Saturday Night Live

I've been doing a lot of thinking tonight.

It's been a difficult day emotionally for me. I was supposed to phone bank. I bailed to take a nap with my kid.

Then a dear friend called and I was so happy to talk to her. At the same time Small Son came home from a birthday party he had gone to, woke up Little Miss and Hubby stealthily (is that a word) migrated down stairs and took a "nap". So, now now not only was I having a hard time talking to my friend, but now that both kids were up..they were running like horses all over the house. No way to yell at them and talk, so I tried my best to ignore them. They are like puppies, the first thing that happens when I get on the phone with anyone, and they instantly start pestering me.

I was so mad at Hubby for bringing small son upstairs, when he could have just as easily taken him downstairs with him and they could have both napped, Little Miss would have gotten a nap and I could have had a nice long much needed phone call.

So, I've been sort of irked since then. No, not sort of, pretty much horribly irked at Hubby.

For so many reasons. My house is trashed. He won't do anything to help me, unless start a fight. I've been mentally having such a hard time keeping it going lately, the minute I get one thing cleaned, the kids mess it up. The minute I vacuum they crunch food in the carpet. Hubby leaves crap all over the counters, and doesn't seem to know where the garbage can is. I want to give up.

So back to this afternoon, I took Little Miss to a birthday party, and that got me out of the house for a bit. Small Son was crashing out just as I was getting Little Miss and I ready to go, and Hubby finally came upstairs after his 2.5 hour nap. I was steaming, and I let him know I wasn't happy, and that I thought he had been inconsiderate.

When I came home, we had an OK night, but I was in one of those, I'm irked with Hubby moods, so the kids were totally on my nerves. It's like he just doesn't even notice that I'm losing it.

He doesn't notice. How can you not notice???

I think the biggest indication is my house, it's gone from fairly clean and tidy to a mess, all the time. I don't talk to him that much, and I have no interest in him moving back upstairs like he has suggested, the only thing stopping him is that he wants us to buy a new mattress for our bed because he doesn't like this one. I said no.

I continue to be overwhelmed because I'm exhausted all the time. I never get a full nights sleep, and I long for him to just help me. To say, wow, you look tired, "I'll do the dishes tonight." He never does, and I've quit expecting him too. But I feel like a single parent living in a double wide. I'd probably be happier if I were actually.

He does do a lot with the kids, but he only does it when it suits him.

Next weekend he is taking off with his friend to go "fishing" all day. So no help that day. He did suggest though, which surprised me tonight, that I drive down to Wyoming the week after that to see my grandma, by myself without the kids. I may do it. I'd really rather drive to the beach, but I don't have enough time.

I just wish that he would notice when I'm sinking. I think this is the core reason things are falling apart. Not the sex, not that I don't love him, but that I am angry at him all the time because he is letting me and us and the house and kids sink.

I want a real partner, one that cares if I feel like crap and doesn't make me feel guilty if I do. One who wants to talk to me and and hang out with me. One who doesn't zone me out all the time. Not to mention I'd like a healthy sex life back again, but right now, that's not happening.

I don't like feeling resentful and angry at him all the time, and that is not his fault. I have a choice, I know I do, but I'm having such a hard time making this choice. Sometime I'm going to have too though, I'm dying inside.

OC