. I'm trying. I feel myself inching closer all the time. I feel myself wanting to take his hand after the kids go to sleep, and walk him downstairs and say, "I'm so so sorry, but I can't do this anymore". I'm afraid of his reaction. I know he will be hurt. I also suspect he already knows it's coming. How can we live such separate lives, and not know something is really wrong.

Every time I make a journey to Walmart, I see family's shopping together, but that is never me. We never ride in the same car. We never go anyplace together. I go by myself, or he goes by himself. We do fun things, like camping and quad riding, but other than that, we don't do much. We parent together. We can still parent together even if we aren't together anymore.

I know he has been trying so hard, I'm sure picking up on me, and my feelings. He's not stupid, and I know if he can get past the addictive stuff, he is pretty intuitive. He doesn't want to know, but he does. He is reacting by being really good to me, which makes me wanting to get out of Dodge much more difficult.

I am so trying to have faith that it will work out in the end. That I can do this, that I can get past this, that he and I can be good friends and co-parents. I wouldn't choose someone else for my kids father, even with the addict stuff, he is a good guy and adores the kids. I know he loves me, but can he forgive me??

Damn, this is so hard. I feel like if I say one thing I HAVE to do it. How do I get out of this place?

This says it all for me tonight...lyrics from the above song.

The third times a charm
And this is mine
You said you heard Loretta sing
And you felt the loneliness seeping in
The cowboys made you uneasy
You’re a god-fearing lesbian
So you learned not to yearn
And you take it on the chin again
Here’s what I’ve found about compromise
Don’t do it if it hurts inside
Cuz either way you’re screwed
Eventually you’ll find
That you may as well feel good
You may as well have some pride..

Gotta love them....

Forgive my messiness. I wish I could be the end all, be all, but I'm a mess and I can't be anything but myself lately.

I'm still amazed that anyone even wants to read my painful blubberings.....I know there are women out there, like me, stuck in between the proverbial rock and a hard place. I also know there are women out there like me, who have gotten out of that place. Courage OC...Courage....peace and love is all you really want.

I love my friends, and thank you so much for taking the time to read this.

Oh, and tomorrow, I join the Wii generation!

Peace,

OC