Saturday Musings

I'm sitting here today, fighting with myself. I promised I'd go do some phonebanking, but I really don't want to. I have to take Little Miss to a Birthday Party this afternoon, and she is in a challenging mood. If I phone bank, I have to take her with me.

I'm also feeling crampy and bloated from you know who.

I'm not sure if I blogged about this before, but a few months ago, I bought myself a new sweet Canon IS5 camera. I got a great deal on it from Costco, and have been pretty sick of my old camera and all the shots I was missing. Well, I have to say, besides the Jeep I got Little Miss for her birthday last year, this is the very first thing I've ever bought like this without running it past hubby first. Mostly because I believe that major purchases should be a joint decision. But this one, I was pissed at him, I could (I thought at the time) afford it, and I did want it because I've been so frustrated with my old camera.

But just like any thing you get on the sly, I didn't really "enjoy" it much. I didn't feel like I could "use" it whenever because hubby didn't know I had spent money on it. I used it only when he wasn't around.

Last night, I said to heck with it, and let him see it. He was mad, but he didn't act mad. It was weird. I said, are you mad, and he just said, "yeah, but it doesn't matter anyway." I can't get my head around this. Does this mean he is not wanting to push at me?

I was reading a few blogs this week, and I realized again, what I want and am missing. I want to feel happy with someone, to have a partnership with someone that is as excited about me as I am her. I don't want to be put on constant "ignore" status.

I wish to hell I knew what to do. I want out, and I don't want out. I want some passion in my life, and want to change my life, but at the same time, cheating is something I pretty much abhor.

I'm getting more and more sick of living where I do by the day. I want to be coastal again, I want my beloved ocean again, I want to go somewhere where people have actually heard of "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" and don't look at me with two heads when I tell them what it is and just how many midnight showings I've been too.

People I work with, just don't get it. There is racism and sexism and all kinds of 'isms there, as there are here where I live.

I think, sometimes, that by being here, maybe I can enlighten them a little. But mostly it depresses me a lot. I don't feel like I have any sort of real support system in place here because most of the people I know have no idea about the "real me", and would probably dislike me because of those very factors if they did. Fear rules so much. Fear is the culprit of most of the ugliness in this world.

OK...now I need to decide if I'm heading out for phone banking, or just going to crash with my kid, take a nap and then go to a birthday party.

Peace,

OC