Crews Quarters

What a title.

That is the little bronzed plaque that is fastened to the wall above my head in a booth in my "cave-coffee" house.

Tom Petty is singing Mary Jane, there is an older couple perusing the post cards, I think they must be tourists.

Weird day for me today. I had lunch with "her" and told all. Told her about the trip. Told her about the fights, told her about hubby's addictions (she is an addictions counselor). I feel better, I feel stronger. I feel like I have the beginnings of a plan in my head.

I'm going to contact a counselor. I'm going to get some counseling for myself. I'm going to start going to some sort of Al-Anon/Narc-Anon group after that.

I've done some reading on preparing for divorce. I'm going to start getting copies of all pertinent documents, keep records, get a handle on our finances.

I'm also going to tell hubby that he needs to get help with his problem. That whether he thinks it is or not, it is effecting both myself and the kids to the point it is intolerable for me anymore.

I'm feeling strong right now.

I'm going to give myself six months to get my own work done. To get my affairs in order. I don't want to run into this blind. I've got much to lose, and two small souls to make sure I take care of.

I feel very sad that I've come to this point, and part of me wants to slam my fists against the wall and yell "NO".

I was out in my garden last night, and all I could think was "this time next year, this might not be my garden." I wasn't expecting this when I moved here. I thought I had my life in order.

The constant circling is hard to get my head around.

I am sure this is going to be so hard on my poor babies.

My "friend" thinks my hubby needs in-patient treatment. I really hope and pray that he will see how much this is all effecting his family and want to change, for the kids. I don't want them to lose their dad. It is hard for me even to admit what an addict he is. It's hard for me to open my own eyes and really see the situation as it exists.

One thing though, by letting go of my secrets, I am feeling free. I don't feel like I'm hiding him and keeping his secrets anymore. I want him to be healthy. I can't worry about him though, I need to worry about my kids and about myself.

If he wants to change and make his life better, I'll help him. That being said, I don't want to be married any longer. I have no intimacy with him. I have no emotional connection any longer. I love him dearly, he is my kids father, but I just want to be his friend now.

He has no clue to me or what I am feeling. He doesn't want to know the intense "Cancer" part of me that is moody, watchful, mama bearish, and stubborn. He wants me to do what he wants me to do. I fear I'm going to knock him on his ass, and I feel bad about it.

When I started this blog, I had no idea of the journey of self discovery I'd land on. I had no idea of the friends and connections I would make. I told myself when I first began having readers that I could "stay here for my kids". I guess I just wasn't ready to see what was in front of my face. I'm seeing it now..it big, fat capitol letters. I guess the blinds are finally open.

Peace,

OC

Falling UP

I’ve been thinking tonight, listening to music and sitting on my deck with a glass of wine. I’ve noticed that lately I look at people differently. My experience has changed so much, and I just don’t see them as I used to. I watch couples walking, and I don’t even know how to explain what I feel, except to say that I have no desire to be with a man any longer.

I was in the garden center yesterday, and saw two women together, picking out baby plants, getting ready to plant their garden. They had a child with them, and it just seemed so normal to me.

One of the things I have really been exploring lately, is my relationship with women. I have always had such a tight bond with women, and my relationships with men have always been lacking in comparison.

I have had sex with men, but it has, and still is women that I have the strong bond with. The connection that takes your breath away. This is so powerful for me. To realize all along that I have received my emotional meals from women, even when I was in such deep denial about my self.

The thing that struck me so poignantly at the garden center yesterday, about the women I mentioned, was that I was also there, with a woman, and a child, picking out plants to plant in our garden.

Metaphorically what does it mean that my “friend” and I have elected to plant a garden together? To start with the earth, to till it, to pull the tangles out of it’s hair. To smooth the ground. To create life and plant the small seeds of our future bounty?

This is so hard. Because she and I, we work so well together. We are connected, on a soul level. She is fighting it so hard, I’m not, I’ve accepted it. I’ve also accepted that she is not the person for me, because she is not in the place I am now. I will not walk a road that is going to hurt me more than I am already hurting.

When I think about this too much, I get angry at her, because ever since that night we had together, I have been unable to really feel comfortable baring my soul to her, because there are so many unresolved feelings. It’s not safe for me. At least one thing has come to fruition with my age, is I can see that this is a situation that is not good for me, and not fall into it again. I know, at some point, I will find the woman I was meant to be with.

As much as I care for my friend, I just can’t go there again, and that saddens me. It really does, because I do care so much for her. But now is not the right time, and I’m not willing to “fix” anyone any more. I want a mature partner, who knows who she is, and what she wants.

There is a line, from the Indigo Girls song, “Blood and Fire”

“I’m looking for someone who can take as much as I give
And give back as much as I need
You know and they still have he will to live ah no
Cause I’m intense, I am in need
I am in pain, I am in love
And I feel forsaken you know
Like the things I gave away”.

I don’t want to give away pieces of my soul anymore, unless I’m giving it to that person that can meet me, in all of my intensity, and give back to me honestly.

I am intense. So much goes on in my head, and the majority of it, is not expressed to anyone except the people that read my blog. I think, no I am sure, the people in my life would be terribly surprised to learn about the real me. I’ve become a fine chameleon. I can change with the color of words. The thing is though, I really don’t change. I just look like I do. I’ve learned to blend in, to take a back seat, all the while, this intense burning fire is living inside of me.

My “friend” came the closest to bringing this out in me. She did, but I think ultimately, I was too much for her. I frightened her, I’m sure. Yesterday in the middle of our planting, I caught her looking at me with such longing. I can tell, she is like me, maybe too much so. She is a lesbian, for as much as she claims she is straight. I wish I could tell her, in a way she would listen to me, that she is making a mistake by not accepting this now. I’ve made this mistake, and now I’m fighting for my life, and the life of my kids in a situation that I really don’t want to be in, but I don’t know how, or if I even should extract myself.


I am beginning to see my marriage struggling as well. I’m not sure if my husband sees it, but I do. I don’t feel connected to him any longer, I love him, but I don’t feel that soul connection, and besides our kids, there is very little we really have in common. I’m not ready to deal with this right now, but it is coming, be it in 5 months, or 5 years. That will depend on when I feel like it will be the right time for my kids, if there is any such thing. He doesn’t know me. It’s that simple, and I don’t believe he really wants to know me. He sees my surface. He is kind to me, and I know he loves me. This is not an intolerable marriage, but it is a marriage that is crumbling all the same.

I expect too much. I give too much. But I know there is someone out there, who wants what I want. Who wants to be able to give generously, and take when they need too. Who doesn’t want to play mind games, but really just wants to move on to a higher level of understanding. Who loves intensely.

A person who is passionate. Who loves to make love, really make love. A person who feels a deep need in herself to satisfy me as much as I want to satisfy her. A person who would happily spend Sundays in bed listening to the rain and sharing our dreams.


Thanks for reading,

Peace,

OC