I couldn't sleep last night. Well, I guess that's wrong, I did sleep, I just didn't sleep very well.
Therapy last night. Hard Hard Hard…
I told her how I was feeling guilty because this week he was being very nice, and considerate, more like the "old" hubby. I told her this makes it even harder for me. It's easier when he is being an arse.
She said it was good that he was being better, but she suspected that he was really feeling it, and was doing this for a reason. Good or bad, I know this is probably true. I'm resolved, but this is so hard. This has nothing to do with my being gay, this has to do with my family breaking up.
I feel horribly guilty. I am desperately unhappy all the time.
I was reassured by her though. She told me some things that did relieve my mind. I think she can see clearly where I cannot. She said she suspected the one thing I was going to need a ton of help with was the guilt I'm feeling. I couldn't agree more.
I just really like this woman. When I was crying about how I didn't see how I could have missed this huge part of me until I was 43, she told me she didn't figure it out until she was 53. That was such a major relief to me. She understands. She is a professional for sure, but at the same time, she is human and really understands what I'm going through. I need that.
I told her how I was homesick for CA. I told her how I hashed things out with "her" the other night and felt such relief. She said it was because I was able to be really honest. I told her how I walk around feeling like I fake, like I'm hiding, and she said, that's because you ARE right now. You are hiding everything. She told me once it's all out, I will feel better. That it will be hard, but inside I will feel better. I suspect she is right.
I'm tired of feeling like I'm walking on eggshells with everything. Like I can't have a really honest conversation with anyone. I need some SF energy. I wish I had enough time to take a week from work and just go home and hang out with "my" real friends. The ones that know me and that I have no issues with them knowing everything about me.
I think back to a year ago, when I was blogging so much about keeping it together, and being able to live with this. Who was I trying to fool? I know I was not fooling my readers, I was fooling myself. So many of you have walked the same road I'm walking right now, kids included.
Surprisingly, I never expected the inner pain and turmoil that is mine right now. The pit that has taken up constant residency in my stomach.
The utter sadness I feel all of the time.
Because the fairy tale is not working and never will.
Peace,
OC
I guess I missed the fact that the counsler has walked the same path. That's awesome you were able to find her.
ReplyDeleteIf I could be 3 inches tall I'd stand on your shoulder and shout: "(Ch)uck guilt! your being true to yourself and your kids!"
Hubby's going to have to be a big boy and deal.
My motto is "never say never". You'll live your fairy tale at some point. Don't give up in becoming your true self.
ReplyDeleteYou'll get through this and the fairy tale will end that much happier because you did.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you, OC!
Oh what is a fairy tale? and who gets to write it anyway? you do - and right now you move there one painful step at a time. But the struggles you face now are going to make things easier, more honest and more authentic down the road.
ReplyDeleteyou are growing - it hurts, it's scary think of the alternative. not growing - that is not what you want.
peace-
janet
One thing my counselor said to me...it made so much sense...was..."When you feel sorrow, take a look backwards and see how far you've come."
ReplyDeleteYou have. Even in the few months that I have been reading, you have taken giant leaps forward. And you will reap the rewards of your hard work some day soon.
Your processing a lot right now, and you will continue to process. But since it's not "killing" you, it's making you stronger, really. Even if you can't see that yet.
ReplyDeleteI didn't finally accept who I was until I was 35, when I sought out therapy and began hormone replacement therapy. Now, two years into this, I still feel the horrible frustration of not having my wife truly understand this and even admit this week to me that "I don't want to live with Lori."
All all all I know is that I have to remain authentic. I have to live true to myself. Everything else MUST come from this. If not my life is done.
Hang in there, hon. Take a hug from those who care...whenever and whereever you can.
I am so proud of you. You are going to get through all of this pain and embrace your new life but the journey is filled with lots of baby steps first.
ReplyDeleteSounds like you found a wise therapist with a gentle honest approach.
Guilt is anger towards self. Let yourself off the hook. Guilt is so repressing and will only hold you back.
Your children will be just fine as long as they know how much they are loved.
The guilt is the worst but your level should be less than most... you didn't know. I knew when I was 21 & got married but I thought I could change. Being married for the next 18 years was a daily struggle with guilt that I took the place of the woman that he should have had that would have loved him the way he deserved to be loved. I almost died of the guilt and when I knew I was at the end of my road and had to come out, I felt a whole new sense of guilt. Fortunately for me, he became a raging A-hole and put me through so much crap that I don't fel the *slightest* twinge of gult anymore. I am where I need to be and he's on his way to finding the wife that he was meant to have. Glad you have a therapist to talk to. Sending hugs and kisses...
ReplyDeleteS-
OH.MY.GOD. you ARE me! i cannot believe how much alike we are. i too started doubting my sexuality while i was still married. and i was 35. i came to see that we grow up at some point, and everything we thought we knew, had, and wanted, had changed. i also learned that the people we are most attracted to, are usually the mirror that is needed to reflect parts of ourselves that have been hidden, back to us to claim. follow the energy, it's there to teach you and help you become the person you were always meant to be. my hetero fairy tale ended too, and very sadly, as well. he was the only man i have ever loved. he was my very first love. but he isnt my last.
ReplyDeleteC