I"ll wait for myself

I’m selfish, and I suck.

I know I didn’t write of this, but my “friend” went away over the holiday’s and met a man. I have tried to sound excited for her, but I’m just not. I’m jealous. I hate that, since I am married, and have nothing to offer her at all. Not only that, I really do feel “over” it, but not over the feelings it stirred in me.

She and I were talking the other night and she said she felt like we were “dancing” around “it”. I told her we were indeed dancing around the whole thing. A few weeks ago at breakfast, she told me that even though it seemed like it, she didn’t get over it as easy as she let on. So where am I going with this??

Her new man is flying up here this weekend to visit. And I can feel her turning into that, and that’s OK, I know she isn’t feeling this the way I am, she was more lonely, and vulnerable than I am. I have such an involved life. The reality is that I don’t like it that she is falling in love with this guy, I just don’t like it. I really don’t. This is why I suck. This is why I’m a selfish beast.

She and I talked about this quite awhile ago as well, and I told her it would be really easy for me to slip over the edge, cross the line, and be what I am really meant to be. Gay. There, I’ve said it, once again. This is so hard for me to write about, and my feelings are flying around like berries in a blender, splattering red and blue life all over the glass walls. This really isn’t about “her”. It’s not. It’s about me, and the Pandora’s box I’ve opened in my soul.

I have thought a lot about this tonight, and I think part of it is that if she is with “him” then she won’t be with me, ever, and I know I still have some very real, very raw feelings for her.

That aside, that was the one and only time I’ve ever been with a woman, and it didn’t go as far as I had wanted it to, but I can still remember every detail of it, every soft touch, kiss and caress.

It was fiery and intense and the whole thing snuck up on me last fall. In a big way, I mean I’ve had “feelings” all of my life, but I’ve never acted on them. Now that I have, I want more, and am in no position to do that, without turning into the person I refuse to turn into.

I will not cheat again, it goes against everything in me, if I do decide eventually that I want to walk down this road of being a lesbian, then I need to do it in the right way, in the strong way, in the most honorable way that I can.

I have already made this mistake once (fooling around with her), I will not do it again. I will not do it until I decide that this is what I really want, then I will go about it in the right way. It (isn’t it funny how I keep calling it “it”?) does scare the hell out of me though. I mean, here I am, I own a house, I have a great car, a good job, lots of friends. To turn myself, my life, and my children's lives inside out and back again is not something that I can take lightly.

I’m also sure it would completely devastate my husband. I don’t know if I have it in me to do that to him. He is extremely important to me, I love him, and he is my children’s father.

I’m sure that anyone who has been through this struggle, knows what I am talking about, and I’m not suggesting that others have taken it lightly. I’m sure my own struggle is common when you realize in mid-life that you really are gay.

But realizing it, processing it, and doing something about it are completely different beasts. I’m sure each has it’s own rhythm, almost like the grieving process. Denial being the biggest and largest of the monsters.

I wonder why it is, that some people have the strength to know this about themselves when they are young, and others, like me, do not realize this until later.

My own cousin came out in her teens, and no one cared, including me. We all just accepted it for what it was. It’s not that I was raised in a conservative family, I wasn’t. My parents were very liberal, and I know they would never have given me a hard time about it. So why couldn’t I see it??

I’ll probably ask myself this question a million times, I don’t know that there is an answer for me, at least right now. Somehow, someday, maybe there will be, but right now, this is my life, and I need to live it. I’m starting to become ever grateful to this blog because it is allowing me to reach out to others, who are going through the same struggles and gain some much needed support. Just to know, that there are others out there in this big world, like me, going through similar things, is such a powerful realization.

Peace,

OC