Fed Up Friday

I woke up early today, to hubby cussing under his breath that step-dog had taken a crap in our bedroom floor. She did this yesterday as well. I don't honestly know what is going on with step-dog, but this is not the problem.

I cleaned it up yesterday before work. I picked up the pile, used the shampooer on it, and nearly lost my gut. So I'm laying there, waiting for him to come at least pick up the pile this morning. He had no idea I was awake.

He was downstairs, smoking a cig, (I can tell that open the door to smoke noise anywhere), making his coffee. I finally got up to use the restroom, this has been a good 20 minutes later. He comes in and says he "just" found it and that I was going to need to clean it up because he had to leave for work.

I called him on it, I said, "you just found it?" He said "yeah", then I said, "that's funny, I think you found it about 20 minutes ago." He got mad and said something under his breath, and went back downstairs and left. What the fuck ever...

I think what is starting to strike me about my life, and my marital problems, and the whole thing, is that things that would have rolled off my back before, like this, don't anymore. I get mad beyond reason. In my head, I'm like..."check", one more thing to add to the "I don't like you list."

He is leaving on Sunday for a camping trip with Small Son, and I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to him being gone.

Some of the things that I've noticed are happening to me.

I used to be quite anal about making sure my kitchen was really "clean" before bed. This included wiping all counters, stove, microwave, putting everything away, scrubbing the sinks. Lately it's all I can do to get the dishes in the dishwasher at night. I'm just not keeping things as clean as I would like them. To me, this is a sign of how I'm feeling mentally.

I go back and forth, constantly, feeling sorry for him, and disliking him so much I want to flee. When he kisses me good night at night, I hold my breath as I have no desire to even give him a peck goodnight. I hate this. I feel like I get all strong in my mind, then action wise, it's so much harder.

Maybe this is how it happens to everyone though. The slow decent into non-intimacy. I'm not talking just sex either. I'm talking basic hugs, kisses, hand holding, talking, the things that make any marriage or partnership work.

The more this process goes on, the more I realize I don't want to be here. I just don't know how. I don't know how to break up like this. I know that I'm secretly happy every time we get in an argument lately, because I think, maybe this is the key that will get me out of here. It's not though.

The key that will get me out, is when I get my head around it, when I'm strong enough to tell him that I can't be here anymore, and I'm taking his children and am going to make a life for myself.

I'm going to make my mantra for the next 6-months, "get strong." I need to get strong. To believe that I will make it through this loss. Breaking up means so many things. It means losing the only house I've ever owned. It means becoming a single parent. It means having to shovel snow myself. It just means so much.

It also means, being free to fly like a bird toward happier times.

Peace,

OC