Summer Loving

Dear Sun, please come warm up my old cold bones.

She is here, I can feel it. She is summer! Now I know, we are still in the middle of winter, and I live in Montana, so that means we are really still in the middle of winter, but I felt her today. Elusive, taunting, making me want more............summer.

You know that urge, to open the windows? I could see dead grass in patches through the snow in my yard. My deck was clear and sunny today, it got up into the 50’s I think.

I opened every window in my house. I cooked dinner with the windows open and took a nap with my kids with the windows open, basking in her freshness.

After dinner, what really did me in, was the urge for a beer. When that comes over me, I know summer is just around the proverbial corner.

Summer, she is hiding from me, I know, but she’s almost here. I want to sit out on my deck, looking out over the valley with some wonderfully cold dark micro brew beer, and just hang out. I want to build a fire in my fire pit and roast marshmallows @ night. I want to have a freaking party and make lots of noise and turn the music up and celebrate that we made it through this cold cold winter.

I want to take my 4-wheeler up in the mountains and tear it up for awhile...god help me I’ve got closet fever and this summer thing, she is teasing me like a recluse lover.

I want sun, no I NEED some sun...some warmth. I’m tired of the snow. I don’t want to slide down my mountain in 4-wheel drive anymore this year, I want to cruise down, with my sun roof open and my sunglasses on and a huge big swig diet coke in the cup holder.

I’m not used to these cold winters with nothing to do. I have lived in the city for so long, lived by the beach for so long, that this is all new to me.

I’m feeling like I want to make love till the sun comes up, with an ice cold beer. Summer, my love, come take me away in your warm loving arms.

Peace,

OC

Mountain Moon

I'm sitting here thinking that I need to do something to start finding "me" again. After 4 years of babies, diapers, hospitals, lost parents, and lost friendships, I feel like I'm drowning in the normalness of my own life. As I sit and look out my bedroom window at the endless Montana sky, I wonder how on earth I got here? How did my life turn out this normal? How did I create this?

I'm from the city, I'm a beach baby. I never thought I would move away from my beloved ocean, it's funny what kids do to your thinking isn't it? What used to thrill me, made me want to bolt when my babies were born. I needed to get the hell out of dodge. I needed to create something I've never had before, but in the process, I feel like I've lost the most essential part of me. I can't even take a crap anymore with out kids banging on the door..."mommy....mommmy....what are you doing in THEREEEEEE!!!!"

Forgive me as my mind wanders, it's just that I used to be a poet. I used to sit in coffee houses in the big city and write poetry on a borrowed laptop. I used to walk the beach. I used to take long drives and sleep in when I wanted. I thought my cat was my baby. It's amazing how your life can change in 5 years.

So now I work in a stable job. I drive a huge SUV because I actually need the damned thing....I'm thinking about buying large capacity washers....but I still love my coffee. I still dream of having my own pottery studio, or at least, a place where I can do pottery again.

I think the reason I can't sleep is the summer solstice. I feel my creative juices starting to flow, just a little bit, just enough to make me want more, just enough to make me remember who I used to be.

It's not that I don't love my life now, I do. I've always wanted this life, I just didn't know kids were going to suck the life out of me. I didn't know what you had to give up with kids. I had no idea of the exhaustion that goes along with being a parent. This is truly one of the things you HAVE to experience to understand. As much as you love your kids, you give up part of your soul. You are never carefree again. A trip to walmart alone feels like a vacation. You really do wear your heart on the outside of your body, and you are vulnerable in a way you never were before.

I'm getting old, and my life is running by me too fast.