OK..bah humbug....
My tree is gone. I've never in my life been so glad to get a tree out of my house before. This one started out beautiful, but due to the snap of sub-zero weather we had in early December, we were using our fireplace constantly. By the time Christmas actually rolled around, it looked like tree jerky. It was OK at night, with the lights off, but that is all. In the day time, it was a sorry sight to behold.
I finally talked hubby into going for a fake tree. So we bought one after Christmas. If we aren't together next year, I'm taking the tree.
It's really weird when you think about not buying a Christmas tree on a great sale because you aren't sure you are actually going to be here next year. But oh well. Live life until life changes, then deal with it.
I feel like all I post lately is about how crappy I feel. I read other peoples blogs, and the posts are much happier, much lighter. I guess I'm just not in a happy place right now. I know I couldn't even get into decorating this year. Usually besides the tree, I put up all sorts of decorations. Wall hangings, garland in the kitchen and dining room and around all the windows. I put up cute statues and all the stuff I've saved over the years. This year, the tree went up, the stockings went up, and the rest sat in ugly grey bins in the living room, where they are still sitting.
Next year has to be better.
I've thought about telling hubby how unhappy I am, but I'm scared too. Scared because I don't know what I'm going to do, and mostly scared because I don't want to talk about it until I do because of the kids. I think starting counseling next week will be a big step in getting my head on straight. Then maybe I can sit him down and talk to him.
I did finally tell my mom all the financial crap that has been going on in the last 6 months. It was a relief to get it off my chest, and her offer of money for the attorney if I should need it is still there. It was good because she didn't automatically trash hubby either, which is something I don't want.
The other very wonderful thing is that we put the check in the mail today to pay off my student loans in full. Thank God. What a relief for me. I won't ever have to worry about that again, and with the possibility of single parenthood on the horizon, that is a beautiful thing.
I feel better today. The sun is shining, (its still bitterly cold) but the sunshine is so nice. It always amazes me here in Montana, that the coldest days in the wintertime are the ones that are as bright an sunny as summer. To look outside, other than the snow pack, you would never ever know it was 7 degrees today. Sun is good for the soul though, no matter how cold it is outside.
Peace,
OC
I've been where you are, OC, and remember how rotten it felt to just not be ABLE to feel good about anything because of life circumstances. Here is something I have learned over the years about that. If your happiness, your deep down happiness and contentment, is dependent on CIRCUMSTANCES, then most of the time you're not going to be happy, because circumtances are rarely, if ever, ideal. BUT, if you can reach for the inner joy, the joy of thinking about how you want to be, how you are with your kids, what you hope and desire for your life, just you yourself, and keep focused on that, rather than outside circumstances, then you will feel a lot better. Quit trying to control the circumtances and just BE who you are and WANT what you want. You'll feel a definite shift, I swear.
ReplyDeleteOh, and as to the new living room color(s), well you'll just have to check back, won't you?? ;-)
Happy New Year to you!
GG
been where you are. when its right, you will know.and you will be able to move on. Until then, take one day at a time, do the best you can each day, and allow yourself to feel crappy if you need to be.
ReplyDeleteI was there 25 years ago. I cant promise you the last 25 years have been perfect, but they have been mine.
Right now I have a new challenge, and as i work through that my blog shows it....right now i am pretty miserable.
But at some point i will come out of it again. You will too.
Hey, you write what you feel...we all do. If you don't feel happy, then you don't write happy and that's ok. You didn't lose me as a reader because of it and I doubt you lost any other readers either. As you've said before, we're your friends. I wouldn't quit hanging out with a friend IRL if they were having a hard time!
ReplyDeleteI hope the counseling gives you some insight and some tools to deal with your situation. I can't pretend to know what you're going through, but it really seems like you're getting to a point where you need to act or you're just going to be more miserable the longer you're in your current situation. Remember that money matters have a tendency to work themselves out one way or the other, so don't keep waiting for that situation to be perfectly ideal before doing what you need to do to be happy.
You need and deserve this change. Your kids will be fine because they know you love them. Your hubby will get to a place where he's ok too. 2009 just may be the Year of OC!!!
dropping in to say take care, and hopefully you will find peace within your heart. poet
ReplyDeleteHi OC!
ReplyDeleteBeen through similar times. It's damned difficult sometimes. Grumpy Granny is right.
Best wishes,
skeeter
Wow - congrats on paying off the student loans - that's huge! and awesome.
ReplyDelete