Falling Moon

It's been a bad day today.

It started out bad. I overslept. I didn't get to take a shower because I had to get the kids ready for school. I did make it to work on time, I guess that is good.

I feel like I've swallowed the pariah pill at work. For some reason this week, no one is talking to me. Only when I talk first. It's like they are answering me, but not asking me anything. I've pretty much spent the week with my headphones on, doing my work.

So imagine my surprise when I go into my bosses office today, to ask him a simple question. All the sudden he asks me what this email was that I had sent him. I had sent him an email from someone in another department that I didn't know how to answer. He made me feel like a total moron. He wasn't listening to me when I tried to explain why I didn't understand what I was telling him.

Then he looks at me, and out of the blue, say's "Don't take this the wrong way, but is something wrong?" This is not in a concerned way, more like a sarcastic way. He asks me how me and co-worker ex have the phone lines split up, when I told him by the week, he said, well, there are people not being called back, and it seems to be on your week. I sat there thinking, WTF? I mean, just so everyone knows, we work in the fraud department, and the people calling us, for the most part, have been convicted of fraud on the welfare system, not exactly the most truthful bunch.

I was so tired today, and not handling myself well, and of course not thinking on my feet like I usually do, and that combined with suddenly feeling like I did some huge thing because no one wants to talk to me, just really sent me over the edge.

I have called everyone back, and I notate it in accounts. How does he know it is "my" week when he doesn't even know how we have the phones split? HOW??? Of course I didn't think of that until I got back to my desk. It just unnerved me, because he was in a bad mood, and really took it out on me today.

I felt like saying, do you realize I have ALL my work done?? All my phone calls are done. All my files are done, all my email has been answered, I'm down to working on mail returns...for fucks sake.

After this, I sank so far down into it, I ended up crying at my desk because I couldn't bare to get up and walk past people to get to the bathroom. I emailed my friend, and asked her if she could talk, and she was in the middle of a conference call. It just felt like shit.

After I finally left work, I went to do phones at Obama's office. I think I got every mean fucker in this state on the phone. I got cursed at, yelled at, hung up on.

Geezus, this has been one of the worst days I've had in a million fucking years. I feel so beat up, I really just want to fall into my bed and cry for a year. But I can't do that. I've been in a funk all week, but today took the cake.

Hubby called in the middle of all this at work, and when I told him I couldn't talk about it, and I would tell him later, he kept pushing. Finally he got that I didn't want to talk about it at work, but do you think he fucking asked me when I finally got home tonight??? NO...so there I sat, on the couch, feeling like shit, and now he ignores me.

I probably need to go have my depression med's checked, and I know I need to get myself into therapy, but I really think this is me falling apart. Maybe I'm hitting the bottom. Maybe this is it, OC is about to crash and burn. It was all I could do tonight not to pack up a bag and take off for a week, in fact I still haven't ruled it out, vacation days or no.

The one person who did notice, is the person that always notices, Small Son. He was super clingy when I got home, and I could tell he just sensed it. I'm tempted to go get him and put him into bed with me right now, just to snuggle. I'm not going to, because the odds are he will be in later anyway.

I am so homesick for CA. I'm so homesick for my old life. I'm sick of this place right now. I feel cut off, and isolated from everything I've ever known. There is no place to go, and no one to run to, and no one to talk to.

Then the final straw, I looked into the mirror tonight, and realized I look haggard. I look old and haggard.

Peace,

OC

I"ll wait for myself

I’m selfish, and I suck.

I know I didn’t write of this, but my “friend” went away over the holiday’s and met a man. I have tried to sound excited for her, but I’m just not. I’m jealous. I hate that, since I am married, and have nothing to offer her at all. Not only that, I really do feel “over” it, but not over the feelings it stirred in me.

She and I were talking the other night and she said she felt like we were “dancing” around “it”. I told her we were indeed dancing around the whole thing. A few weeks ago at breakfast, she told me that even though it seemed like it, she didn’t get over it as easy as she let on. So where am I going with this??

Her new man is flying up here this weekend to visit. And I can feel her turning into that, and that’s OK, I know she isn’t feeling this the way I am, she was more lonely, and vulnerable than I am. I have such an involved life. The reality is that I don’t like it that she is falling in love with this guy, I just don’t like it. I really don’t. This is why I suck. This is why I’m a selfish beast.

She and I talked about this quite awhile ago as well, and I told her it would be really easy for me to slip over the edge, cross the line, and be what I am really meant to be. Gay. There, I’ve said it, once again. This is so hard for me to write about, and my feelings are flying around like berries in a blender, splattering red and blue life all over the glass walls. This really isn’t about “her”. It’s not. It’s about me, and the Pandora’s box I’ve opened in my soul.

I have thought a lot about this tonight, and I think part of it is that if she is with “him” then she won’t be with me, ever, and I know I still have some very real, very raw feelings for her.

That aside, that was the one and only time I’ve ever been with a woman, and it didn’t go as far as I had wanted it to, but I can still remember every detail of it, every soft touch, kiss and caress.

It was fiery and intense and the whole thing snuck up on me last fall. In a big way, I mean I’ve had “feelings” all of my life, but I’ve never acted on them. Now that I have, I want more, and am in no position to do that, without turning into the person I refuse to turn into.

I will not cheat again, it goes against everything in me, if I do decide eventually that I want to walk down this road of being a lesbian, then I need to do it in the right way, in the strong way, in the most honorable way that I can.

I have already made this mistake once (fooling around with her), I will not do it again. I will not do it until I decide that this is what I really want, then I will go about it in the right way. It (isn’t it funny how I keep calling it “it”?) does scare the hell out of me though. I mean, here I am, I own a house, I have a great car, a good job, lots of friends. To turn myself, my life, and my children's lives inside out and back again is not something that I can take lightly.

I’m also sure it would completely devastate my husband. I don’t know if I have it in me to do that to him. He is extremely important to me, I love him, and he is my children’s father.

I’m sure that anyone who has been through this struggle, knows what I am talking about, and I’m not suggesting that others have taken it lightly. I’m sure my own struggle is common when you realize in mid-life that you really are gay.

But realizing it, processing it, and doing something about it are completely different beasts. I’m sure each has it’s own rhythm, almost like the grieving process. Denial being the biggest and largest of the monsters.

I wonder why it is, that some people have the strength to know this about themselves when they are young, and others, like me, do not realize this until later.

My own cousin came out in her teens, and no one cared, including me. We all just accepted it for what it was. It’s not that I was raised in a conservative family, I wasn’t. My parents were very liberal, and I know they would never have given me a hard time about it. So why couldn’t I see it??

I’ll probably ask myself this question a million times, I don’t know that there is an answer for me, at least right now. Somehow, someday, maybe there will be, but right now, this is my life, and I need to live it. I’m starting to become ever grateful to this blog because it is allowing me to reach out to others, who are going through the same struggles and gain some much needed support. Just to know, that there are others out there in this big world, like me, going through similar things, is such a powerful realization.

Peace,

OC