It's been a hard night tonight, and for that matter, last night as well. My own personal demons are coming to the surface. I've been trying to ignore them.
Hubby kissed me goodnight last night, as he has continued to do. Why I don't know, since I know I have a grimace on my face and pull away, but I digress. Last night, he looked at me when he wanted to kiss me, and said, "if you want them". Duh.....what the fuck do you think??? I never kiss you, I never do more than peck you and get away as fast as I can. I sort of looked at him and shook my head. He stomped downstairs. I felt guilty, and I'm sure he was feeling badly.
I feel like I've told him, over and over that this isn't working. But here is the thing. I haven't told him point blank that "I want out, I want a divorce." I keep hoping he will get the hint. We've actually been having more fun playing Wii and hanging out with the kids. It makes it so hard for me. The dichotomy is killing me. It hit me like a ton of bricks today I have to do something. I know I've said that before, but I'm saying it again, and I will keep saying it until I have the courage to do it.
"T" thinks I need to do it soon, as the kids heard that fight two weeks ago. I want to do it soon. I also want to make plans for the summer like camping, quad riding, and having fun with the kids. I know that won't happen if I tell him about the big "D" right now. Maybe it will, but I doubt it. I hate how much he is catering to me right now. Anything I want, he does. Except the one thing that might just make a huge difference.....getting a good job. I might be able to live with this whole mess if I thought we weren't going to sink into a hell hole.
Then there is me, OC, that is fighting to get out, to be free. To be gay and free and fall in love. That part has to wait until I take care of the first part.
I watched the end 3 times tonight of Shawshank Redemption. The part where Red reads Andy's letter, that says' "remember Red, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things". I'm sure you all know the scene I'm speaking of. Red then buys himself a bus ticket to Mexico and speaks of hope and good friends...as he walks up to find Andy working on his boat by the sea, and the truth has been spoken.
People come and go in our lives. Lots of them do. Some super people come into your life like a bright candle. There for a bit, to do what they need to do for you, and you for them, then they are on their way. You both know it's special. You both know there was something major gained from it. Then there are the people that don't leave. I can really only think of two, and really only one who really knows me. There are newer ones for sure, but the older ones are the ones I'm talking about. The ones that go to hell with you and come back out holding your hand. The ones that hurt you the most, and once forgiveness takes place, you know you have made it to a new level of peace and love. I have several newer friends that are these types of people, but only one that knows me from so far back that I can't really remember what it was like without this person in my life. I know the time without her, was the most painful void I've ever felt. I still haven't seen her, but it doesn't matter, she is there. I am there. We have been through so much stuff, so much soul stuff, so much personal stuff....
The reason I'm thinking of this tonight, is watching Red find Andy on that beach. The knowing that the circle is complete in such a basic way gives me hope that I will find my way through this.
I wrote hubby a new letter today. The only thing missing is the last line, "I want out, I want a divorce". I know it's not going to get easier waiting. We are all being tortured by this now. Me, him, and he kids. It needs to end so we can all move forward. I don't know how to say those words to him. I don't know where I go to find the courage. I need to put clarity in this mess. I don't know how to break up a family while being straightforward about it. I know the kind thing to do is t just get it over with. It's kinder for me, and for him too I suppose. It's kinder for the kids.
Keep me in your thoughts dear readers, and pray that I find the courage to do this. I'm ready I think, if I can just do it.
Peace,
OC
Courage to you, OC.
ReplyDeleteOh, OC. I hope you find the strength to do what needs to be done...sooner rather than later. You've come so far and you deserve to go all the way with this. Hugs to you, friend.
ReplyDeleteSending thoughts of courage and strength to you as you go through this difficult journey.
ReplyDeletehi oc.
ReplyDeletei put alot of my daily guidance into a book i found 17 years ago when i was in therapy. it helped save my life. all i can think about after reading your post, is this one book. it's called "the language of letting go" by melody beattie. i bet your therapist has heard of it. anyway, its going to be long on here but i want to share it with you. its my way of trying to be supportive.
