I went out to lunch with "her" today. No worries, I'm so over her, the thing is we are still good friends. We were sitting at our favorite little Mexican haunt, complete with wooden deck and chairs over looking the mountain view.
She is starting grad school next month, and has pretty much decided she is moving out of town this weekend. I think it's a good move for her, but I'm digressing. We were sitting at our table, and there was a group of 30-Something's at the table across from us. One of them had a little baby in a baby carrier. A little girl with lots of hair, dimples and a set of obviously adoring parents. My guess is this is the first baby in this group of friends, by the way they were all making faces at her and talking about her hair, dimples and how much she wanted to be out of the carrier and "up" with them, how she didn't sleep last night, all the typical things you talk about when you are a sleep deprived parent.
It's cute. She was a cute baby, I was just so happy it wasn't me that was her mommy. I think I'm still not over Little Miss and her traumatic arrival. When I was driving her to Pre School this morning, I was watching her in the rear view mirror. She was sucking on a "binkie", (yes, bad mama because I haven't made her get rid of it yet, but in my own defense, she is potty training), anyway, I was thinking to myself how happy I was that she wasn't a baby any longer. I'm done with babies. I'm so happy my kids are turning into kids finally. It's been a long long 5 years that has sped by with such intensity of feeling.
It's a feeling of coming full circle. From wanting kids so badly, and getting my head around being 38 and no baby in site, to having 2 babies in a little over two years, both preemies, one very hard baby. Now I sit back, feeling content and happy I have these beautiful children in my life. I know I am lucky. I also know what a miracle it is that I made it this far, and actually got to become the mother I am.
Looking back, I wanted kids so badly. I sat back and watched all of my friends have kids, most of them in their early to mid 20's and I just remember being so incredibly sad. The more I thought about it, the sadder I would become, because I couldn't imagine not having kids. I know what it feels like to be in the middle of that sadness, I lived it for many years. I still don't know what miracle allowed me to become pregnant...twice, but I'm not going to look a gift horse in the mouth.
That being said, I'm so happy to be coming out of baby fog. Those of you with kids, and especially with high needs kids know what I'm saying. I'm not saying it was harder for me than anyone else, I'm sure it wasn't, it's just one of those things you really can't explain. You have to walk the walk to really understand it. I thought I did, until I was up, night after night, with a screaming pukey baby I nearly threw at the wall. I remember waking hubby up many times with Little Miss telling him, "you have to get up, I'm going to toss her at the wall." He would get up, and I would be saved from child murder. You get so tired, so out of it, so emotional, and when nothing will make that baby quit screaming, you really run out of things to do.
So now we are at 3 & 5. We are done with diapers, bottles and nursing (I nursed Small Son, and used bottles with Little Miss). We are done with cribs, highchairs and swings. I have an actual living room again, not a toy box. It's nice. It's nice to take the kids and not have to carry all the gear I used to have to carry.
So there you have it, no point, just me thinking out loud.
Peace,
OC
She is starting grad school next month, and has pretty much decided she is moving out of town this weekend. I think it's a good move for her, but I'm digressing. We were sitting at our table, and there was a group of 30-Something's at the table across from us. One of them had a little baby in a baby carrier. A little girl with lots of hair, dimples and a set of obviously adoring parents. My guess is this is the first baby in this group of friends, by the way they were all making faces at her and talking about her hair, dimples and how much she wanted to be out of the carrier and "up" with them, how she didn't sleep last night, all the typical things you talk about when you are a sleep deprived parent.
It's cute. She was a cute baby, I was just so happy it wasn't me that was her mommy. I think I'm still not over Little Miss and her traumatic arrival. When I was driving her to Pre School this morning, I was watching her in the rear view mirror. She was sucking on a "binkie", (yes, bad mama because I haven't made her get rid of it yet, but in my own defense, she is potty training), anyway, I was thinking to myself how happy I was that she wasn't a baby any longer. I'm done with babies. I'm so happy my kids are turning into kids finally. It's been a long long 5 years that has sped by with such intensity of feeling.
It's a feeling of coming full circle. From wanting kids so badly, and getting my head around being 38 and no baby in site, to having 2 babies in a little over two years, both preemies, one very hard baby. Now I sit back, feeling content and happy I have these beautiful children in my life. I know I am lucky. I also know what a miracle it is that I made it this far, and actually got to become the mother I am.
Looking back, I wanted kids so badly. I sat back and watched all of my friends have kids, most of them in their early to mid 20's and I just remember being so incredibly sad. The more I thought about it, the sadder I would become, because I couldn't imagine not having kids. I know what it feels like to be in the middle of that sadness, I lived it for many years. I still don't know what miracle allowed me to become pregnant...twice, but I'm not going to look a gift horse in the mouth.
