My Rebel Song

God, where do I start?

Found a house I really like today, that I am pretty sure I can afford. I've been driveling along, feeling sneaky for calling storage places and attorneys. Then tonight, hubby up and pops out he is looking for a new place to live and will move as soon as he finds it. He wants the house empty to sell it. I'm not sure how he is planning on affording it, but more power too him.

I told him tonight, considering that, when we get the money from liquidating our investment account, I wanted to split it up, and close our joint account. He replied, "we'll see". We'll see my ass. He asked me if I was going to hire an attorney, and I told him yes, and asked him the same. He replied, "that depends on how bitchy you get". Touche'.

So, tomorrow, renting said storage locker. Calling the realtor to see what the possibility is of looking at this house I found that I really like, and how hard it is to buy something while in the process of trying to sell, even if I have a large down for it.

Start packing. Therapy tomorrow. I bought 8 totes to put stuff in this weekend, now to fill them.

Talk to kids, I think Small Son is on to us. We need to tell him.

Sooshie has taken up residence on Little Misses' bed. She loves that. He also hangs on Small Son's lap all the time. He cuddles with me. Smart cat knows he's lucked out. Seriously though, I'm so so happy we got him. He is just what we needed.

Maybe I will get out of this yesterday. I'm even tempted to ask my mom for a serious loan to put down on a house if I can do it. I should get a chunk when I sell this house. I know she has money set aside for me, it would really help to get it now, to get me and the kids set up. I have no pride right now.

I talked to a dear dear friend tonight, and am feeling that loving feeling toward him. It's funny how you meet people that will remain in your life forever. I knew when I met him he was one of "my" people, and that was nearly 15 years ago now.

Most of all, I can't believe I'm almost out of this. Geezuz it's been a long haul. It ended up being much easier than I thought it would be really. Tell him, and get out. Who knew?

I am going to resolve to do what I want, when I want from here on out. I'm going to get rid of every bit of clutter in my life that he wouldn't let me get rid of before. I want an open empty home. I have no need for lots of "stuff". This has been going on for so long now, I don't know how to feel about it. I don't know how to go about letting myself feel free.

I've been mentally out of this relationship for so long, I am longing for some cuddles from someone besides my kids. I'm longing to be able to cook food I like and not have someone complain. I am longing to paint a room really red, because it's my favorite color and not have to "ask" someone if they like or don't like it. God, I just can't wait. I'm moving finally. You all said I would, when it was time, and you were right.

I've come out to most of my friends. I probably will to my mom soon. As for work, I probably won't. It will make my life harder than it needs to be, and right now I have no desire to tell hubby at all.

"Everywhere I've been's felt wrong to me. Can I just put my head on your heart, lay down and put my head in the crook of your arm? Everythings OK, I've been found again, been found again."

from Three County Highway, Indigo Girls