Serenity is hard to come by these days.....

I came home from getting my hair cut tonight, to find hubby sitting in front of the TV, glassy eyed, full glass of wine in his hand, smelling of wine, dinner not started, and kids running around. I had told him on the phone earlier not to expect me to come home and make dinner after getting my hair cut, but this is what I came home too.

I got online on my laptop and checked my email, blogs, etc.., then I closed my dear little Macbook and just watched him for a few minutes. Wondering all the while, where did the man go that I married?

Finally I took a deep breath and decided that I had to say something to him about his drinking.

Here is some back story I have never blogged about. Before I met hubby, when he was married to his first wife, he was a terrible alcoholic. He quit drinking years ago, save for the occasional small glass of wine out with friends. Wine wasn't his drug, it was beer and brandy. The entire time I've known him, this worked for him, and I really haven't given it too much thought. We'd go out with friends, he's sip on a glass of wine, usually with me finishing his for him. This has been the status quo for the entire length of our marriage.

Hubby has told me of how he used to drive home from work everyday with a Bud between his legs. He has told me of the drunken partying that went on. He has told me of all the brandy he used to drink. My sister in law has told me what a mean drunk he was then. He was completely different than he has been since I've known him (nearly 10 years now). She has told me how he was almost verbally abusive to his first wife, and how inconsiderate he was of others feelings. Naturally, I listened, but as this wasn't MY hubby, I stored it away on the back shelf of my brain.

Keep in mind, I grew up in an alcoholic home as well. My mom was a functional drunk. She would come home from work every night, and drink herself to sleep on scotch and soda, most of which I made for her. Her father was a terrible alcoholic as well. I come from a long line of drunks.

I've always realized I have the same potential, the same genes, so although I have had my fair share of drunken nights, and parties, glasses of wine with friends, I've never crossed the line in an out of control way, except maybe for an occasional night out. I know I could easily cross the line, I choose not too. I enjoy a drink, maybe two. I know I can fall down the rabbit hole if I'm not careful. I know my limits. I know how easy it is too lose yourself in an addiction if you aren't aware of your own limits.

I'm digressing, but I am also trying to give you a little insight into what I have been eluding to all this time. I realized, maybe two months ago, hubby had gone from the occasional half a glass of wine, to a very small glass of wine EVERY night. Still it was a small glass that he sipped on, never refilling it. About a month ago, I realized the small glass of wine had become a large glass of wine. Several times in the last few weeks, I've seen him get a second glass.

This in and of itself is not that concerning, if you do not have his past. But for me, the red flags started shooting up all over the place. Everyday...check, amount increasing...check. First thing he did when he got home....check. Oh Fuck...here we go.

So after thinking about it all day, I decided to try to talk to him about it tonight. While sitting on the couch, I told him I needed to talk to him for a minute. He immediately looked at me and said "What" in a very defensive voice.

So I took a deep breath, and said, "Honey, I'm worried about you." He looked at me blankly, and said "why?"

I said to him, in my calmest Old Crone voice, "because you are drinking too much."

He immediately said, "I am not, I'm just having ONE glass of wine."

I took yet another deep breath, and said, "I know, but you used to only have a glass of wine once in awhile, then it went to a small glass of wine every night, now you are drinking a LARGE glass of wine every night, sometimes two." I then looked at him, straight in the eye, and said, "This worries me because you ARE an ALCOHOLIC."

He looked at me and said, "I know, but this isn't what I used to drink, it's not beer."

I said, "I know, but it is alcohol all the same, and you are walking the fence right now, you either are going to fall down again, or you need to jump back off."

I could tell he was angry at me, but I expected him to be angry at me, I expected him to be defensive, and I knew the only thing I had control of tonight was my own voice and actions. If there is one thing I've learned about my husband after all these years, is generally he does listen to me, after he has time to process what I've said. I'm hoping this is what he is doing right now.

I decided I wasn't going to nag at him tonight, I said what I needed to say out loud. I got up and went and helped Small Son clean the playroom, and took Little Miss to the potty about 12 times, and just gave him time to think. I didn't say another word tonight. I'm going to wait and see what he does, what his response is. If he stops. If he doesn't stop.

You see, there are two separate issues going on in my life. My own sexuality being one of them. The other, is that my children's father, whom I do love, is about to take a big tumble, a big fall. Now, I do not intend to be co-dependent with him, but I do intend to try to help him. To try to help him see what I see. I have no idea if he will. I will be ready for the fallout if I need too. This is one reason I can't tell him about me right now.

He hasn't fallen over the fence yet, and I still believe he can pull himself back, if he chooses too. That is what I want. I don't want him being drunk again. I don't want him parenting my children in an addicty way. I will step in, I must. I must do what I need to do for me, my kids and him, but at the same time, I know that this is his battle, he must fight this demon without me. I can support him, I can't fight it for him.

I know I do want out of this marriage. But this is the man that has never once, let me down, when I really needed him. This is the man that would do anything for me. I owe him kindness and empathy right now. I don't want to add to the burden he is already carrying.

I also know, that there will be a time, that I will have to tell him that I am a lesbian. I think I halfway wonder if he knows this, and that is part of the reason he is drinking again. I don't hate him, and I'll never hate him.

He will always be an important part of my life, because he is my kids father. I want him healthy. I want him around. My kids need their daddy. More than that though, they need a healthy sober home to grow up in. I will make sure they have that, no matter what I have to do to do it.

Peace,

OC