The Closet Inside of Me

I'm close, so close...

Courage, I keep telling myself courage OC....courage.....you are looking through the transparent membrane separating you from yourself.

Second Time Around

"Here's what I find about compromise,
Don't do it if it hurts inside,
'Cause either way you're screwed
Eventually you'll find,
That you may as well feel good,
You may as well have some pride."

I'm stuck on this song. I can't get it out of my head. It is speaking to me so strongly right now. I need out of this. I spent the night tonight in therapy trying to work out how to tell him. How to tell him everything that is weighing in on my soul. How to tell him I want out, but it's not his fault. How to tell him, that even though it's not his fault, there are issues so big between us, that he has to fix them.

How to be kind and compassionate to both myself and him. How to tell him I still want him in my life, I still want to be family, but I don't want to be married. I want to move. I want to have my own house. I want to be free to fall in love. I want him to fall in love. I want...I want....the thing is, I have no control right now, not really. And what control I do have, is a complete illusion.

So there you go. I've sort of gone into blank mode this week. I think it hit me my internal check list is done. It's all done. Nothing stopping me now, except my own fear. But what am I afraid of? I talked at length today in therapy about this. I really am afraid he is going to be mad at me. In fact, I know he is. That will make it totally uncomfortable and icky. I don't know how to actually "tell" him. I've gone from letter and running away for the weekend, to telling him in person. But how????

I feel so isolated. "T" said there is a lot of support out there for me, I have to go get it. I know where, I just have to get there. I need some friends to help me through this on a daily basis. I need to know there are people in my local life who give a damn.

I've told another good friend of mine this week. That leaves almost nobody, save my mom, hubby, and a good friend here, whom I'm not really sure I'm going to tell at all.

I'm not sure I'm going to tell hubby all. I will have to see how he takes it. How I take it. This has taken nearly 2 years of processing to get to where I am now.

I talked to "her" quite a bit this last month. "She" has finally admitted she is either a lesbian, or bi-leaning lesbian. I'm not sure that she knows. But she is pretty much "out" in her community. How is that possible? I'm struggling. I am in agony, and she just "comes out". She is much more "out there" than I am though, not to mention single and no kids, and unencumbered. It makes it easier I'm sure, but I can't help not being horribly jealous that she just "came out", and I'm still stuck here in funk land, listening to IG music to keep me from dying inside, and planning my escape.

I think the scariest thing out there for me right now, is that it's time. I haven't been "putting it off" until now. I have been preparing. Now, if I wait and wait, I will be in essence "putting it off". Please somebody tell me I will survive this . "T" keeps telling me that all will be better when it is all "out". I believe her. I just have to get from Closet to "Out", somehow. I know my struggles are no harder than anyone else's, but they feel harder to me.

I was talking tonight about how hard it must be to come from some back water little town, and be gay, and "T" said sometimes it's easier, because anger is a great motivator. That is true. I have noticed that since I have not been as angry with hubby, it's been much harder mentally.

I keep trying to soak up the "family life" even though it is screwed up. This will be the last time I'm part of this type of family. I'm trying to get my head around being a single parent of two high needs young children. Trying to get my head around the fact that I suck at homework. That hubby does much better at homework than I do. I can barely get lunches together for my kids before school.

I'm a fuck up in the mornings. I need MY coffee almost before I get anything for the kids. I keep telling myself that part of the hardness of this all is that I am so unhappy. I am battling depression like I never have. I'm sure this comes from many area's. It comes from being gay in a straight marriage. It comes from having a fucking hard stressful loss filled 5 years behind me. It comes from knowing I'm about to hurt somebody I love dearly. It comes from knowing I'm going to be breaking up my kids nuclear family. I've never had more than seasonal disorders before, now I battle full blown depression.

It's a good thing I'm a stubborn Old Crone. I refuse to sink into it. It's a choice. Even when it's chemical I think, it's a choice. It's a choice to medicate and live, or not medicate and fall down. I'm strong. I admit I can't handle this by myself. I need help. Thank the goddess for a wonderful intuitive female doctor who believes in me, and a wonderful therapist who has walked my walk and really understands it.

It takes knowing I have addictive tendencies and fighting the urge to have a drink. Although tonight I did give in and have one, and it felt good. But I'm so super hyper aware, I allow myself very little "escapist" vices. I need to feel this. I need to be clear headed. But sometimes, coffee just doesn't do it. I have no worries about it really. I've been able to control it my entire life. I once in awhile let myself have a drink to relax. I don't make a habit of it and I cop to it when I do it. My drinks also are pretty light, compared to what I get when I go out, or what my friends drink. It's all my years of al-anon that come rushing back to me. I know I'm not an addict, BUT...and this is a big BUT, it could go there in a nano second. So once in awhile, I indulge, most of the time, I just write.

I think about what I want my life to be. About what I've always wanted it to be. Happy. With kids. I can have that. I can teach my kids tolerance. I can teach them so much. I can teach them compassion. I can teach them about being true to themselves. I also think that I need to make a life here, in Montana. So that they can be close to their dad. Who other than having a few problems of his own, is really a wonderful dad who loves them beyond measure.

