The Eye of The Needle

It's so loud tonight, and my windows are trembling. It matches my soul. Whipping and tumbling things around into a giant catastrophic mess.

This week, it has been bad, ugly with maybe just a little good thrown in.

Meltdowns are bound to happen I guess, but two nights in a row? I had the worst meltdowns I've ever had. Alone in the shower, crying my heart out, aching. Hurting so bad, that it took my breath away. How is this possible? I'm a raw nerve, a body with no skin, the air touching me is an agony. It has to show in my eyes, how can it not?

At the same time, I am better now. I really am, for now. I didn't realize how much I needed therapy until I started therapy. Every time I break down, I feel a little more certain that I am moving in the right direction. I feel a little closer, a little more "out". I've told more than a few people, my real friends, and my therapist.
This is teh week that I have started to feel just a bit more comfortable in my own skin.

Maybe pain was me shedding a layer of skin like a snake?

I'm feeling more ready to deal with hubby soon.

He has really stepped up this week. He has dealt with the kids, let me have my space, and has generally been good to me, and my emotional weekness.

My therapist, I'm going to call her "T" just because it sounds better, but "T" said she supspected he was starting to realize I was checked out. That he is trying to stop it. I feel bad, since he is acting much more like way he has through most of our time together.

I can't put this off for ever, but I can feel just a bit of my anger towards him fading. I feel like a schmuck every time he kisses me goodnight. I'm afraid of the anger he is going to have for me.

At the same time, I'm still checked out. When I think of being queer, I become much more calm. I'm not fighting so hard. Even just self identification has it's merits I suppose.

I look at myself in the mirror, and realize I've stopped trying to look so girly. I look more like who I really am. I think I am starting to look on the outside, more like I feel on the inside.

This really has been a rough month. I never imagined the pain would get just this bad. I have been so unhappy for so long, but this month, it has been different. I can't put my finger on it, but I have felt more intense. More pain all the time. I will be sitting somewhere and all the sudden I can't catch my breath and I'm about to burst into tears.

I want this to be over, I want to feel normal again. I don't want to hurt hurt hurt. I'm trying and I'm reaching and I'm walking, putting one step in front of the other, but I can't see where I'm going. I'm walking blind, and trying to have faith that I'm going the right way.

I have about 10 posts started, that I have been unable to finish.

The only thing that gives me any comfort are my kids, and music. I hang on to ARay and Melissa Etheridge for dear life. I can feel the strength coming out of them, right into my soul.

I need it right now. The church of lesbian musicians.

I've downloaded off of YouTube a bunch of movies that people have taken of the places that are home to me, the beaches I know, the places I love, so I can watch them, and remember.

I don't want to move home, but I do need to go back and have some time there. The only reason I don't want to move home, is how hard my life was financially there. It was a struggle.

I struggle here, but in different ways. I think I can find my peace somehow here.

I find I'm angry at most people in my daily life. At work, I really am having a hard time. I'm not digging anyone there right now. I sit in my cube and do my work, but I feel like a left shoe in a room full of right shoes.

I need some CA energy. I think I may try to do an alone trip this summer to the beach. Just me, just to catch my breath.

It's hard to believe I've been doing this blog thing for so long now. I have gotten spoiled pouring my soul out here.



Peace,

OC