It looks so cold and winter-like out side right now. It's greys and blues and cloud white. Snow capped mountains off in the distance, and muddy looking snow in my yard. It's not that cold, maybe in the 30's?
So here I sit on my couch, with the kidlets, watching Sleeping Beauty while they munch on fresh buttered popcorn. I can't in good conscience give them sugar snacks when they are trapped in the house. So I figured for my two mini munchkins, high fat popcorn is better, they need the calories anyway.
Hubby is downstairs somewhere. He has just vacated as far as I can tell. I think I hear the TV, which probably means he's watching football. I haven't been down stairs in well over a week, how bad is that?
I'm going to try to start my letter to him tonight, and I'm going to go ahead and make an appointment with an attorney I think sometime in the next few weeks. The longer this goes on, the more clearly I see that I have to get out. When a dinky apartment with my kids sounds better than my nice big house, I know it's time to get moving.
I didn't get to finish this post earlier, as hubby came up and claimed the TV for football. So I guess even though he has the entire downstairs with 2 27 inch TV's at his disposal, we are supposed to give up the living room one on a cold blustery day and let his royal highness blast us out with football.
If today did anything, it really showed me that I'm on the right track. I feel like I've checked out. Not from my kids, but from him. It's like I let go last week, and now my anger is surfacing in full force, and it's hard to even talk to him. One more thing to do financially, and I will be in a much better position.
I'm setting a goal to make an appointment to get into see an attorney in the next month. That is about as fast as I can move right now. I really feel like I'm moving fast for me. I've been creeping for nearly two years, and now I'm moving. It's scary. I really need to let myself feel my anger right now. I need to be mad, or I won't have the guts to do what I need to do.
I spent the day listening to hubby, growl and yell at the kids. I finally took them up in my room with me, shut the door and put on movies. Then we all napped in the bed.
Small son ran around asking "daddy, why are you such at "grump"? Hubby just ignored him. Little Miss kept going up to him and asking him, "Why are you being so mean to my brother?" He ignored her as well. I watched this. I didn't actually interact in it, but I wanted to see what his reaction to their criticisms was. Basically, it was the same as me, he turned his back on them, opened the back door and lit a cigarette, puffing it in and out as fast as he could.
I hope he will get it, when life falls apart. I hope he will get what is at stake. That his kids are at stake. Boy have I changed my tune from this time last year. This year, as I've watched him sink into a hole of addiction, and watched him put our very lives at steak in a way financially, I've just become more and more angry. Angry for what he has done to me, and super angry about what he is doing/ leaving for his children. If this is the example he is giving them, well, it's about to stop here.
I talked again to my mom about the logistics of the money thing, told her I didn't want her "giving" me any money right now, but that if I did need it, to just pay the attorney. I don't want anything else construed as community property. If she is going to give me something, she can do it after the divorce is final.
I think he needs/must have in treatment care. I think he will refuse this. I think he is going to be angry and mean when the shit hits the fan. I don't know if I should try to just get me and the kids out of here, or what. I'm not sure we can pay the mortgage on this house if I move and my income is not available anymore. I don't know what he will do though. I'm tempted to get some of my stuff out of here into a storage facility for now. There is really very little I actually want. Most of my kitchen stuff, my bedroom stuff, and the kids stuff. I could give a rip about the rest of the furniture, Xmas decorations, etc....
How do you break up with children involved? What do you do first?
I think the kids will be happier if they are just with me, and get to see their daddy often. I honestly think he will be happier having that responsibility off his back. He's missing so much with his kids, it makes me sad.
Last night, I let small son stay up with me, and use the art program on my Mac. I have a new electronic tablet, and I was reading a book, he was leaning against me drawing, and I kept thinking how sweet this was, and how much joy this small boy gives to me on a daily basis.
This afternoon, while napping in bed with both my kidlets, I soaked up their love and strength. This fight I'm about to embark on is for me for sure, but it's mostly to get them into a better situation. How can I in all good conscience preach "don't do drugs" to them, if their daddy is an addict? I didn't grow up like that, and I don't want my kids growing up like that.
I want them surrounded by love, by positive influences, and by diversity and tolerance. I can do this, I am certain of it. I am finding my strength, slowly.
Peace,
OC
I think that every situation is different. Your hubby's addiction is a complicating factor...and it's a tough one. When you put your kids' needs first, you'll need to consider their well being while solely in their father's care. Is he likely to use (insert addictive substance here) while he's alone with the kids, especially overnight? If he is, then you will want to try and structure his access so that he doesn't have them, or is supervised in some way during those trigger times.
ReplyDeleteWhatever you decide, however this plays out, I'm hoping for better days ahead for you. Hugs!!!
25+ years ago, I left with 3 children. I wasn't aware enough about myself, I wasn't out even to me. I could not live with an alcoholic any longer. I had no job, and a small apartment in a town 45 minutes away. When I told him, it was fait accompli - "I am leaving", there was no discussion. I took what the kids needed to be in the world, and things that were mine. I took basics that belonged to me. I left him with a fully stocked freezer, and made sure I had food to take with for the kids to eat. (can you say enabler). We lived on the money he gave for child support. The only time I fought for anything was when he tried to get joint custody. I gave up any claim on anything financial for sole custody. All the ups and downs since and I still would not have done it differently.
ReplyDeleteYou can try to plan for every possibility (i am the queen of worst case scenario planning) but you will never cover all, sometimes you just have to act, and deal with the consequences.
I wish you luck and hugs.
Wishing you much strength through all of this.
ReplyDeleteI read yesterday about someones legal parenting plan where if the father didn't get treatment he was in violation of the order and didn't get visitation. A new concept to me but maybe you already know about it.
ReplyDeleteSending you good juju -