Here Is The Thing....

I told myself I was going to go to bed. I started the dishwasher, checked the kids, brushed my teeth, washed my face, and even put away my Macbook.

My mind is racing.

It is probably because I just watched the debates, but I can't even think about that tonight. I'm burnt out on it. Not on acting, just thinking about it tonight.

I have pile of new books I want to read.

Once upon a time, before I had kids, before "she" came into my life and turned it upside down last year, before I felt like a crazy mess, I used to be a voracious reader. It's an old old love, and I just can't seem to get past the block I've gotten around it. I think I spend way to much time fretting about my life, my feelings, what I want to do with my life and where I want to go.

I think my concentration has just left me high and dry.

I think my obsession with reading political sites and news magazines has taken over.

I think I'm more in love with my Macbook than ever, because it is my portal to the life I really want to have. Because I feel so isolated here, it really is the most important connection I have with the world right now.

A good friend of mine sat down with me at work today, and we were chatting. We haven't had time to catch up in quite a while. I realized how much I can't tell her about my life. I mentioned that I was volunteering for Obama, and she just looked at me, and I knew right then she was voting for McCain.

She is a born again christian, but has never tried to convert me, or pull me in, she is very normal and I love her, but I also know, what her values are, and what church she goes to, same as Sarah. That makes me very cautious.

Part of me wants to explode, tell everyone I'm gay, run away to the beach, with my kids and live my life. But I know, that the best thing right now is for me to just keep this to myself.

I don't know what kind of custody issues I may face later, what people may or may not do or accept, and until I'm ready, I'm better off with my "real" internet friends who know the deepest places in my soul.

I've still noticed a shift at work though, which is odd. I used to be in the know all the time, now it's like I'm just not there. I'm sometimes afraid that someone has found my blog, and put the pieces together and now because I live in redneck land am being treated this way because of it.

I may be paranoid, but this is the feeling I have, and I know how my co-workers feel about being gay, and usually my gut is right. That is the scary part, usually I am right. It's the feeling like no one will talk to me, and it is just weird.

Last week I lost the remote control to the TV, and I kept feeling it was on the couch, in this certain place, I looked everywhere and couldn't find it. I lifted the cushions, looked on the floor, and everywhere else in the house, but I kept going back to this certain spot, even though I couldn't find it. A little while later, I pulled the cushion up at a different angle, and there was the remote, right where I had thought it should be. Gut or not? I don't know. I know it's not impossible to think that this scenario could happen, and probably will at some point.
The people who don't judge me, and will hold my virtual hand when I need it. It may not be physical, but it is emotional, and so here I sit, once again pouring out my soul.

I really am over her. I am. I'm not over what she has done to my life. What she opened up in me, and what I now know to be my truth. That is a place I can never go again.

Now I know who and what I am. It is a relief to at least know it. To not lie to myself, even if I am lying to everyone else.

I'm nearing the bottom, I'm not there yet, but I'm getting there. I wish I didn't love hubby as much as I do, it would be easier. I wish he had more family to rely on, but he doesn't, nor do I. We are both sort of in the place where all we have is each other. This is what makes this so stinking hard. I like him, I'm mad at him. I love him, I'm not "in love" with him. I haven't had sex in so long I can't remember at this point, and I know I just don't want to go there anymore, not with him. That isn't fair to him. He will at some point either A. confront me on it (not likely) or B. just turn into an angry mess.

Oh well, it's all too much for me to take in tonight. I'm going to put my iPod on, listen to some music, and try to go to sleep.

Peace,

OC