After working this out in my head, I've realized that if he and I can come to some sort of agreement about the addiction stuff, then this could work. I can assure him I do not want to take his kids away from him. That I feel so strongly they need him in their life, just as they need me.

I can assure him that as long as he really abides by the rules I lay out, I won't bug him. I've been thinking about all the stuff I've said over the last two years of blogging about his addicitons. They do compromise his life. They do. But not to the extent that it prevents him from functioning. He is never out of control. He is never where I don't want him around the kids. He is kind to the kids, and for the most part, he is kind to me. He has been kinder of late even, I'm sure physically picking up on the fact I'm about to shake his world upside down for awhile.

My great hope of hopes, is that once he is done being angry with me, (I know he will be) that he and I can mend fences, become friends, and parent our children together in a way that works for both of us. He is the type of father, for the most part, that I have wanted for my kids. He is kind to them, and he loves them, and he is affectionate, and takes care of them. I have come to realize a lot of what I have said, has been my anger at him. My anger at myself for putting us in this situation. I have to forgive myself for this. I didn't know, didn't realize that this was going to happen. I have to somehow hope, that the person I married, is the person I married. The person that does not bail in the face of extreme stress. The person who might get angry, but won't be violent or yell, but who will soak it in, and then deal with it. I think by pushing him in this way, it might actually bring out the strong side of him.

I know I have been confusing my anger at him, with my anger at myself. I do have very good reasons to be angry. That has to be said. But that being said, there are no life and death reasons to be angry. I married a calm, non-violent man who is super open minded, non homophobic, and pretty much reasonable most of the time.

I can't expect him to be happy with what I have to say. But I can expect him to take his time to deal, then to come back and be the guy I really like and love. I want him in my life forever. He is forever ingrained in my life by my kids. I wouldn't trade him in for some other man in a million years, faults aside. I've been doing so much thinking and pondering on this. I chose him as the father of my children for a reason. He has his issues, but he has his wonderful, kind compassionate side too. The biggest thing I can say about him, is that he absolutely adores his kids, and loves them beyond reason. He never bails on them, and he is always there for them. He is kind to them, sometimes with some coaching from me, but he is. He never says mean degrading things to them, he just loses his temper sometimes, but so do i.

I sound like I am justifying this to you, my readers. I am not. I am working this out in my head. Trying to get ready for the task ahead.

One thing I've been grieving terribly, is the fact that he and I probably won't go out 4-wheeling like we always have. I love riding my 4-Wheeler. I adore it. I need it. There is nothing better than getting out in the woods, going and riding and seeing nature. It's my favorite thing, and we have a rhythm. A routine. I bought the kids helmets this year so they could start going with us. My hope of hopes is that we can still do this stuff together as a family. That we can separate, have our own lives, but also come together and be a family and parent our kids together. It probably won't happen, but that is my hope, my dream.

I only have so many years in this life, it's becoming so clear to me as I get older that I won't be unhappy. Even if I'm alone and true to myself, then I'm better off. Not living a lie will be freeing. I hope I find that woman to love, the one that will love my soul, and not care about my fat legs, and be happy I can cook her a fab meal and spoil her rotten. If that doesn't happen, then I grow into my Old Crone moniker, and get back into hat was important to me in my previous life, pottery, nature, ocean, writing poetry, listening to music that stirs my soul.

From my blog, I've met some wonderful women. My blog readers I think know me better than anyone, save Sta...No one will ever know me better than Sta.

Having her back in my life, feels complete. It was the worst feeling to not have her in my life. I can't wait for the day, we get our kids together at the beach, and have a vacation. A vacation at the hostel in Point Reyes, doing things we've done our whole lives, that our kids have not. Our kids should be siblings. They need to know each other, in more than a passing relationship. I have hopes that they will form a family relationship.

She is the person I trust most in this world. I know you are reading this dearest Sta...and I thank you for the Santa Cruz beach pictures, and for knowing what I need, and for being my friend and family for so goddamn long I can't remember what it was like before. For being my chosen family. For forgiving me for being an ass of the worst sort. For finding me in this life, and choosing me. I love you so much.

The world righted itself when we fixed it. I hope you know that. Like I said in that long ago email, we were supposed to be old ladies, rocking on a porch together, growing old together. We are doing just that. You are my touchstone. You are the person who knows me with no explanations needed. I'm crying writing this because I hope that you just know what I mean. I know you do. I sense that, just like you sensed that I NEEDED SC pictures. Someday I will go back to my beloved coastal home. Just not yet. It never feels far off. It never feels away . I've spent too many years, too many hours driving that coastline with you. Coffee in hand, and wonderful conversations by me and zoning by you. Don't you miss that. The constant Gemini/Cancer Jabbering vs. the quite Aries contemplating?

OK, I've written a book tonight, much of which only one person in this world will understand. Oh well.

I'm working my way to the finish line. For those of you that have been reading me for so long now, you know which finish line I'm speaking of.

Eternal love and hope,

Peace,

OC