The Water Is Wide

I'm done. Done with this place, done with this marriage. I am formally saying I am beginning to make my escape plans. I password protected my computer tonight for the first time EVER.

Suffice it to say without going into great detail and bashing hubby (which I could really do tonight and don't want too), today was about the worst day I've ever had, save my Dad dying. It was horrid. It made my blood curdle. I suddenly opened my eyes and realized I need, no I must, get out of here.

I felt like a single parent today. I did. I had to beg for help from him. I can do this better and easier on my own I think.

There are so many issues intertwined. I think it comes down to this post though.

I read this the day The Wishful Writer wrote it. It resonated with me like a ton of bricks. "Oh, that is what happiness is, plumped pillows and whirring computers and not wanting to hide from your partner". I've been thinking about it all week.

I can barely be civil to hubby this week. It's not just that I'm gay. It's that I don't like the person he is becoming. I don't like how he treats my kids. I don't like how he is letting this house sink to the bottom of the ocean.

I don't like how I feel ALL the time, except when I'm cuddling my kids. Most of all, I cannot live with an addict any longer. I'm becoming a person I don't even like because I'm so unhappy. My kids see me disappear into my room because I can't bare to be in the living room with hubby.

I am the Titanic. I am breaking up and sinking to the bottom of the sea, I need to catch the lifeboat before I freeze. Like Tim Robbins says in Shawshank.."get busy living, or get busy dying". I'm there.

God help me, I'm there.

I will not fall apart into a million pieces and leave my kids in dire straights, I'm stronger than that. But in order to be strong, I have to allow myself to see my weaknesses.

I have to confront my demons. I've been hemming and hawing all year, well now, I think I've finally gotten to the bottom of the pit that everyone has told me would come, when I was ready to move forward. Hit bottom and crawl your ass right back out. I'm tough, I've always been tough.

So folks, please bare with the certain frequent meltdowns that may be coming. I'm not falling apart, but I need to get my feelings out or I will. This is my venue for that. This is my secret private place to let my soul run free.

If I have to live in a tiny apartment for awhile with my kids, so be it. They sleep in my bed anyway, what is the difference? A warm, safe dry place is all we need.

I want to sell this house. I want to rent someplace and hang for a bit until I decide what I want to really do.

More is sure to come,

Peace,

OC