BFF's

BFF

Once again I'm taking the lead from Lori over at Hahn @ Home. I read her post today three or 4 times on BFF's. I started to leave a comment, and it quickly turned into a book and that is when I knew I needed to write my own post about this.


All of my adult life, I have had incredibly intense friendships with women. Not so much in my childhood. First there was "Rose", who I am still friends with, but not that close. We keep in touch, I've known her since I was 8 years old and we used to play "horses". She was one of those rare people that knew what she wanted to do, even back then and she did it. She became a Vet. She worked her way to Dr. Rose, while I was busily getting stoned and drunk living in Santa Cruz in the 80's. Unfortunately, she has become sick with Lupus and has been unable to continue her career. She does lead a nice life though, she breeds horses, and seems to be very happy with that. I've always been glad that even though we aren't BFF's, that she is there, and that we have continued contact. It really is nice to have one friend you have known since you were 8.

Moving on to Jr. High and High School, I became friends with Ming and Jane. The most unlikely of friends. Ming's parents owned the only Chinese restaurant in town. I spent many afternoons as a kid, hanging out in that place, helping to roll silverware in white napkins and eating my fill of Chinese food. Jane on the other hand, she was Mormon. I went to "Stake" dances with her, not really realizing at the time that not only would the boys not be interested in me because I was Catholic, but that everyone was pretty much searching out a mate. Jane did get married right after highschool, and is still married living in Utah somewhere. I did get one cryptic email from her years ago, but that was that. Ming, I haven't heard from since High School. It was weird having a three-way friendship. Some one was always on the "outs".

In High School, I met another good friend of mine. Sheila and I worked together as baggers at our local grocery store. We spent a lot of time getting drunk on cold duck, and hanging out with the older checkers (who were all of 21), but they bought us alcohol. She and I have had so many rough spots over the years, she is an alcoholic, she is a sex addict, she has never done anything in her life to make herself happy, only her husband. She has two boys who are almost grown now. She considers me her "best" friend. I love her like a dysfunctional family member, but I don't really like her very much. One day and I'm ready to bolt.

When I went to college, I met Amy. Amy and I worked as shift managers managing the local pizza place together. She is 5 years younger than me, but she has been one of the most important people in my life. She is a constant. We are going on 20 plus years of being friends, I don't know if I would say BFF...but darn close. She is so different from me in so many ways. She is a total redneck, but in the sense that she hunts, camps, lives a simple life, so on. She is the least judgemental person I've ever met in my life. If I don't talk to her for a year, when we do talk, it's like we talked yesterday. She was with me throughout my whole first marriage and break up. She and her husband will always be my good friends, and I'm actually considering asking her if she would consider being guardian's for my kids if something were to happen to me. She is just a really good, honest person who has complete integrity, and I know she would treat my kids like her own.

Then there is Lil....my real BFF.... whom I haven't seen since 2001. She hasn't met my kids. We have been friends since I was 18. It, for the most part, has been the most intense relationship of my life. We pushed each other in ways that only real BFF's can. She pushed me to look at social justice causes, green causes, I pushed her to take peoples feelings into considerations, and to not react so quickly. Unfortunately we had a major falling out in 2001, when she became a single mom, and when my father got sick.

We were both in the wrong head space to really be there for each other, and things fell apart. Really fell apart. We said ugly things to each other. We were so angry at each other. But finally, in the last 18 months or so, we are putting things back together. I emailed her once, and said, "it' not supposed to be like this, we are supposed to be old ladies rocking on the porch together". "We have to put this back together, we don't have another option", and we are. The thing that this friendship taught me by falling apart, is that even the most sacred, the most cherished relationships can fall apart if you don't take care of them.

The breakdown between Lil and me was infinitely more painful than my divorce from my ex-husband. I'm grateful every day that we are putting it back together, and I have confidence in the love we share, and the fact that our shared history is still there. You can't replace history. I can make new friends, but she is the only one that knows me, that knows what I went through, and vise versa. We experienced it together. Now we both are older moms, and we are able to bounce parenting off each other, we have fell back in line again, the planets lined up and let us work our way through the pain to the love that has always been there.

The last BFF I have made is my friend Maya. We became friends just about the time Lil and I were falling apart. We worked together, and at the same time things were falling apart for me and Lil, they were falling apart for her and her BFF Char. We just naturally had an easy going honesty about us. I've never lied to her, and I won't. She and I have sworn to always take care of our friendship, we both value it so much. We are complete opposites, in all ways, but we balance each other. She got me through a rough pregnancy, and I got her through an equally rough one. I talked her though the NICU with her baby...and we bonded then in a way one can only bond with a person who has walked the same road as you have.

I have made new friends up here in MT...but none that equal my "tribe" as Maria so aptly put it in her comments on Lori's post.

Some friendships come and go, and others are there for a lifetime.

So there you have it, my long post that started out as a comment in Lori's Blog.

Come Back

People come, and people go. We all know this. Some people are in your life for a certain reason. Some for a season. Some forever. Then there are the ones that get lost and come back.

I’m in a coming back period in my life these days.

I’ve been catching people that I’ve lost right and left.

One of the biggest, at least the one that had the biggest impact on my life, is my best friend. About 5 years ago, things fell apart. I mean really fell apart. This is a 20 plus year friendship I’m talking about. One those kinds of friendships that has for all practical purposes, turned into family.

We were both going through some very emotional stuff. She had a baby, and became a single mom. My dad was dying. Neither one of us were in the headspace to help the other one. This is just about the most traumatic thing that has ever happened to me, bar my dad dying. I am divorced, and when that happened, it wasn’t even close to the pain I felt when my best friend and I fell apart. I haven’t seen her since July of 2001. But we are slowly putting things back together. After we went through the pain of it, we have somehow been able to find our trust again.

I emailed her once, and said to her, “This isn’t supposed to be like this. We are supposed to grow old together. We are supposed to rock on the porch together when we are old ladies. We have to put this back together, because there is no other option”. I had a hole in my heart as big as the Grand Canyon over this. She and I finally were able to put things into perspective, and move on, and I’m grateful for this every day.

I’ve had several friends over the last few years as well that I’ve lost contact with. Some were more intense relationships than others, but still, they were people I didn’t want to lose from my life. They were people I met that I was sure I would remain friends with.

I’ve found them, through different venues, but I’ve managed to connect again, and that’s a great feeling.

It really is scary how fast and easy you can lose someone out of your life. You get busy, they get busy, one of you moves, phone numbers are changed, and bam….MIA.

I’ve been thinking on this all day at work. It has been one of those days that I’ve just had my headphones on, and have been working all day, but my mind has had plenty of time to process.

The last chink that I’ve rediscovered. There was a boy I grew up with. We were friends, all through school. We went to the same catholic high school. We did everything together, but keep in mind; we were always just friends, nothing more. My sister found him last week. He is moving out of the country, but all the same, I know where he is. I haven’t seen or heard from him in almost 20 years, and it feels wonderful to know he is doing ok. I always thought he was gay, even growing up. Come to find out, he is. He had been living in SF, same as me, and working just a few blocks from me. I remember one time, years ago, that I thought I saw him on the street, but this person got across Market Street before I could catch him. It looked just like him. I think it was him now.

I’m not sure where I’m going with this, except to throw it out to the universe that I’m grateful that I’m finding my past. Maybe that will help me find my present and my future.

So now that the pieces that matter seem to be falling back into place, where do I go from here. There are so many people out there that I know are wonderful, supportive and like me. I love meeting new people, and I love making new friends, and this seems much easier, now that I’m not feeling so empty inside from the loss of “my people”.

Peace,

OC