Read at your own risk...I'm warning you now.
So I'm sitting here, a little buzzed from two strong JD and Diet Cokes, and it wasn't even my idea. I came home from work tonight, and sat on the couch looking at my messy house with the beautiful Christmas tree, the 2.5 blond blue eyed kids and huge yard, after a trip to Walmart in the freezing cold.
I must have looked miserable, because hubby made me a drink. I didn't ask for it, but damn if I didn't drink it. He said I looked like I needed to relax...ummm duhhh.
Work today, my boss, came up and said, "Um...OC, you know you are out of sick time right???" I said, "Yeah, I know."
He then said, "well that means you need to use your annual leave for the days you need off over the holidays." I again said, "Yeah, I know." Then he dropped the friggin bomb on me. "Well that doesn't leave you any time for the days you've requested." I looked at him, I'm sure blank faced, and said, "Well, can't I just take it off "unpaid?"" He then said, "I have to check with my boss."
Since when did unpaid time become an "issue." is what I want to know? I have no one, and I do mean NO ONE to watch Small Son on the days I requested off." Hubby won't or can't take it off, and it's only 3 days anyway. I need the days off for my mental health, and now I'm stressed about this. What the fuck???? My little boy needs me. My little girl needs me. I need them to feel like me. I hurt so much, that I don't know how to keep it together right now. I need a month off in CA, not 3 days off worrying about my job.
It's too much, it's just too fucking much. I can't work full time, parent full time, and keep my house in order. I forgot Small Son's "show and tell" today. Fuck me. I'm a crappy parent. I forget school things, in the hell of the morning of trying to get two kids and my own sleep deprived self up and out of the house, I'd forget my god-damned head if it wasn't attached. I have no ability to get myself ready the night before because I'm too fucking tired from getting myself ready in the morning.
I went out and bought Little Miss repeat clothing I can't afford tonight because she throws a fit in the morning if she doesn't have her "Merry Christmas Dora shirt" to wear every day. Seriously, it's that bad. I can't get it off her. So I bought more. It's the only way I can deal with the mornings...to just let her wear fucking Dora everything. Dora panties, Dora shirt, Dora Sweatshirt, Dora Sketchers. Dora Dora Dora....
I didn't tell hubby, I just drank the whiskey. I don't tell hubby shit. I tell someone else. I listen to music, I dream of the woman I want in my life, and I feel like I'm falling in a cold dark hole. I do mean cold too, it was -20 below zero this morning, by the time I got Small Son to school, it had warmed up to -18.
So there you have it, my pathetic attempt at a life, or a lie...
I think my anti=depressants are not working well. I really feel bad. I want to cry, but I'm back to not being able to cry. I feel a constant knot in my back, in my stomach, in my chest. I feel a desolation I've never felt before.
Just a little more time OC, and things will be worked out as well as they can be, and then maybe, just maybe I can think of trying to get out of this life, this marriage, this farce.
Until then, I listen to Amy, I dream of freedom and warm beaches. I hope for a time when I am happy. When I am fulfilled. When I touch someones soul, and they actually touch me back.
I listen to "Blood and Fire" by ARay and get strength from it every day. I keep telling myself, hold on girl, hold on old girl, you can make it through this. You WILL make it through this to the light on the other side of the tunnel, but sometimes the desperation I feel is almost unbearable.
The loss of my beloved city of love and peace and acceptance is so incredibly hard to think about right now.
Even the potential loss of my marriage, it hurts so fucking bad, for as bad as I want out, I need out, I want to stay. I love hubby, I just don't love him to distraction. He is my family, but not my passion.
I'm fighting the urge to order a MacBook Pro just because I want it. I won't do it, but the thought needs to leave my head now.
Peace,
OC
I've been there, OC. You are not alone. I remember all too well being in a very similar situation.
ReplyDeleteLet me start by saying you're not a failure. You're not bad. And you're not stupid. It simply sounds like you're dealing with situations that baffle you. Welcome to the human race.
I have some concerns borne out by experience. Drinking when you don't want to drink. Forgetting your son's school events. Surrendering your parental authority to your daughter. And running out of sick time.
I could be wrong (and I'm not judging either way because I've been there), but I'm hearing the dynamics of alcoholism and codependency. It's something you have to determine for yourself, but it bears serious consideration and is worth mentioning to your therapist.
But don't despair. I know it feels like you're being sucked into the dark, cold depths of the ocean. So let me throw you a lifeline.
Most of us think that we can only be happy in certain situations. We tell ourselves that we can't be happy now because blah, blah, blah. In fact, we are very creative in our ability to come up with reasons why we can't be happy now.
But here's the truth. We don't need a reason to be happy. I learned this the hard way (after years of alcoholic binging, an abusive marriage and two suicide attempts). You can be happy even if your situation is out of control. It doesn't mean you don't work to improve the situation, but your happiness is no longer dependent on it.
You might try taking about five minutes every morning (and maybe several times throughout the day), and say to yourself, "I'm willing to see things differently." It's not magic. It's simply a gradual process of letting go of the conditions we put on our happiness.
The Serenity Prayer works well, too. We ask for serenity to accept what we cannot change. We ask for courage to change the things we can change. And we ask for wisdom to understand what is what, because most of us drive ourselves crazy by trying to change what we can't change while running away from what we can.
