Mondaaaay

Monday, it's a sleepy day.

I've been thinking this weekend, I've been doing a lot of that.

I keep wondering where was I in the early 90's, mentally? I mean this in the sense, that I was one of the people that was not paying attention to what was going on in this world.

I watched a TV show on Bosnia this weekend. I remember this, but I don't remember the details. How could I have not known what was going on there? How did I not know??

What was so important in my life, that I didn't realize there was a holocaust going on, and I didn't notice? I sat in tears this weekend. Feeling real grief for the first time over this war, grief because it happened, and grief because I did not notice.

Have you ever found yourself in the place where you feel like you have opened your eyes, for the first time in your life? That's where I am this year. I'm going to remember 2008 as the year my eyes opened wide. The year, I took off my proverbial blinders.

I have always had my political beliefs. They really have not changed, but I really am ashamed of myself for what I didn't know, for what I didn't want to know. I voted, I researched the issues, but I think, for the first time this year, I felt them.

I don't know if this even makes sense. I wish I had been more self-actualized before. This year, is the year I feel like I've come out of the fog, into the world. This is the year that I know I'll never see things the same way again. I don't know if this has to do with me being a mom, or me just getting older and wiser or both.

I know, I was very into "me" in my life before. I wasn't very into "the world". I have to refer to it as my life "before" because that is the only way I can really think of it. Hopefully, I will learn, and grow stronger now. Hopefully I will become the person I've always known I could be, but have not been.

So anyway, changing subjects, I've been busily listening to Air America today at work. One hot topic is Barack's nastay smoking habit. OK, I admit it, I don't care if he smokes. I'd rather him NOT smoke, but as a former chain smoker, I can't even imagine trying to quit, as you were walking into one of the worst political messes there has ever been. I was severely addicted to cigarettes, and I didn't start smoking until my early 30's. The first puff, it was over for me.

The ONLY reason I was able to quit, is I became pregnant, and from somewhere deep inside, I found the strength to quit cold turkey. I have to admit also admit, I LOVED smoking. I adored it. I met many of my good friends standing outside my building in San Francisco's financial district, on both sunny and rainy days smoking. Most of these people I am still friends with. There is something so communal and primal about it.

I remember, the day I quit, I was talking to my good friend Kim on the phone, it was 10:30 pm at night, 3 days after I found out I was pregnant, and I smoked my last cigarette with her on the phone. I then hung up and put everything in a huge pile on my kitchen table with a note for my hubby to take it all away in the morning when he went to work. I quit, of this I am so proud of myself.

On September 25, 2002 at 10:30PM I quit smoking.

It took 3 days for the physical addiction to go away. I felt a giant "woosh" while sitting at Starbucks having a cup of coffee with my evil then boss. It was done, and I had to learn how to re-do everything without my lover.

I was pregnant, I nursed for 2 years, then I was pregnant again. During this time, I only dreamed of a cigarette.

I have never, ever picked up another cigarette. This is "my" reason. One drag, one little drag, and it will be all over for me. I can't be a "social smoker". I wish I could be, because I probably would, but I know that I would go right back to chain smoking. I would probably not even have enough will power to NOT smoke around my kids.

So I don't smoke. I don't even consider it. But I still miss it. I still have major cravings when I'm stressed out.

So, am I upset that Barack smokes? Yes. I wish he didn't. Does it really bother me on a personal level? No. I have total empathy for him, and the battle he is probably going to face because of it. It makes him even more human in book. One great man, who still has his own battles to fight. I wish him the best, but I honestly think now is probably NOT a good time to try to quit.

Hopping off my ever present soap box…

Peace,

OC