Normal...Not....

I've thinking today about the post I did last night regarding my family.

I’m thinking about my own kids. If they are anything like anyone I've ever known, one will come out OK…one will be messed up.

I think about my sister, she is a mess, she is a sixteen-year old in a fort-year old body, completely unable to take care of herself. I look at the siblings of my friends, there is usually one messed up kid for every kid that is "normal." You start out with great intentions, when they are little, they are easy. When they start growing up, the challenges really start compounding.

Now, this maybe or may not be true, as I am the mother of a 5 year old and a 3 year old, I'm just surmising right now. I don't want my kids to grow up to be messed up adults. I can't bear the thought. I guess that does give me a little sympathy for my mom in regards to my sister, a little, not much, because my sister is a mess by my mothers own design.

I guess though, I shouldn't say I want them to be "normal." I don't care if they are "normal" or not, honestly I'd prefer them not to be, normal is usually boring and simple minded. I want them to test their limits in a healthy way. I want them to question what they are told, and not believe everything because "someone" says so.

I told my friend today, I sent my 3-year old to school looking like a baby dyke today. She wanted to wear this huge-ass white t-shirt she got from the NICU reunion. So I let her, I tucked it into her styling jeans, put on a nice pink belt with a big huge silver buckle. Rolled up the arms of her t-shirt, and pulled her hair back into a slicked back pony tail. I had to giggle when I took her to preschool. Not exactly girly girl, but she was loving her outfit.

So, how do I turn out normal, healthy adults? Sometime in the not to distant future, I'm most likely going to rock my children's world. How on earth do I prepare for that?

I'm not going to be home making them chicken soup on cold winter days. I'm not going to be telling them to just "get saved" and everything will be OK…I'm a realist. I need to plan for this. I need to prepare, like a ground hog storing up for the winter. What to do????

Peace,

OC

Thursday on Bearsmountain

I'm not looking forward to this afternoon. I have to go pick up Small Son from Preschool and take him for his Kindergarten Well Check. He is going to have to have 3 immunizations today, as well as being thoroughly checked out. Poor little dude. I hate the shots more than the kidlets do I think. I promised him a chocolate dipped ice cream cone from Dairy Queen as a reward. I'm then bringing him back to work with me for the rest of the work day which he is totally excited about, he loves coming to work with me.

When I got him dressed this morning, in his newest jeans (less than 3 months old) I realized very quickly that they were high-waters. They looked like Capri's. How does this happen. We measured him last night, and he has grown 1 1/2 inches in the last 3 1/2 months. I am going to have to buy this kid an entire new wardrobe. I am stuck buying name brand jeans because he is so skinny and the normal cheap jeans are always too big for him around the waist.

I can't believe my baby is going to start kindergarten in less than a month. I don't know where the time flew away too. I was looking at baby pictures of him, and I remember it all so clearly. He was such a sweet baby, and I was ecstatic to have him. I felt like the luckiest person in the world, and I still do.

I really am having a "missing my boy" day today. He is just such a sweet boy, absolutely wonderful, loving, bright and sunny. He is a night owl like me. He loves music like me. He loves waking up in the middle of the night and watching old movies on TV with me, which maybe I shouldn't let him do, but the cuddle factor is too much for me to resist.

He is a "noticer." He knows how to make you feel good. Yesterday I came down after getting ready for work, and he looked right at me and said, "mommy, you are beautiful". I don't know where he learned that, not from his dad for sure. He will love on his sister to no end, even after he has punched her or she has bitten him. They adore each other and want to be with each other all the time.

Today I'm trying to focus on the good things in my life, the positive things, the things that give me inspiration to move ahead.

Last night, our neighbor girls offered to baby-sit for free as part of their church service project, so hubby and I went out to dinner sans kids. Although it didn't feel like a date or anything, we had a nice peaceful time, and did a little talking. He got me a gift certificate for my birthday to a really nice hotel, so I could have a day and night "off", and I was able to get that scheduled today. All in all, I think I'm managing to get a little "me" time in, which is certainly helping me to ground myself a bit more.

Peace,

OC

Homeward Bound

Tomorrow we start home.

I'm ready.

I want my garden back, and I'm anxious to see how it's doing. I hope it has survived without me, and that all the beans I planted before I left are starting to come up.

I've been thinking about someone lately. I feel so comforted when I think of this person, even though this person is an online friend, for some reason, it feels like we get each other.

I'm feeling really emotional tonight, and really lonely. I want to cuddle up with a kindred spirit with a nice bottle of wine, a jacuzzi bath, wonderful conversation, and electric sex. If I could wish on a star tonight, this is what I would wish for. I can almost feel this, I want it so bad.

Hubby wanted sex again today, and I put him off. I feel bad, but I also know he won't ask me why I don't feel like having sex with him. Am I destined to always be unhappy and unsettled?

My hands are as are falling asleep, my mind is not.

I'm listening to my favorite playlist on my iPod...it is titled "The Girls 4".

This trip has been such a struggle for me. It has been a place of great mental clarity as well. By the time I get home, I will have traveled through 8 states I've never been to before.

My kids are so spoiled I know it will be a struggle to get them back into their regular schedules. I have let them eat too much junk, I have let them swim every day, I have let them stay up past their bedtime and watch movies falling asleep, I have pretty much let go of all their limits and restrictions within reason. They have had a blast, and have actually surprised me with their very good behavior and loving spirits. I have been spoiled by so very many cuddles and kisses. What the heck, it's their vacation too!

I just adore my kids. I love them more than I ever thought I could love another person. I tell them this every day. They need to know their mama loves them silly. I ask my small son sometimes, "Why do I love you so much?"

His answer is, "because you made me mommy."

Who says children aren't smart? They really do hold the answers to life and love.

Peace,

OC