Bumble Bumble....Toil and Trouble....

I'm so sleepy tonight, I feel like someone knocked me down and took every last drop of energy out of me and ran away with it.

I think this week has finally taken it's toll on me and knocked me out, between the stress and not sleeping well, here I sit. I fell asleep on my bed earlier, kitten wrapped around my feet, and Macbook open by my head...just konck...out. I finally woke up and realize how cold I was, and how uncomfortable and got up, shut the windows and got my jammies on. So now I'm sitting here, counting out days until I move.

I'm signing the lease tomorrow. I will feel so much better when I have it signed. I keep thinking about all those empty cupboards, closets and shelves in the new place that I won't have to share with Hubby and his junk he never uses. I can finally not have a closet packed to the brim. I can have room in my kitchen shelves.

I came home tonight and he was calling utilities and talking about this place that he hasn't gotten yet. Why??? I didn't say a word, but my head was screaming...you don't have it YET....you need to work on getting out of this house so we can sell it. I think that is my worry, he will justify, put off, and not look until he manages to not get out of here. I found plenty of rentals when I looked tonight, but I also didn't tell him that. I am making myself stop. I have to stop. I'm not doing much cleaning around here either. What is the point? I'll clean it good when I get out of here.

I talked to my cousin today. She is going through the exact same thing as me right now, except worse. She has left her husband, she has two little kids, except hers are really little, 2 and 3 months. She is in a shelter trying to find someplace to live. So, since Hubby made such a strong...."I'm taking the kids for the 4th at his friends house" deal, I told her I'd drive to see her in Kalispell on the 4th. At first I was planning on coming home on the 4th, but since it's through a dark deer filled road at night, I thought, what the heck am I rushing home to anyway? I can just stay up there for the night and come home on Sunday. So tonight I told Hubby that I was going to do that...and he started sputtering.....it was almost funny, when I said, "since you are taking the kids to Bert and Ernie's for the 4th, I'm going to leave early on Saturday AM and go up and see Cuz in Kalispell and I'll be home sometime on Sunday".

I swear I giggled inside, because I realized right then, he was doing what he was doing to punish me, and I turned it around on him just a bit. The other thing is, my gut is telling me when we actually split, that I won't be having long weekends to myself much, because he'll be not wanting the kids all weekend. So I'm taking this one. We'll see how he does. I'm OK with it because he's going to be at Bert and Ernie's and I know the kids will be fine and they will have a blast.

I sound mean I know, but I almost have to think this way right now to keep myself strong and on course. I could easily start feeling sorry for him and back out. That is one reason I will be so glad to get that lease signed tomorrow. It's proof in my hand that there is no going back.

Peace,

OC