I saw this chica last night at Walmart, I swear she looked like the girls I went Jr. High with. She had "Angel Wings" in her long brown hair. Not the new version, but the old version. She was also about 100 lbs, and had on the required skin tight jeans...she was probably my age.

How weird, that she is still wearing the same hair style she was then. You know she has to be, people don't go back to that, you know? She is one of the women that has never changed her hair. Then I got in line behind another 40-something woman with "wings", these weren't quite as good, but "wings" none the less. I want to know, how they don't know that this doesn't work? Maybe it works for them, who am I to judge. Maybe they are happy with themselves, with their hair and 70's clothes.

I ran away from home again today, just for a little bit. I went and got my hair cut, and think I can sneak in an hour or two of "me" time, it's all I will have this weekend for sure.

We are putting Little Misses "big-girl bed" together today, and I need to really get the house clean because of hubby's surprise BD party next week. I need to be able to wipe with Clorox wipes and get stuff clean on the fly next weekend. I don't know why I'm so committed to this. We are doing a "brunch" thing, so his friends that work the swing shift can come.

I'm feeling much more peaceful at home. I'm not sure why. I think I finally gave myself time to slow down and really process. When I started therapy, I was feeling under the gun to "get out" right now. I still want out, but don't feel the pressure quite as strongly.

I have been taking care of myself a bit better, insisting on "me" time, and not feeling guilty about it. Letting him take up some slack with the kids, trying to find out what I want.

I suspect he knows what is up, I really do. I can't figure out if he is being nice because he is afraid of me leaving, or if he is being nice because he is resigning himself to this.

I keep remembering, that except for his crap, I really do like hubby. I would have never married a jerk, or a homophobe, or anything like that. I almost told him the other night. "T" says it will probably be a "relief" to him, because it will get him "off the hook". Like, look, she did not leave because of me, she left because she is queer. I don't know.

She has assured me, that the laws in MT will not prevent me from my children. So he and I do need to have the "talk" or the letter or whatever soon, but I think it will go much better if I'm not in such a bad place emotionally.

I'm Yin and I'm Yang. I go up and down. At least this week, I've had a break from the damned pain and emotional torture of the last few weeks.

Peace,

OC