Mountain Moon

I'm sitting here thinking that I need to do something to start finding "me" again. After 4 years of babies, diapers, hospitals, lost parents, and lost friendships, I feel like I'm drowning in the normalness of my own life. As I sit and look out my bedroom window at the endless Montana sky, I wonder how on earth I got here? How did my life turn out this normal? How did I create this?

I'm from the city, I'm a beach baby. I never thought I would move away from my beloved ocean, it's funny what kids do to your thinking isn't it? What used to thrill me, made me want to bolt when my babies were born. I needed to get the hell out of dodge. I needed to create something I've never had before, but in the process, I feel like I've lost the most essential part of me. I can't even take a crap anymore with out kids banging on the door..."mommy....mommmy....what are you doing in THEREEEEEE!!!!"

Forgive me as my mind wanders, it's just that I used to be a poet. I used to sit in coffee houses in the big city and write poetry on a borrowed laptop. I used to walk the beach. I used to take long drives and sleep in when I wanted. I thought my cat was my baby. It's amazing how your life can change in 5 years.

So now I work in a stable job. I drive a huge SUV because I actually need the damned thing....I'm thinking about buying large capacity washers....but I still love my coffee. I still dream of having my own pottery studio, or at least, a place where I can do pottery again.

I think the reason I can't sleep is the summer solstice. I feel my creative juices starting to flow, just a little bit, just enough to make me want more, just enough to make me remember who I used to be.

It's not that I don't love my life now, I do. I've always wanted this life, I just didn't know kids were going to suck the life out of me. I didn't know what you had to give up with kids. I had no idea of the exhaustion that goes along with being a parent. This is truly one of the things you HAVE to experience to understand. As much as you love your kids, you give up part of your soul. You are never carefree again. A trip to walmart alone feels like a vacation. You really do wear your heart on the outside of your body, and you are vulnerable in a way you never were before.

I'm getting old, and my life is running by me too fast.