Crews Quarters

What a title.

That is the little bronzed plaque that is fastened to the wall above my head in a booth in my "cave-coffee" house.

Tom Petty is singing Mary Jane, there is an older couple perusing the post cards, I think they must be tourists.

Weird day for me today. I had lunch with "her" and told all. Told her about the trip. Told her about the fights, told her about hubby's addictions (she is an addictions counselor). I feel better, I feel stronger. I feel like I have the beginnings of a plan in my head.

I'm going to contact a counselor. I'm going to get some counseling for myself. I'm going to start going to some sort of Al-Anon/Narc-Anon group after that.

I've done some reading on preparing for divorce. I'm going to start getting copies of all pertinent documents, keep records, get a handle on our finances.

I'm also going to tell hubby that he needs to get help with his problem. That whether he thinks it is or not, it is effecting both myself and the kids to the point it is intolerable for me anymore.

I'm feeling strong right now.

I'm going to give myself six months to get my own work done. To get my affairs in order. I don't want to run into this blind. I've got much to lose, and two small souls to make sure I take care of.

I feel very sad that I've come to this point, and part of me wants to slam my fists against the wall and yell "NO".

I was out in my garden last night, and all I could think was "this time next year, this might not be my garden." I wasn't expecting this when I moved here. I thought I had my life in order.

The constant circling is hard to get my head around.

I am sure this is going to be so hard on my poor babies.

My "friend" thinks my hubby needs in-patient treatment. I really hope and pray that he will see how much this is all effecting his family and want to change, for the kids. I don't want them to lose their dad. It is hard for me even to admit what an addict he is. It's hard for me to open my own eyes and really see the situation as it exists.

One thing though, by letting go of my secrets, I am feeling free. I don't feel like I'm hiding him and keeping his secrets anymore. I want him to be healthy. I can't worry about him though, I need to worry about my kids and about myself.

If he wants to change and make his life better, I'll help him. That being said, I don't want to be married any longer. I have no intimacy with him. I have no emotional connection any longer. I love him dearly, he is my kids father, but I just want to be his friend now.

He has no clue to me or what I am feeling. He doesn't want to know the intense "Cancer" part of me that is moody, watchful, mama bearish, and stubborn. He wants me to do what he wants me to do. I fear I'm going to knock him on his ass, and I feel bad about it.

When I started this blog, I had no idea of the journey of self discovery I'd land on. I had no idea of the friends and connections I would make. I told myself when I first began having readers that I could "stay here for my kids". I guess I just wasn't ready to see what was in front of my face. I'm seeing it now..it big, fat capitol letters. I guess the blinds are finally open.

Peace,

OC