Train Wreck Tuesday

Do you ever feel like you are the worlds biggest walking train wreck?

That's how I feel today. Probably just PMS, but I hate it when I feel hopeless and lost. I think the only thing that will make me feel better today is some loving from my kidlets. That will always pull me out of a funk.

I must work on being grateful. Be grateful to the universe that has given me so much. Be grateful I do have enough strength and tenacity to actually deal with my life. Be grateful that I have the friends I do.

Today I am feeling so damned lonely. I really am. I want some time with my "real" friends. The ones that know me inside and out and who love me in all my fucked up messiness. I think one of the hardest things about living in rural America for me, is that there are not that many people "like" me here. Everyone seems to be "normal". They go to church, they have family around, they have their happy little life. I know this is probably a big illusion, but on days like this, it gets to me and makes me want to run naked down the hallway of some government building just to mix it up a bit.

I also started missing my kitty so much yesterday, and it's still hitting me hard today. I don't know that it really has hit me too much. I still haven't cleaned up his mess in the laundry room.

The kitty box and food dishes are gone, but I finally told hubby I was having a really hard time going in there, to do anything, to clean it, to do laundry, etc... I need to do this, but every time I walk in there I burst into tears, and start missing him all over again. It's like the last ruminants of him are in there, and as gross as it is, there is part of me that doesn't want to get rid of it. I just can't believe my old friend is really gone.

I'm just sad today. Aunt Flo came to town and I'm having my own personal pity party.

Peace,

OC