"sometimes, as part of taking care of ourselves, it becomes time to end certain relationships. sometimes, it becomes time to change the parameters of a particular relationship. this is true in love, in friendships, with family, and on the job. endings and changes to relationships are not easy. but often they are necessary. sometimes we linger in relationships that are dead, out of fear of being alone or to postpone the inevitable grieving process that accompanies endings. sometimes, we need to linger for a while, to prepare ourselves, to get strong and ready enough to handle the change. if that is what we are doing, we can be gentle with ourselves. it is better to wait until the moment when it feels solid, clear, and consistant to act. we will know. WE WILL KNOW. we can trust ourselves. knowing that a relationship is changing or is about to end is a difficult place to be in, especially when it is not yet time to act but we know the time is drawing near. it can be awkward and uncomfortable, as the lesson draws to a close. we may become impatient to put closure on it, but not yet feel empowered to do that. that's ok. the time is not yet right. something important is still happening. when the time is right, we can trust that it will happen. we will recieve the power and the ability to do what we need to do. ending relationships or changing the boundaries of a particular relationship is not easy. it requires courage and faith. it requires a willingness on our part to take care of ourselves and, sometimes, to stand alone for awhile. let go of fear. understandstand that change is an important part of recovery. love yourself enough to do what you need to do to take care of yourself, and find enough confidence to believe that you will love again. we are never starting over. in recovery, we are moving forward in a perfectly planned progression of lessons. we will find ourselves with certain people- in love, family, friendships, and work- when we need to be with them. when the lesson has been mastered, we will move on. we will find ourselves in a new place, learning new lessons, with new people. no, the lessons are not all painful. we will arrive at that place where we can learn, not from pain, but from joy and love. our needs WILL get met."
"the groundwork has been laid. all you have gone through is for a purpose. there was a reason, a good reason, for the waiting, the struggle, the pain, and finally the release. you have been prepared... if the finished product is to be what is desired, the work must be done thoroughly from the bottom up. as the work progresses, it often appears to be an upheaval. [it will be worse before it gets better.] this long, hard time in your life has been for laying of groundwork. it was not without purpose, although at times the purpose may not have been evident or apparent. you have had the patience to endure the hard parts. you have trusted, surrendered, and allowed god to heal and prepare you. now, you shall see all the good that has been planned. you shall see the purpose. it will all come together and make sence. wait, and expect good things. tell yourself the best is coming, the very best life and love have to offer, the best god has to send. wait, and expect good things."
"what if he doesnt handle it very well, you may ask... then, YOU are going to have to handle it well. the "what if's" can make us crazy. they put control over our life in someone elses hands. we are thinking that people have to react in a particular way for us to continue on our course.... the reactions, feelings, likes or dislikes of others dont have to control our behaviors, feelings, and direction. we dont need to control how others react to our choices. we can trust ourselves, with help from god, to handle any outcome."
"we must each discover and stand in our own light."
"we detach with the understanding that life is unfolding exactly as it needs to, for others and ourselves. the way life unfolds is good, even if when it hurts."
whew, that was long, i'm sorry but this is my way of sending you prayers. i cant sit here seeing the pain you are in, and not say something. i'm just not that kind of sistah.... ;)
honey, if you can find this book, it can be yet another tool to help you with your life changes.
and dont forget, that god has his hand on your husband too. maybe everything is unfolding as it is, for him to learn what he needs to do in his life, to be happy. you said he has problems.... i think god is trying to work those out for him, to show him the way.... if you focus and take care of YOU and the kids, it will allow god to show your husband to learn what he needs to learn, as well. maybe it will take you leaving, for him to do so.
i hope this helps.
you WILL be ok, hon... TRUST.
with love and prayers,
chris
OC, my thoughts are with you...I was where you are now a little over a year ago. Keep hope, keep resolve, keep going--it WILL get better.
ReplyDeleteOf course, and as always...
ReplyDeleteBe well, OC.
Courage, sister. You can do this!
ReplyDeleteI have stood in your shoes not long ago and I feel your pain. If you EVER want to talk, know that I am wide open to it. I gave you some link-love in my post today. xoxo
ReplyDelete