Me....
The me I've defined myself to be in my head this week, ran away with her tail between her legs, yelping and saying, "no...not me, I didn't really say those things last week!"
But I did. I've been feeling my courage fade, along with the last of the dreams.
I realized just how much I hate where I'm at. I've been pretending all week to be a happy family. Hanging out at home. Chit Chatting with Hubby....all to no avail. I feel the same.
Tonight, we were again chit chatting, and I use this term loosely, because there was no "deep" talk involved. I looked at him and said, "you know, we still need to finish our conversation." He looked at me and said, "What conversation?" I said, "the one we didn't finish last week because you needed to go to bed.
He sort of gulped, and said, "oh". That was it. I feel like I'm going to have to beat the dead horse to a pulp. He's been ignoring it, and it took so much out of me last week, I realized today, I needed to regroup. To find where my head is. I'm so sad. I still don't know if I have the courage to actually break away from this.
I want to be true to myself, but the thought of not being a family, even a dysfunctional one, just about feels intolerable as well.
I don't know how to get there. I'm going to talk to "T" about it tomorrow. Hopefully she can give me some insight on how I got to where I did this week.
I really just want to win the lottery (a funny proposition since I haven't bought a ticket in years) and run away with my kids to some lovely beach house with white walls, lots of brightly colored furniture, flowers and artwork. Music playing all around, surf in the back ground and lovely smells coming from the kitchen where I'll be cooking away to my hearts content with a nice glass of wine, some good music and a smile on my face. Why can't it be that easy?
I'm so so tired of this. I'm never going to get there. It's been nearly 2 years of struggling with this now, and here I still sit. I know I'm much more forward than I was 2 years ago, but I'm sitting on the same bed, the same down comforter, same room, in the same night gown.
I haven't wanted to blog, because I feel like I'm letting everyone down by mentally slipping back into the abyss of "family". I've felt unable to control it this week. I haven't even been listening to music much, but watching stupid Lifetime movies on my iPod.
OK...so tomorrows a new day, I see "T". I can still take one more step forward.
The very cool news for the week, I'm getting much better at guitar hero!
Peace,
OC
I'm in the same boat you are in except that I spent the last 4 years trying to make threesome work. Now I'm stuck loving both of them but I can't have them both and only one of them makes me dizzy with desire and it isn't the father of my children. Don't be too hard on yourself (I'm better at giving that advice than taking it). It will happen when it happens in your time. Sigh. I just wish I had let myself be myself all those years ago.
ReplyDeleteyou may still be in the family abyss as you say, BUT you are not the same person you were 2 years ago. changing your life is a process, and it takes what it takes. for whatever reasons, you are exactly where you are supposed to be right now.... and you will KNOW when to proceed again. hang in there! just because it seems like you are not progressing, due to physicalities... it doesnt mean things are not changing. YOU are constantly changing in your heart and soul.... and while that happens, it's OK hon to enjoy what you have. its OK to make more good memories with the family. its also OK to take a break from working on your life... we all need to step back sometimes and let what we HAVE learned, process..... and let things rest for awhile. you will NEVER be the same person you were 2years ago.
ReplyDeleteAND NO you arent letting anyone down who reads your posts. you are what you are. who would we be to expect anything different...hon.
big hugs and blessings your way.
C
I'll go in with you on a bunch of tickets, if you promise to split the prize with me! :)
ReplyDeleteNot meaning to make light at all--you know that. I continue to pull for you. He's got a life made, and could care less about upsetting his comfort zone. I think that they (mine included) can live forever in this state so long as their basic needs are met.
Be well, OC.
Don't be down on yourself for what you're perceiving to be a backslide.
ReplyDeleteI think this is to be expected... a little retreat into something that feels normal, "like it always was," complete with chit-chat and seemingly benign family time. It's definitely not the first time I've heard that happen in a marriage that ultimately dissolves. It certainly happened in mine (Mr. S. is not my first husband).
You've made clear that the larger issue(s) have not gone away, that they still need to be dealt with.
It will come...
Oh, honey, my heart goes out to you. I don't want to sound morbid, but it took me FOUR years before I was "ready" to take that step. I stayed for a lot of reasons, daughter trouble, finances, fear, you name it. I KNEW it wasn't good, but I also knew I had to bide my time. Don't give up on you. Keep thinking your thoughts and dreaming your dreams. Turn TOWARD what you want, even if it's only in daydreams. Work things out in your head. Line yourself up with it. Then, when the time presents itself, you will KNOW it, and everything will happen so fast it will make your head spin. I promise, 'cause that's what happened with me!
ReplyDeleteBe gentle with yourself!
GG
you will get there one day. it may not feel like it right now, but the process is slow. you will make it.
ReplyDeleteI was terrified...and didn't think I could do it on my own. Then, one day, I popped up and said, "If I don't...well, there's no option." It is a process.
ReplyDeleteMama Llama is right. Some of us men will do anything to avoid 'that conversation'. Unless it's causing real pain it's easier to go along and pretend all is ok.
ReplyDeleteTry not to be so hard on yourself. Remember: slow and steady wins the race. Your in my thoughts.