Falling Moon

It's been a bad day today.

It started out bad. I overslept. I didn't get to take a shower because I had to get the kids ready for school. I did make it to work on time, I guess that is good.

I feel like I've swallowed the pariah pill at work. For some reason this week, no one is talking to me. Only when I talk first. It's like they are answering me, but not asking me anything. I've pretty much spent the week with my headphones on, doing my work.

So imagine my surprise when I go into my bosses office today, to ask him a simple question. All the sudden he asks me what this email was that I had sent him. I had sent him an email from someone in another department that I didn't know how to answer. He made me feel like a total moron. He wasn't listening to me when I tried to explain why I didn't understand what I was telling him.

Then he looks at me, and out of the blue, say's "Don't take this the wrong way, but is something wrong?" This is not in a concerned way, more like a sarcastic way. He asks me how me and co-worker ex have the phone lines split up, when I told him by the week, he said, well, there are people not being called back, and it seems to be on your week. I sat there thinking, WTF? I mean, just so everyone knows, we work in the fraud department, and the people calling us, for the most part, have been convicted of fraud on the welfare system, not exactly the most truthful bunch.

I was so tired today, and not handling myself well, and of course not thinking on my feet like I usually do, and that combined with suddenly feeling like I did some huge thing because no one wants to talk to me, just really sent me over the edge.

I have called everyone back, and I notate it in accounts. How does he know it is "my" week when he doesn't even know how we have the phones split? HOW??? Of course I didn't think of that until I got back to my desk. It just unnerved me, because he was in a bad mood, and really took it out on me today.

I felt like saying, do you realize I have ALL my work done?? All my phone calls are done. All my files are done, all my email has been answered, I'm down to working on mail returns...for fucks sake.

After this, I sank so far down into it, I ended up crying at my desk because I couldn't bare to get up and walk past people to get to the bathroom. I emailed my friend, and asked her if she could talk, and she was in the middle of a conference call. It just felt like shit.

After I finally left work, I went to do phones at Obama's office. I think I got every mean fucker in this state on the phone. I got cursed at, yelled at, hung up on.

Geezus, this has been one of the worst days I've had in a million fucking years. I feel so beat up, I really just want to fall into my bed and cry for a year. But I can't do that. I've been in a funk all week, but today took the cake.

Hubby called in the middle of all this at work, and when I told him I couldn't talk about it, and I would tell him later, he kept pushing. Finally he got that I didn't want to talk about it at work, but do you think he fucking asked me when I finally got home tonight??? NO...so there I sat, on the couch, feeling like shit, and now he ignores me.

I probably need to go have my depression med's checked, and I know I need to get myself into therapy, but I really think this is me falling apart. Maybe I'm hitting the bottom. Maybe this is it, OC is about to crash and burn. It was all I could do tonight not to pack up a bag and take off for a week, in fact I still haven't ruled it out, vacation days or no.

The one person who did notice, is the person that always notices, Small Son. He was super clingy when I got home, and I could tell he just sensed it. I'm tempted to go get him and put him into bed with me right now, just to snuggle. I'm not going to, because the odds are he will be in later anyway.

I am so homesick for CA. I'm so homesick for my old life. I'm sick of this place right now. I feel cut off, and isolated from everything I've ever known. There is no place to go, and no one to run to, and no one to talk to.

Then the final straw, I looked into the mirror tonight, and realized I look haggard. I look old and haggard.

Peace,

OC

Falling Apart at Midnight

I'm sitting here in tears.

What can I say? I feel like I'm going to melt down.

Hubby and I got in a fight, a bad one tonight. I don't even know why. He came home from work, and seemed normal. We were watching TV with the kids, and everything just seemed normal, fine and peaceful.

I'm going to back up a little now.

Hubby had to work this morning, as he does every Saturday morning. I had arranged to have my babysitter come so I could go out to coffee with my friend. This is THE friend by the way, but we are still good friends, despite everything else. We went to the cave, had a great talk, had some coffee and a bagel. Then we went to the nursery and found some great tomato plants, some organic compost, and some seed packets. Next stop, we headed to Wal-Mart, we were just generally having a great time. She told me that someone asked her out, which was a big joke, because he was one of her clients (she's an addiction counselor), but we were joking about it. Somehow it came up and I said, "I'm done." "If I ever break up with hubby, I'm jumping the fence permanently."

I was a little amazed I said it, but she looked at me and said "seriously?"

I told her yes, I was totally serious, and that I was just done with men. That I get all my emotional needs met by women, and that I am finding myself more and more turned off by the male body, the male brain. She just looked at me and said, "well that fence wasn't very high to begin with, it doesn't surprise me."