Feel free to contact me, OC. If you'd like, I can even give you my phone number. Send me an email dharmashanti at gmail dot com.
You're not a failure. You're not bad. You're not stupid. And you're not alone.
You are loved. And you are worth loving. You have a right to be happy regardless of your circumstances. And I'm here if you need a friend.
You are not a bad parent. We all have bad days. Our kids drive us nuts sometimes, and I'm always forgetting something. I go to bed too late, because I'm busy at night cleaning up after the five year old and the teen with the broken leg. I have to be up at 6 - I never make it. I'm always tired. Sometimes I wonder why the hell I didn't just leave well enough alone.
ReplyDeleteIf coming out, and ending your relationship was the magic fix, I'd say - just do it. But it's not that simple. My life has gotten a lot more complicated since my relationship ended, I have a lot of responsibilities, and I'm having trouble juggling it all. But I do know - somehow, in spite of everything that's come my way, that I've made the right choice. it feels right. Sure, there are days that I feel like crying, that I do cry - out of loneliness, and sheer exhaustion. but at the core of my being, I think to myself "this is who I am." it's not about whether I'm with someone, or who I'm with. It's about finally living life on my terms, my independence, my authenticity. I'm not there yet - I have a lot of work to do.
But the person who's most important in all of this is you. You are not meeting your kids' needs if you are putting yourself second for their sake. And I know - how I know - how hard it is to start over, but I've also seen your strength, and I know that you can do it. Your inner voice is telling you something (that's my guess). Only you can decide what's right for you.
Just wanted to send you some positive energy and a big hug. I'll be happy for you when you can find your passion and be content :) You deserve that.
ReplyDeleteAll I can say is that I understand in so many ways. And I am so, so, so sorry you have to go through this.
ReplyDeleteI don't think your meds are working, either, if that is how you feel. Mind you, I have never taken them but have enough friends who do and who give me feedback on side effects and the like to feel like I can tell...and I'm sad for you.
School stuff--I have to write the show and tell on the calendar. Each and every week, the letter of the week and that, on Friday, it is show and tell. If I don't, I will forget. I just will. I forgot to take my trash out on trash day this week. That is the way I am. If it's not written in front of me, I won't remember. It takes a little effort to get it there, but if you can take care of a few months, then you can repeat it again later.
Later.
Later.
I can only make stupid suggestions. Everyone has what will work for them, and you'll have to find that. I'm just so sorry things are so bad for you right now. My heart aches for you.
Be well, OC.
You have your online community which is certainly a real lifeline at times. And I do hope you are seeing someone locally. I agree with Dharma Kelleher -- took me a long time to get there. Happiness is something you are - regardless - it is not a set of circumstances that happen to you.
ReplyDeleteOne sees it all the time the person gets "the thing" and is still not happy.
Choose happy.
Now I don't have children so I don't understand but you have to take care of yourself first. Yourself first so you can then do for them.
And dust in the house -- oh well everyone will survive a bit of a mess.
Take five minutes to relax, smile think of what you are grateful for.
love-
janet
I've been some of the places you describe and though not quite the depths at quiite the stage of my life, I hear you.
ReplyDeleteI'm too advance positive energy and thoughts your way and if I could send a big old space heater...thar ya go. :)
Peace to and with you.
Hey OC. You sound like me as a SINGLE parent when the kids were young. It's just too much - seriously too much for anyone to do alone. Handing you a drink is not helping you if you ask me, but you didn't, so nevermind. Just take care, k?
ReplyDeleteHi!
ReplyDeleteThat's a lot to keep inside. You're not alone, you've got friends who support you and care about you.
Dharma Kelleher is spot on. Really, really good!
Best wishes,
Skeeter
I can't find words to help but I do care. I hope your finding a little peace somehow.
ReplyDeleteYuck - I can relate. You sound like a normal mommy to me...Just today I loaded up 3 kids to drop off in various places and a dog to go to the vet and forgot many things like the book gift Z was to take in, and crap, the ice cream for the party and on and on. We all have times where it's all out of whack but you'll get through it. We all do. If you need someone additional to talk to hit me up via e-mail (lstudevant@yahoo.com). And the meds will help. If you need them adjusted, get it done. If you haven't been on them long enough just hold on. Been there done that and it does get better (((HUGS))
ReplyDeleteWow OC. So much going on. I think you've gotten some great advice from all the folks here. Please don't beat yourself up for forgetting things now and again. Hell, I don't even have kids and I can't seem to get organized at all. You are not a bad parent!
ReplyDeleteI so hope you can get some time for yourself soon. You need to take care of yourself in order to be there for the kids. You know those safety lectures the flight attendants give - where they tell you to put on your oxygen mask first and then help those around you - well, there's a reason for that. You can't be there for others if your not taking care of yourself.
I wish I could give you some better advice on how to quiet things down a bit. Know that I am thinking of you and hoping things start to get better soon.
Hey OC - CJ is right about the truths folks have spoken here. Take comfort, know you're not alone. Show and tell and minus 18 degrees would bring anyone to despair. I hope as well you're talking to someone locally...be well.
ReplyDelete