Time In A Bottle

I've been doing much thinking today.

This weekend, I've had a trip down memory lane with music courtesy of YouTube.

Right now, I'm back to listening to Melissa Etheridge. Music. It's so much a part of me. Of who I am, of what I need, and who I want to be.

I have such a hard time believing I'm as old as I am. I feel 20 inside, except more mature. I look at things, and I wonder, am I still seeing this out of 20 year old eyes? My body feels older, and I can see myself looking older in pictures, but when I look in the mirror, I look the same (well maybe except for the chin hairs).

I think back, to all the things my grandma has told me over the years, that she didn't feel her age. That her memories of past times were so clear. That's how I feel sometimes. I'm not ready to be this close to 50, but at the same time, I don't really want to go back either. It just plain freaks me out that I am approaching 50. I know, I have a little over 5 years, but still, I can see it, it's there, looming up at me.

I have a feeling sometimes though, that my 50's will be a happy time for me. That by then, I will have finally broken free of all that is constraining me, and will be living in a much happier, freer place. One thing that is coming with this advanced age, is that I don't care much anymore about what people think of me. If they like me, fine, if they don't, that's fine as well. There is a certain freedom of getting to this milestone.

How can it be, that I've been out of high school for 26 years? That doesn't even seem possible. The time between 25 and 40 is what really flew by so fast. It was a mere heartbeat in time.

There have been few constants in my life. My friends, really one friend, who is more like family than a friend. Then there was my dad. I lost him 5 years ago last week. That is impossible for my brain to comprehend sometimes. I can hear him so clearly saying "Hi Kid", like he would when he would call me on the phone.

He is still around me, I feel him all the time. Now don't go thinking I've gone all "ghost busters" on you, I haven't. I just can feel him glide in and out, check on my kids, check on me, and then take off for awhile. I feel like he checks on Little Miss the most, since she is the one he missed. Small Son, he got to hold him, and love him, but Little Miss, came nearly 2 years after he died.

This is what makes me certain that time is a free flowing thing. That our lives run in and out, and meet with people for very specific reasons.

There are those people, you meet, and for some reason, they will be in your life forever. You may not even realize it in the beginning. They are the ones that become your chosen family.

Then there are the people that come in for long chunks of time, but who do eventually leave. I believe there is some lesson that you need to learn together, and when that has been completed, you just sort of drift out of each other's life.

There are the people you lose. The ones that are not supposed to be lost, but still, they get lost somehow. You can feel their energy around you, but their body is not. You have no idea where they are, or what they are doing, but the connection is so intense, it doesn't matter.

You know you were meant to run into each other in this life, maybe just to give each other a high five, and keep on walking. Maybe they are just an intense soul that even though you don't have anything to do together this time, you still need to connect. These are the people that I believe you meet, and you nearly ask them, "is it you?" and you have no idea why.

Then, there are the people you meet, with whom you have an instant connection with. It's sexual, it's intense, and it's short lived. It's very emotional, but it will leave it's mark on your soul forever.

Finally there is family. Family. Not sure about this one. But there they are. It feels so different to think of my family, as in my family unit, my mom, dad, sister and myself, as compared to my family now, Small Son, Little Miss and Hubby. I can't imagine having a relationship with my kids, like I did with my mom. Hopefully I've worked through it all now, so that I can concentrate on being a good parent to them.

With Hubby, this one is complicated for me, as he is family. He will always be family just because it was with he that I created this family with. He will always be the father of my kids, and the one that helped me achieve the biggest dream I've ever had. It's not a soul mate sort of love for me, it's more like we like each other for the most part, but the sex life is gone, and he sleeps in another room. Still our basic values are pretty similar, and I know he wanted these kids as much as I did.

So where is the final chapter? The all consuming soul mate love. The "I can't keep my hands off of you, I want to tell you everything about me, and here let me make you happy forever love?"

I have to clean house. I am gaining courage. I think back to where I was just six months ago, and I am so much further ahead, that I need to stop worrying about why it taking so long.

Sort of a jumbled post, sorry, I'm about to fall asleep.

Peace,

OC