Falling Moon

It's been a bad day today.

It started out bad. I overslept. I didn't get to take a shower because I had to get the kids ready for school. I did make it to work on time, I guess that is good.

I feel like I've swallowed the pariah pill at work. For some reason this week, no one is talking to me. Only when I talk first. It's like they are answering me, but not asking me anything. I've pretty much spent the week with my headphones on, doing my work.

So imagine my surprise when I go into my bosses office today, to ask him a simple question. All the sudden he asks me what this email was that I had sent him. I had sent him an email from someone in another department that I didn't know how to answer. He made me feel like a total moron. He wasn't listening to me when I tried to explain why I didn't understand what I was telling him.

Then he looks at me, and out of the blue, say's "Don't take this the wrong way, but is something wrong?" This is not in a concerned way, more like a sarcastic way. He asks me how me and co-worker ex have the phone lines split up, when I told him by the week, he said, well, there are people not being called back, and it seems to be on your week. I sat there thinking, WTF? I mean, just so everyone knows, we work in the fraud department, and the people calling us, for the most part, have been convicted of fraud on the welfare system, not exactly the most truthful bunch.

I was so tired today, and not handling myself well, and of course not thinking on my feet like I usually do, and that combined with suddenly feeling like I did some huge thing because no one wants to talk to me, just really sent me over the edge.

I have called everyone back, and I notate it in accounts. How does he know it is "my" week when he doesn't even know how we have the phones split? HOW??? Of course I didn't think of that until I got back to my desk. It just unnerved me, because he was in a bad mood, and really took it out on me today.

I felt like saying, do you realize I have ALL my work done?? All my phone calls are done. All my files are done, all my email has been answered, I'm down to working on mail returns...for fucks sake.

After this, I sank so far down into it, I ended up crying at my desk because I couldn't bare to get up and walk past people to get to the bathroom. I emailed my friend, and asked her if she could talk, and she was in the middle of a conference call. It just felt like shit.

After I finally left work, I went to do phones at Obama's office. I think I got every mean fucker in this state on the phone. I got cursed at, yelled at, hung up on.

Geezus, this has been one of the worst days I've had in a million fucking years. I feel so beat up, I really just want to fall into my bed and cry for a year. But I can't do that. I've been in a funk all week, but today took the cake.

Hubby called in the middle of all this at work, and when I told him I couldn't talk about it, and I would tell him later, he kept pushing. Finally he got that I didn't want to talk about it at work, but do you think he fucking asked me when I finally got home tonight??? NO...so there I sat, on the couch, feeling like shit, and now he ignores me.

I probably need to go have my depression med's checked, and I know I need to get myself into therapy, but I really think this is me falling apart. Maybe I'm hitting the bottom. Maybe this is it, OC is about to crash and burn. It was all I could do tonight not to pack up a bag and take off for a week, in fact I still haven't ruled it out, vacation days or no.

The one person who did notice, is the person that always notices, Small Son. He was super clingy when I got home, and I could tell he just sensed it. I'm tempted to go get him and put him into bed with me right now, just to snuggle. I'm not going to, because the odds are he will be in later anyway.

I am so homesick for CA. I'm so homesick for my old life. I'm sick of this place right now. I feel cut off, and isolated from everything I've ever known. There is no place to go, and no one to run to, and no one to talk to.

Then the final straw, I looked into the mirror tonight, and realized I look haggard. I look old and haggard.

Peace,

OC

The Madlands

The MadLands

I’m writing this driving through the Badlands of South Dakota.

We just had a catastrophe happen in the camper. Evidently “I” didn’t make sure all the cabinets were closed where the dishes live. Hubby stopped to pee, and went back to use our facilities. He came storming out yelling that “I” had one “hell” of a mess to clean up. The Pyrex bowels I had up in the cupboards fell and shattered. The wine bottle spilled and went all over the kitchen. OK...I get it, big fucking mess.

So I tell him I need to clean up said mess. Wine stains, Need to get the wine and glass up. So we start cleaning it up. We pick up most of the big pieces of glass. Still he loses it and I tell him to go out and stay with the kids. I pick up as much of the rest of the glass as I can see, start wiping down the cupboards, etc. Tossed the kitchen towels that were covered in wine, and took that bag of trash out to the pick up, so it wouldn’t stink up the camper. I hear him out yelling at the kids. I hear the “F” bomb come out because my small son won’t take a sip out of the fucking green sippy cup. I told him to get the kids the sippy’s I had prepared out of the fridge, and he got the empty ones out of the cupboard. So I asked him, “did you get the ones out of the fridge like I asked you too”? “What sippy’s in the fridge?” Fuck...I look in the fridge, there are the ice water filled sippy’s sitting right there. Not to mention, the kids have had their own sippy’s this whole trip. Small son, blue sippy bottle, Little Miss, green sippy bottle. The kids freaking know which one is theirs, but Daddy doesn’t pay attention to such details.

I told him I don’t appreciate him talking to the kids or myself like that...he said he “apologized to small son”, but that he “won’t apologize to me” because I should have “Fucking checked to make sure the damn doors were closed.”

“What the fuck ever”....I swear shit like this makes me want to bolt, right now. This is one of the things I like the least about him. His reaction to things. His instant yelling and acting like it’s the fucking end of the world. I mean, yeah, pain in the butt, we need to spend 20 minutes cleaning up an accidental mess. So fucking what??? It’s not the end of the world. I have the vacuum with us. I can vacuum up the mess later...it’s mostly cleaned up, the world is not ending.

He’s sitting here next to me in the truck, watching me type out of the corner of his eye, I know he is thinking I’m typing about him, he’s right.

More later...as saga continues....

Peace,

OC