BearsMountain: A Re-Read

January 6, 2009

A Re-Read

I sound so blaming.

I'm not blaming my quality of life on hubby. He is imperfect, as am I. I want to be clear, I am taking responsibility for my own pain and anger. I am responsible for my role in this, and I am not a victim. I am in the process of taking my own power back.

I am making the conscience decision to take my life back, and make it my life.

I can choose to blame him for all my problems, but really, he is not to blame. I have a choice in this life I am leading. I've made some poor choices.

I am going to try hard to stay positive, and accept my own faults as I walk through this process.

Peace,

OC

6 comments:

Anonymous1/07/2009 2:19 AM
checking in, take care, thinking of you. poet
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Rose1/07/2009 2:27 AM
Dear One, Take a deep breath.
Just be. It is good you are writing about you feelings. Nothing ever happens before it's time. Please, for yourself, do not stay in a situation any longer than absolutely necessary that is on any level disrespectful or abusive to you as a person.
When do you see the therapist? Sounds like you could use a support system and a hug.
Keep blogging. You will be in my thougths.
I didn't think you sounded like a victim. You sound pissed. Anger is a powerful emotion. Use that power wisely.
You know, you can tell hubby you want a separation or a divorce without coming out to him right now. He knows things are not okay too. Do you ever talk to him about not wanting to be married anymore? I know it is much more complicated than any of us know.
Rose
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Anonymous1/07/2009 5:55 AM
Those of us who have been there, understand. Do not confuse your anger with hubby (which is real and valid) and your decision to live your life with self honesty. I left my wasband because our marriage was not right, not because I was a lesbian. I have no guilt, I did what was best for my kids and myself.

as for your blog being your place to express all of the anger, hurt, fear, frustration...all of the negative things...YEP! and thank the goddess we have them (our blogs). Can you imagine what would be seething inside of us if we did not write it out??
Sometimes I read back in mine and worry about sounding like such a whiny, unhappy bitch. But my blog is my place, to use as I choose...and I need a safe place to have my meltdowns, to put my negativity into words, so that in the rest of the world I can be a decent human being.
Hang in there. Do what you need to take care of you and your kids.
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Dharma Kelleher1/07/2009 7:25 AM
Taking responsibility for your choices and feelings is a powerful step.

In my recovery from addiction, I realized that there are only things we can control: our actions and our attitudes. And our growth and healing require us to take responsibility for these.

Trust the process. And remember that you are always worth loving.
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Mama Llama1/07/2009 6:17 PM
Responsibility is hard. Good for you, OC. I agree with Rose when she says to "Just be." Sometimes that is the greatest service you can do for yourself and your children. Be, but be true to yourself.

We are all here--you know that. And we love you.

Be well, OC.
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Dirk1/08/2009 9:48 AM
During a difficult time of my life I was a complete a-hole to my wife. I was completely depressed to the point of extreme desperation and I treated my wife like dirt because I just didn't care about anything. She should have left me. I thought she was going to. But, she did not... She stayed with me and I love her dearly for the sacrifices she has made for me.

It seems that you have two different major decisions and it is easy to mix them together. If you can raise your kids so that they are relatively unaware of friction with hubby, maybe that would be a good path. If staying in a "bad" relationship will negatively impact the kids, that is probably not a good thing. I prayed that my parents would get divorced so I know what it is like to grow up with parents that do not get along.

There will always be time to explore your sexual preferences when the kids are older.

Your in a really tough spot and I hope that you find the path that will ultimately lead to your own happiness.

Dirk
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31 & Falling -- Chris Pureka
Beauty & The Beast --Stevie Nicks
Blood and Fire -- Indigo Girls
Bridge Over Troubled Water -- Aretha Franklin
Cold Shoulder -- Amy Ray
Cross Over To Me--Caitie Curtis
Drift Away -- Dobie Gray
I Knew I Loved You -- Savage Garden
I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry -- Cowboy Junkies
If I Needed You -- Lyle Lovett
Imagine -- John Lennon
In Memory Of Trees -- Enya
Me & My Baby--Amy Ray
Rock & Roll Heavens Gate--Indigo Girls
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The Weakness In Me -- Joan Armatrading
Three County Highway, Indigo Girls
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36. I have a red car.
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