Do you ever wonder how many of us there are out there?

How many women, how many men, in need of friendship, living in out of the way places, who can actually find this wonderful little blogging community we've tapped into?

Much thinking about it tonight.

I'm sleepless, but then I'm always sleepless. One could speculate that I am sleepless because of my depression issues right now, and though that might just be partly to blame, it's not the real reason.

I'm sleepless by nature. Ask anyone who has known me for years, and they will tell you I am the worst night owl of them all. When I was young, I needed very little sleep. My bad habits are still with me, but now I feel it in the morning. I read somewhere that by not getting enough sleep, you can take actual time off your life, I wonder what that means for me? For the eternal night owl, who comes alive in the still of the night?

I should have been a vampire.

Night is when the magic happens, if only in my head.

It's purple and red and hazy and lovely. It's mystical and magical and it smells good.

I did it today. I went for my first visit to my new counselor. She is a LCSW. She was just what I needed so badly. The instant I met her, I felt comfortable. Like here is the woman that can take my hand, and guide me gently through this mess I call my life.

I pretty much spilled all, and I hadn't intended to do that today. I was going to be reserved, and hold my cards close to my chest, but she gave me the gift of letting go today. I told her I found her by looking gay and lesbian counselors. She seemed pleased. Not that I was trying to please her, but she said a great many people pick out a counselor by picking a name in the phone book. I shook my head, and said "no, I looked you up, I researched until I found your name, and I felt you were the right person for me."

I told her I was gay. What a fucking relief to say it outloud. She told me there is a large, very supportive gay community here, in my town, it's just that they are very discreet. I was stunned. She told me where "communication central" was. She gave me the names of lawyers. She felt that I must see a lawyer before I go anywhere with hubby, but she did start by suggesting I write him a letter.

I told her I didn't want to promise him, that if he fixed his issues I would stay, that I didn't want to say that because I was pretty sure I didn't want to stay, but that I did want him to fix his addiction issues for the kids.

She said, "tell him that this is what he needs to do, and that you really aren't sure if even that will make things work, but if he wants to have his kids in his life, he will need to fix it."

I told her I didn't want to take the kids away from him, or take him away from the kids, but that I don't feel comfortable at this point thinking of leaving them for lengths of time without this one thing.

She said I needed to work on my letter and once I gave him an ultimatum, I needed to be ready to stand behind that, no matter how painful. She echoed my own thoughts, get your house in order, get your cards close.

She is from CA. She understand what I mean when I said I feel like a fish out of water here. She said she spet her first 35 years in Sacramento and the Bay Area...

I just got such a warm feeling from her, like a gigantic mental hug.

It's just the beginning for me, but at least it is the beginning. It felt good to take some positive action today. We talked about Rachel Maddow and the new health care system and President Elect Obama and the hope we felt.

Other than this, it's been a bad week. My car broke. Really broke, in my garage. It was awful, mostly because of hubbys reaction to it. It was so expensive to fix but I have my Red Beast back. I was never so glad to give back a rental car. I rented a minivan, and there is nothing wrong with minivans in general. In most places, I might even own one, but I felt at a huge loss with out my 4WD. I didn't realize how much I depended on it. In the van, I felt myself slip and slide like I never do in my truck.