Songs for The Long Haul

When I think of the soundtrack that has run through my life, it's long and varied. But then there are the ones that have carried me through the hard times...old friends. Friends I've depended on for most of my life.

I'm struggling. I'm listening to this version of "Sleep While I Drive", with of all people singing it with Melissa, Amy Grant...who I've never really cared for, but this is special.

Maybe it's because this song, this song, takes me back through the years. It's been such a constant, reoccurring theme in my life. I've listened to it thousands of times, over and over and over. I've listened to every version and duet I have been able to find. They are all wonderful. It's the lyrics that get to me so. It's that sad, we are at this place were we are going to break up, and taking one last trip. One comfortable last trip, because we know each other so well.

It's poignant for me in a way now that I can't even begin to describe.

I'm struggling more than I ever thought I would struggle over this, and in ways I never thought I would be struggling. I feel like I've landed in a pool of grief and death. I look at hubby, and so much I realize I want to be the happy family. I've questioned everything possible in the last few weeks. I can't write, I make no sense. I'm hanging on to a pendulum swinging so hard from one side to the other. Both sides feel right, but only one side feels wrong. I can do this for a little longer, but I'm so sad. I know the intimacy is gone and I have to break this to him.

He's hopeful and I'm avoiding. We have been playing Wii together, and it feels like in a weird way, this is what we should be doing. It's an escapist vice, but it's one that the whole family can play, and we haven't done anything like this in dare I say years.

My therapist asked me the other day, "even if you could work out your marriage, do you want to have a sex life with him again?" My answer was a firm "NO". Then she asked me the loaded question, "Can you go for the rest of your life without sex and can he?" No and No....or at least No, and I don't think so.

So, that leaves me back where I started. I have to leave. I've been pretending for a few weeks now that maybe this will work out. I will probably keep pretending for awhile longer, either that, or I'm going to just blurt it out. The trouble is, there is a huge part of me that doesn't want to leave, but the part of me that wants to leave is even bigger.

I love my family, and I love my kids. This is all I have. I don't know if I have it in me to start over again. This time with two small children. I am going to have to eventually just do it. Just leave, Just break up. Just tell him I'm gay, and no offense to him, but I need to leave. It's not fair to him, for my skin to crawl when he kisses me goodnight. But I can't tell him that either.

I'm tired of being tormented by this. But leaving ain't that easy. I have put down some pretty strong ultimatums...and I'm not sure he is taking me seriously. In that case, it will make things easier. But what if he follows through? I really can't let it get that far, but I have to say, it's been a nice few weeks of just hanging out together as a family, playing games and taking naps on the weekends. I think I just needed some time off from all the torment I've been going through. I need to regroup, rethink, and re-feel.

My little son will be 6 next week. I can't see how this is possible. But the older he gets, the more I find myself actually liking the person he is becoming. He's a great kid, maybe a tad whiny, but over all, a wonderful little boy. Six years ago tonight, I was hospitalized until he would be born 10 days later. Time fly's so fast. He has grown so fast, and really, what ever I had to do to get this wonderful little child in my life has been worth it. He and his little sister are my greatest joy, and my deepest love. There is no love like the love you feel for your child. This is a week to celebrate how far we've come, and even how far I've come.

I was talking to a friend on the phone today, and I told her, that I'm getting less and less afraid of someone finding Bearsmountain by happenstance. The fear of being gay is leaving fast. The fear I really carry now, is the fear of breaking apart my family, and losing the only real support person I have in my life. Of breaking him. Of hurting my kids. If it was just me, I'd be out of here, and living TLL.

Oh well, it is what it is. I will get through this, it may take me another two years, who knows?

And just because I'm feeling the Ruthie love tonight...

Here you go....

Woke Up this Morning..