Send Your Love

It's a good life…

That's what my mom said to me the other day. Your life looks like the perfect life from the outside looking in. In a lot of ways, she is right. I have a good life. I have a husband who loves me. I have children I adore, and who love me back. I have a job I really like, and I have been blessed with many, many good friends in my lifetime.

The problem is I never seem to get "there." I don't even know where "there" is, except that I'm getting much closer to 50 than I can bare to think about, and I still don't know where "there" is.

I had a dream last night about my best friend coming to visit me with her daughter. I haven't seen her in years, and haven't seen her daughter since she was a baby.

I went to pick them up from the airport, and I instantly recognized her. The feeling of love I feel for her is so intense. In my dream, I'm sure her daughter looked just as she does in real life. I've seen many pictures of this child over the years, and I'd know her in a crowd.

When I picked up my friend, she was walking the wrong way down the moving sidewalk at the airport (my little airport doesn't even have a moving sidewalk) and I was walking the opposite direction talking to her.

I looked around, and saw my grandma coming toward us in a wheel chair. My friend knows and loves my grandma and we were both happy to see her. For some reason, at this moment her daughter wasn't with us, she was picking up the baggage. I don't know why we would let an 8 year old do this by herself, but we did.

Once we passed grandma (that's all we did was pass her on the moving sidewalk and wave), then we went and met up with her daughter. I don't know where my kids were. We were on our way to the fair, to stay in a camper and meet up with my mother who was working at the fair selling cotton candy. We were so happy to see each other, and my mother, as usual got mad because we left her out of the loop.

I know this dream went on and on after this, but I don't remember any more. But it did put me in a reflective place, thinking about my life.

So back to "there", I think we were trying to get "there" together.

I am going to be talking to some people this week, to get some referrals for a few different things to help me move along my process. I'm excited about this, and scared at the same time.

I feel myself wavering quite a bit. My hubby brought me coffee to work today and brought my kids to me this morning so I could kiss them. Sometimes, at moments like this, I wonder what in the heck am I even thinking about? How can I even think about leaving my marriage, my life, and starting over for the 2000th time?

Then my reality slaps me in the face, and I remember why I must keep moving forward.

I guess there is no time limit on me finding my way through this. I will get there when I get there. No one is expecting me at the finish line for now, except myself. I can only move at my own pace.

I know I'm not the only one who has gone through this. I know I'm not the only one going through it right now. Still, it hurts like a knife in my soul. I take solace in music I've never listened to, in friends I've never met, and in things I've never done.

As Sting say's so eloquently in the song "Send Your Love"

Finding the world in the smallness of a grain of sand
And holding infinities in the palm of your hand
And Heaven's realms in the seedlings of this tiny flower
And eternities in the space of a single hour

Send your love into the future
Send your love into the distant dawn

Inside your mind is a relay station
A mission probe into the unknowing
We send a seed to a distant future
Then we can watch the galaxies growing

This ain't no time for doubting your power
This ain't no time for hiding your care
You're climbing down from an ivory tower
You've got a stake in the world we ought to share

You see the stars are moving so slowly
But still the earth is moving so fast
Can't you see the moon is so lonely
She's still trapped in the pain of the past

This is the time of the worlds colliding
This is the time of kingdoms falling
This is the time of the worlds dividing
Time to heed your call

Send your love into the future
Send your precious love into some distant time
And fix that wounded planet with the love of your healing
Send your love
Send your love

There's no religion but sex and music
There's no religion but sound and dancing
There's no religion but line and color
There's no religion but sacred trance

There's no religion but the endless ocean
There's no religion but the moon and stars
There's no religion but time and motion
There's no religion, just tribal scars

Throw a pebble in and watch the ocean
See the ripples vanish in the distance
It's just the same with all the emotions
It's just the same in every instance

There's no religion but the joys of rhythm
There's no religion but the rites of Spring
There's no religion in the path of hate
No prayer but the one I sing

Send your love into the future
Send your precious love into some distant time
And fix that wounded planet with the love of your healing
Send your love
Send your love

There's no religion but sex and music
There's no religion that's right or winning
There's no religion in the path of hatred
Ain't no prayer but the one I'm singing

Send your love
Send your love

Peace,

OC