I feel sick tonight.
I started thinking of all the good times I've had with hubby. I really don't know how to feel.
I saw the attorney today and hired her. I like her.
I am filing for legal separation, so that I can keep hubby on the insurance.
He started talking about custody of the kids tonight. We both want joint custody. That being said, I want it one way, and he wants it the other way. He wants to keep them for a week, then switch with me and I'll keep them for a week and so on. I on the other hand, want to have them all week, let him pick them up from school and he can have the afternoons with them, and then they go home with me to sleep. I each of us having them every other weekend.
This is what is making me feel sick. I need my babies. I am not sure I can make it without my babies everyday. I've never been apart from Little Miss at all, and rarely from small son. I know they would be fine with daddy, but I can't bare to be away from them. Then I think of hubby, I'm sure he is feeling the same exact way as me.
God this is fucking brutal. As much as an ass as he has been, I know he loves his kids, and he is for the most part a very good dad. The kids adore him. I think hubby and I need to go somewhere and talk this weekend, and work this out between us. I was even thinking so far as get houses very close so we could see the kids every day.
Then...here is the kicker. I started thinking about it a bit, and I thought, wow...a week to myself. What on earth would that be like and would I like it? I know I would for a few weeks. I suspect, when he really sees that the kids don't sleep through the night, they are pains in the butts in the morning, and that he would have no break at all, he might realign to my plan. But I may be wrong as well.
The attorney is writing the documents this week, and I told her to be very fair about the distribution of property. I really don't want a lot, and most of the big furniture is stuff from his family and I feel like it is his and he should have it. I haven't even told hubby that I saw an attorney today, but he did know I was looking for one.
I just want to cry tonight. I want to yell at him and ask him why he let everything fuck up??? I wasn't prepared for this tonight. I was in a very good mood this afternoon, but the instant we started talking custody, my hackles went up and my emotions went into the toilet. I hope I am doing the right thing for my kids. Maybe I should just bag this all....I don't want to be with him, don't get me wrong, but I don't know how to let go of my kids even just a little.
Peace,
OC
OC, I cant offer any words of wisdom as I don't have children and can only imagine what this is doing to you but I can offer a big cyber hug, so here it is (((((OC))))). Take care and be strong for you and your children. Hx
ReplyDelete*Hugs*
ReplyDeleteKeep writing ... don't keep anything bottled up inside :)
Hang in there, girl.
ReplyDeleteOC, there are many couples who divorce then choose to live nearby for the sake of the kiddos. i think you do need to think of what is best for them, but it is also ok to time it so each of you has some much needed time alone too.
ReplyDeleteit'll all work out, it will.
C
I agree with Dawg, keep writing, it helps. :-)
ReplyDeleteAs far as the kids go, I understand the feeling of not being without them too long. I have gone a weekend without my son and that drives me nuts. Couldn't imagine all week. But it all comes with change and think you two taking some time and realy talk about it might help. As far as you unsure this was a good idea, just remember, when you aren't happy, that doesn't help your kids in any way. You are going through the blizzard right now, there is an end to the storm. Just will take patience and work to get to it and it will be better off for the kids too because you will be happy.
Hugs to you. I can only imagine how difficult this must be. It will work out in the end, somehow, and you'll come out feeling so much better. The ends justify the means here.
ReplyDeleteFeeling overwhelmed by all of this is probably unavoidable, especially giving the fact that you are a kind, considerate person. Stand back, take a deep breath, and clear your head for a second. The custody issue can and will be resolved even if you need to go back and speak with your attorney about getting more aggressive in getting what you deserve. I remember you saying once that you are a Cancer and if you are anything like the Cancer that I am, change is not an easy concept. Trust in yourself OC, be vocal about what you want, and know that you have a whole gang of women out here in blog land that are behind you every step of the way. There is light at the end of the tunnel, and believe me, it is not a train.
ReplyDeleteI just remember going thru some of this with my first husband and my daughter was 4. It nearly killed me but I let her live with him (out of state) when we first split because I KNEW he would not be able to deal with it for more than a month or 2.
ReplyDeleteSure enough, from November to March, with me visiting once a month, he was like, "I can't handle this." And she came home, only to visit in summers before we moved to CO and he disappeared all together.
Your situation is very different, but I do think you're right...he will see how HARD it is to deal with the kids and their issues, and probably will agree to your proposed plan sooner than later.
Yield in a few ways and you can win big time.
I'm thinking of you!
GG
This is so hard. Hang in there OC.
ReplyDeleteMy home is a few minutes drive away from the ex. Instead of a conventional time split, we alternate days - one or two nights here, one or two nights with dad. We want her to know that she has two homes and two parents that love her. The most I have gone without seeing her is two nights. Most often, because of her school schedule, she sees both of us every day, even if only for a few minutes.
ReplyDeleteMy relationship with my ex is one of friendship. We agreed that Emily's needs came first, and that we could work together for her sake. We cook for each other sometimes. He gratefully allows me to putter in the gardens because I love to dig around and he's rather not. He hung my pictures in the new place and fixes my computer.We'll sell the house, or he'll buy me out when it makes sense.
Hugs. It will get better.
You know, I've been reading through more of your story - and thanks for sharing your emotions so honestly. There really is a lot of back and forth in this process. Happens to me all the time, and I'm glad to know I'm not the only one. I want to do what is right for me, but how could I ignore what's right for my kids or the man I have lived with for over fifteen years? I'm just not that cold.
ReplyDeleteI'll continue reading, and look forward to indulging in your 20/20 hind sight.
CCT