That being said, I'm so happy to be coming out of baby fog. Those of you with kids, and especially with high needs kids know what I'm saying. I'm not saying it was harder for me than anyone else, I'm sure it wasn't, it's just one of those things you really can't explain. You have to walk the walk to really understand it. I thought I did, until I was up, night after night, with a screaming pukey baby I nearly threw at the wall. I remember waking hubby up many times with Little Miss telling him, "you have to get up, I'm going to toss her at the wall." He would get up, and I would be saved from child murder. You get so tired, so out of it, so emotional, and when nothing will make that baby quit screaming, you really run out of things to do.
So now we are at 3 & 5. We are done with diapers, bottles and nursing (I nursed Small Son, and used bottles with Little Miss). We are done with cribs, highchairs and swings. I have an actual living room again, not a toy box. It's nice. It's nice to take the kids and not have to carry all the gear I used to have to carry.
So there you have it, no point, just me thinking out loud.
Peace,
OC
Mine is 24 now, and he will someday have me a Grandchild. I'll totally enjoy that Grandchild because I'll be able to send the baby home with Mommy and Daddy and get a good nights sleep.
ReplyDeleteCody's first year of life was one of the hardest years of MY life. He didn't sleep but about two hours and he would wake up crying wanting a bottle, or just to be held. I had a day shift job at a sewing factory at the time, and I thought I would die from lack of sleep. Then miraculously at one year of age he slept through the night. I woke up about 4am realizing that he hadn't woken up, and I was terrified. I ran to the crib, and there was my little baby sleeping like a log.
I would have shouted hallelujah, but that would have woken him up! And from then on he slept through the night every night.
I noticed in your Crone Songs Living In My Head that you have Blood And Fire by the Indigo Girls there. That song is probably one of my absolute favorites by them. Amy's voice is so full of emotion...I get a lump in my throat every time I hear it.
Connie
funny .....I didn't really expect an old croan to be speaking about raising babies up....I couldn't have children myself but was blessed to have adopted a son from birth....he's 19 now and I am experiencing the dreaded empty nest syndrome....while so many of my friends are raising wee ones...I am slowly beginning to embrace a new phase of my life.....it's interesting the different stages we are all at.
ReplyDeleteI with you. My boys are 8 and 3 and I'm loving it. I didn't have the difficult time you did, but I'm also no longer in baby mode. Mr. EM had a vasectomy a couple of years ago and I was thrilled. There are times when I wish I could go back in time and just hold my boys as babies for a little while, but I don't want to go back to nursing and sleepless nights and my arms being sore from carrying them everywhere and, yes...taking everything but the kitchen sink every time I leave the house! Enjoy those kids. Every age is an adventure!
ReplyDeleteI have one who's almost 19, and living on her own. She's close enough that I don't have a chance to miss her. my youngest is now 5, and I am so ready for her to start kindergarten and become a school kid. She was a beautiful, demanding baby. She never slept. In consequence, I never slept. But I remember that feeling, when Megan was growing up, that I wanted another one so badly - and I wouldn't trade that experience for the world.
ReplyDeleteI can wait for grandkids. I want them, but please, not yet.
I think it is wonderful that you have two little ones. I can't even imagine what that must be like - the joy, the worry, the hardwork, the rewards. Your babies are lucky to have such a great Mom.
ReplyDeleteThe jump to the Next Stage of Life is a wonderful thing. I never felt a nostalgia for the baby years once the diapers, the nursing, the crib...all were behind me. I can admire others' children and understand their joys, frustrations--and yet do not miss those days. I have seen that it only gets better.
ReplyDeleteWell put writing, OC. Thank you--I loved reading that, especially tonight. Be well.
*nods* Those newborn days - hard times. Hard. Times.
ReplyDeleteBut I miss my babies, even as I so love the girls they've become. Maybe it's rosy tinted hindsight, I dunno. I miss how close I used to be able to hold them. I miss the funny things they said when they were learning to talk. I miss that they didn't talk back - ha! :)
With a 26 y.o. son and nearly 23 y.o. daughter I am loooong past the "baby" stuffs. I was happy, thrilled, ecstatic to have had them, glad to see each phase come, overjoyed to see each of those earlier ones go.
ReplyDeleteAnd though all is not perfect, it is, afterall, life, I am enjoying now best. I can only hope it continues to improve as they age and we become even closer.
Enjoy and cherish each day, for each one is precious. ~~which, of course, goes without saying. :)
I appreciate it so much when mothers can be real about the joys/nightmares of having young children. To be able to say, "I'm going to throw the baby against the wall...." praying, hoping of course you'd never be pushed that far, but knowing it's okay to express it. Mine is 20 now....and I was divorced when she was 2. Many difficult years in between...there were times when I could have thrown her out the window, but for the grace of God, Goddess, or the universe.
ReplyDeleteThank you for such an honest post.
Right there with you. Rach will be 13 in a few weeks and I have no desire to go back to the baby stage. It was fun while it lasted but we have other things to look forward to now.
ReplyDelete