I just re-read what I wrote this morning.
Something hit me like a ton of bricks just now. I haven't NOT felt this knot in my stomach in so long, I don't remember now. It's this constant, thinking about "it". About my life, about what I want to do. I never just get to sit and not think about it, it's always on my mind. On a good day, I have moments where I'm not obsessing about it, but most day's, I'm distracted, off in my own little world.
How did I not notice this? I tune it out with music, writing, blogging and my kids. But it's getting harder and harder not to hear the truth that is trying to beat it's way out of my soul.
I feel like I'm being secretive. I'm not I don't think, I have told most of my really good friends all or most of what is going on with me, the people I haven't told, probably won't be told at all.
I want this knot to go away, it's pure anxiety. It feels like sometimes I can't catch my breath, and I think it is causing heart pains. I even had an EKG done this week to make sure I was OK.
Sometimes I just want to pick up, run away from here, and back to somewhere that I feel free to be me. No wonder everyone migrates to the big city huh?
Peace,
OC
I lived like that until the (now) ex called me on it. He was perceptive enough to see what I couldn't - that my attempts to "make it work" were failing badly, and that I needed my freedom in order to be true to myself. I was in physical pain for weeks, I shut myself in my office and wouldn't come out, I ignored all that's good with my life because what I wanted, what I needed would not leave my consciousness. I feel somewhat more balanced now, but with coming out to my family looming large, I'm also very nervous and scared.
ReplyDeleteI'll work on the meme tonight. I promise.
When you run OC, you want to make sure you are running TO something and just not AWAY from something. Issues and problems can sometimes follow us when we change environments. You are going to have bad days during this time of transition. But please remember good days are ahead and that you are strong and you will get through this. Take a time out, relax, and get your thoughts together. The last thing you want to do is make yourself sick.
ReplyDeleteOh, darling...I wish I could appear with wine, chocolate, dinner, hugs, etc. I know. I hate the "secret" game. I hate everything.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you have to go through this. Be well--as well as you can, OC.
Although experiencing much different issues, I share your pain of always having that 'knot in your stomach'. My only advice to you is to take time for the things that get you in touch with the positive energy in your life. Whether its your kids, or music, or some sacred place - make sure you have some positive to balance out the negative.
ReplyDeleteMany hugs coming with this comment.
As somebody who has had panic attacks on and off for 30 years, I hope the EKG turned out fine and the anxiety shifts for you. Took me time to figure out how to deal with it all, but it can be done.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could give you advice, but you're working through it on your own and that really is the best way.
ReplyDeleteYou'll get there. I hated the knot in my stomach days. Hate them when I have them now.
so many truths. be gentle with yourself.
ReplyDelete