Sunday Night Live

Sunday night, and here I sit. I signed my lease yesterday. What a relief that was.

But now I feel like time is dragging by. When I want it to go fast, it goes so slow, and when I want it to slow down, it speeds up.

The thought of having my own house with my kids is enough to make me giddy. I'm feeling giddy. Except for when I want to box Hubby upside the head. I'm not going to go into the details of this weekend, but suffice it to say, I got a ton of "poor me" attitude, and a few snarky comments about my computer. He also told me that he thinks "I'm a very unfair person", and that the divorce papers looked OK, but it looked like he was (and I quote) "going to get stuck paying child support".

God Damned him anyway, those are his kids. He should feel obligated to pay for them. I'm asking for nothing really. My fair (less than) half of our life. I have no idea what the child support will be, but no matter, he will feel it's unfair because as he said this weekend, "I make more than double what he does". Oh fucking well. I make a modest salary by any means. Not my fault he makes less working where he does than if he worked at McDonald's...but in his head, it is absolutely my fault.

I have increasing moments of light headedness from knowing I'm almost out of here. It's been just about two years since I started this blog. Two years of whining and working my way through this. I remember when some of my blogger friends exploded and became free, how jealous I was. How much I wished it was me, and how I felt I would never ever get there in a million years. It's so scary to dump your life and start over. The thing is, once you make that decision, it's not so scary anymore. Once you take your life, into your own hands, and think, fuck sake, I can do this....you can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm three steps from being able to walk out into the sunlight, finally. I can't wait.

I sometimes think I'm going to miss my castle up on the hill with the beautiful yard, roaming room and so on. Then I think of the misery that has been conceived in this house for me. The utter feeling of doom. Feeling like I was trapped in a place I'd never be free from, and I know, that though I may have moments of missing something about "here" I won't really miss much. I won't miss the walls I hated, I won't miss the carpet I hated. I won't miss the master bath with a stall shower. I won't miss being miserable.

I won't miss having freedom, even if it is wrapped up in a bow called being a single mom, which I know is what I'm going to be. I sometimes think he will help, but then I think, if he was willing to lose his family and his house for his addictions, he won't fight me very hard for the kids, or time with them. All I can say is if he is going to break their hearts, just get it done so we can move on. I can take care of them, they need daddy, but they need a daddy that gives a shit.

I got all my CD's condensed down into those CD books this weekend. I'm tired of the boxes, especially since I never play them anymore, but don't want to get rid of them. I think I burnt up my new shredder, so I'm going to have to do it the old fashioned way...burn it all. I think I'll just take it all out to the fire pit tomorrow night and set it on fire. A fitting end to the clutter that has been taking over my life.

It's time to clutter up my space with new "toys", at least until I find someone to give me a hand!