Total Eclipse of my Heart

I'm not sure what is happening to me, I'm not sure I'm in control.

I'm feeling again. I'm dreaming again. I'm feeling people lost from my past back in my life. I can literally feel them. I dream about them. I know I'm dreaming of the truth.

My heart is opening up to the universe again.

When I became a parent, parts of me just shut down out of necessity. I simply couldn't do the things I wanted to do, and I really didn't need or want to at the time.

I'm starting to feel like me again.

I'm married, but my husband doesn't know the deepest reaches of my soul. I love him, I really do, but he doesn't know me. I don't think he can really know me, not deep down. I am longing for the kind of intensity I've always known, and it's not here in this house right now.

I see things, I feel things.

I'm falling for someone, and they don't even know it, except I sense it's mutual.

This person is a female. This person understands things no one has understood in so long. Can you fall in love with a friend? Or is it simply intensifying the friendship, I don't know. I know I need and want more.

Am I gay? Am I? I've always wondered, because even though I've never been with a woman, I've always longed too. I don't find sex with a man that thrilling. But maybe it's just that I don't find sex thrilling.

I don't know what to do, and I'm looking for answers.

I need the old parts of me back. I need to find the place in my heart where I'm truly at home.

I love my life right now, I truly do, it's just that I feel like there is this whole other dimension that is there next to me that I can't see, but I can sense it so close, so tantalizingly close, that all I have to do is have the courage to reach my hand through space and see what's on the other side.

I'm feeling super connected to my past right now, and trying to understand how that fits into my future. The thing is that life is going by so damned fast, it feels like I need to figure this out soon, fast, light lightening, or my chance will be gone.

Being in your 40's comes with certain advantages, I'm not afraid anymore, not of what people think of me anyway. I really don't care. You are either my friend, or you aren't, simple as that.