Bloodied Hearts

Tonight we had BBQ ed hamburgers for dinner. The kids ate on the "little tables" in the living room, I ate on the couch, and I looked up and hubby was sitting at the kitchen table, legs crossed, hamburger in hand just staring at me with the strangest look on his face. "He knows", I thought to myself.

I know I came home from therapy tonight in a funk. I had a hard time of it. I felt cluttered inside. I still feel that way. I feel chaotic. I feel sad. I told one of my very best friends tonight about being gay. She asked me "why I didn't tell her before, that didn't I know what her reaction would be?" I told her, of course I knew, that I knew it would be a non-issue, but that I had a hard time verbalizing it to anyone right now.

We talked about it, and it felt good. Then she said in that sarcastic tone she gets that I just love, "OC, don't you know I luv ya more than my luggage." Touche'

I needed to tell her.

She has been such an important person in my life now for so long.

We talked on the phone last night, and she asked me, "when are you going to tell me what is going on?" I told her as soon as I "could". I guess therapy tonight gave me the courage to tell her, since I walked out of there with my cell phone in my hand.

She and I have been through so much together. She held my hand through the nightmare of my first pregnancy. I've held her hand through multiple serious illnesses and the birth of her daughter and the ensuing 6 week NICU stay. We are bonded by time, by the loss of other important friendships, and the vow to never lose each other so many years ago now.

I told her tonight, as far back as I remember, I got my emotional meals from women, and then said, "look, I'm even doing it right now, with you, but that doesn't mean I want to sleep with you." She said, "WTF is wrong with me?" Followed by a big belly laugh. There have only been a few people in my life I've had such a friendship with, and I don't believe any friendship I've had has been through as many hard times. We found out together that she has MS. Then she was diagnosed with Lupus, and now RA. I sat and held her hand through spinal taps, and took her to scary doctor appointments. She drove me to the doctor more than once with my son and sat through the torments of that pregnancy.

A few years ago, I couldn't find her. She wouldn't answer her cell phone, no one answered her house phone. This went on for about 10 days. Toward the end, I was calling her about every 10 minutes, leaving messages on her house phone and cell phone. I was sure she and her hubby were dead, and no one thought to call me.

I was completely freaked out, when finally she called me. She said she was at her dad's and she was sure she had told me she was going. I told her flatly, NO, YOU DID NOT TELL ME, and you ALWAYS tell me when you are going. I told her to never do that again, that she scared the shit out of me, and I had thought she was dead. She told me she had more than 150 missed calls, all from me on her cell phone.

Instead of laughing at me, she totally got it. We are like that. We are worry warts. We worry together. We are mothers together. We have both had delayed children and hard ass pregnancy's.

Neither one of us can keep track of birthdays so now we call each other and say, you know tomorrow is my birthday you had better say Happy Birthday before you forget?

Not that we had even remembered, but you get the picture. She is one of those rare friends you get in life that will tell you that you have snot on your face, that you are being bitchy and that she loves you.

I'm getting closer to the end. If you were to read back in my blog, I set some goals for the beginning of the year, I've nearly met them all at this point. I'm getting close, and I'm more scared than I've ever been. I talked a lot tonight about how hubby was going to handle it. I am actually now leaning toward telling him the whole story. Not telling him in a letter, but telling him myself, in our home. I feel myself about to crack and getting stronger at the same time. I want peace for myself, my kids, and for him.

I'm gathering my strength. I'm trying to build a reserve. I don't know what is going to happen in the future now. I know it probably won't be as bad as it feels like it is going to be. The not knowing is worse than the reality I'm sure.

Peace,

OC