Anyway, I took her home, stopped at the grocery store and got some stuff for dinners this weekend. I stopped at the mall and picked up hubby's fathers day present, and then headed home.

Fast forward about two hours, and home comes hubby. Seriously when he came home, everything was fine, we were talking, laughing, playing with the kids, and all the sudden either I became very bitchy or he turned into Dr. Jekyll. Maybe both. Anyway, I had gone out on the deck to sit in the sun for a bit with Little Miss, then my little son and I went down stairs to work in the garden. I didn't think anything of it. Little Miss was upstairs with Daddy watching a movie. All the sudden she is downstairs with me, in just her shirt and pull-up. She climbed in my car which I had driven across the lawn because I didn't want to carry those bags of compost all that way. She climbed in and began "driving" my car. All was well. Well she started getting a bit out of control, and Little Man started acting up a bit. Hubby finally came out to see what all the commotion was about. I even told him if he was tired to just grab a chair, get a glass of wine and just sit out with me while I worked.

He finally said "OK" and went and got himself a glass of wine and came back out and then I'm just not sure what went wrong from there. He disappeared back in the house and the kids started going crazy. I kept having to chase Little Miss across the yard, (remember the yard is an acre), and finally asked him to come back down and help me with the kids. He got an attitude with me about it, and finally I told him if he was going to be a grump to go back in the house and leave us alone, that I'd rather deal with the kids by myself if he was going to take his bad mood out on us.

He went back in, and I just kept getting mad. The kids were running, crying and whining. Finally I just gave up. I went back in the garage, and told him I was just going to cook the kids dinner. He got all mad and said, "GO BACK IN YOUR GARDEN". I told him "NO". From there, we got into one of the worst fights that we've ever gotten in, and right in front of the kids, which we never do, since we don't believe in fighting in front of the kids.

He yelled at me that I had a babysitter all morning, but waited until he got home to do any gardening so that HE would have to watch the kids. I got so mad, because he took off all day on Thursday with his friend out of town, to go fishing, I took the kids to DC and picked them up, so that he could have a day with his best friend. I just got so fucking mad. Again, it's like he needs his time, but I don't deserve "my" time.

Finally we got the kids up to the playroom, but we continued yelling, and I finally said, "what do you want a divorce????" He said "NO", I don't, I want you to go back out in the garden and then he threw his pack of ciggs on the floor in the kitchen.

I should have went.

But being me, and the one that can never let things go, I kept up, and told him no, I wasn't going back in the garden tonight, and that I was going to cook dinner because the kids were hungry. I could hear the kids crying up in the playroom, and he kept yelling at me to go back outside. Instead I went up to the playroom and hung out with the kids until I heard him go outside.

Finally, I went down to the garage and I got out the hamburger out and made burgers. He came in and said I'll cook the, and I was yelled at him, "No, I'll cook", go somewhere where you are not inflicting this on us. When I went outside to turn on the grill, he was down in the garden watering. The kids saw him and went down. I finished cooking dinner and called them up.

I then realized I couldn't sit there and pretend nothing was wrong, so I went up to my room and let him deal with the kids.

I stayed in my room and watched TV until he had the kids fed and gave them baths and got them ready for bed. So here is the thing, no matter how mad we've ever been before, we've always said good night to each other, and basically made up, at least a little.

Tonight, he didn't say anything or look at me, and neither did I. We didn't say goodnight. He went downstairs and went to bed. I'm sitting here so fucking upset that I'm having a hard time even breathing without bursting into tears.

I'm not trying to blame this fight on him, although I do think it's his fault. But I know when he gets like this, tired or burnt, I need to give him some time to chill, but today when he got pissed about me going out with my friend instead of "working" around the house, I lost it completely.

So now I can't figure out if I'm upset because of the fight, or the way I behaved, or the fact that when I told him we needed to talk and he said No, and I told him whether we did it now or later we needed to talk, and he said NO.

I'm probably not making sense here, it's hard to keep my thoughts in order right now.

I keep wondering if by telling my friend I was done with men, that I had a real attitude that I was done with it tonight.

I keep thinking I can choose when and where I want everything to happen and how it's going to happen, and then this just explodes in my face, in his face. I am still so upset, I was even considering running off with the kids tomorrow for a vacation without him. Just leave and get away, which would mean canceling our real vacation. The other thing is, that no matter how mad I am at him, or how hurt, I can't take the kids way on fathers day, even if my mothers day was shit. I have a gift for him, from the kids, from me, and cards. I have everything bought for a special dinner for him. Now I want to toss it all in the trash and leave.

I'm sick of this. Goddamn I'm sick of it.

OC