I had to stay home today because Little Miss is sick, and neither one of us got any sleep last night. I've been doing much thinking today.
I'm in this nutrition weight loss class at our hospital right now. It's just not working for me. I'm feeling guilty and resentful.
I think I do better on my own. I know this program will work for some people, and if I had my head in the right space, it probably would for me as well, but I'm not there right now.
I've got so much going on with me and the kids, and my own mental coming out issues, that this just seems like too much wood on the fire right now. The thing is, I do want to lose weight. I want to feel better. I want to be attractive and feel sexy again.
My body has changed since I have had my my kids. Changed in both good and bad ways. I don't mind the extra stretch marks and surgical scars, I earned them. They are the proverbial road map to my life.
I do mine the extra 20 lbs I put on and haven't been able to get off. I don't look the way I want to look, and I sure don't feel the way I want to feel.
My weight is really just a symptom of my own unhappiness right now. I know I'm an emotional eater, and I know that other times, it's really easy for me to eat healthy. A lot of times, it just depends on how overwhelmed I feel at the moment. If I feel overwhelmed, I don't want to cook, and fast food or junk makes it's way in. If I'm feeling under control, then I feel like taking the time and making the effort to actually cook. Most of which is pretty healthy fare. I love veggies and chicken. I love grilling and cooking lighter fare. I'm not really into heavy anything, except maybe cheese, I love cheese way too much.
So what do I need to do? I'm not sure.
I go back and forth so much, it's like I'm riding my own teeter totter.
I keep thinking about what I need to do. It feels urgent sometimes, and other times, not so much.
I know much of this is going to be somewhat solved when I make it out on the other side of the fence.
Peace,
OC
Oh, I'm so with you on this one, OC. I was doing so well this summer with eating better, not eating junk late at night (my biggest issue) and exercising every day (another issue). Then I went back to work. Now I exercise for sure 2 nights a week, because I paid for a class and dammit, if I paid for it I'm going! But on the nights I don't have class, it's so easy to put off exercising until I know I won't do it. Like right now, I should be exercising...Mr. EM has taken one son to go pick up the other, I have the house to myself...what am I doing? Checking blogs. I don't have the same mental stuff clogging my mind right now, but the craziness of work this year is bringing me down and keeping me from taking care of myself.
ReplyDeleteI hope we both get off our butts and do something! We'd feel so much better if we did...
It's not easy, that's for sure. I find going to the gym at work actually beats sitting at my desk. Even with that, I'm not going as much as I should be. And cheese? That is my weakness too. Everything tastes better with cheese!
ReplyDeleteI'm walking still. Going on five months because dieting doesn't work for me and I have to take care of my body at this point.
ReplyDeleteIt gets easier and I'm not fighting it as much as I was in April. I look forward to the walks as much as the dogs do now.
It's more of a lifestyle change and an affirmation of loving yourself maybe?
You're in an odd spot. Unhappiness can take a big toll on you. Fix what is bothering you and the rest kind of follows.
Of course that's easy for me to say. Not so much to actually do. But I keep trying and honestly the walking time gives me time to think and sort things out in my mind.
just try to be conscious of the choices you make -in all areas. you can get in the habit of making healthy, authentic choices and one will lead to another in every aspect of your life.
ReplyDeletepeace-
janet
I have other areas that I need to work on. The fact that I don't have weight (or rather, *over*) issues is irrelevant; we all have our ways that we are not optimally good to ourselves as a result of how we are feeling and the obstacles we currently face. I might fall off my no-soy wagon (a biggee since it's an allergy). Or things manifest in an insomniac binge--I know well there are things I can do to make myself sleep and I merely choose NOT to do them. That eats away at my well-being, my patience and my self-esteem.
ReplyDeleteNo matter the battles we personally wage, we are all in this together. Strength and will to you, my friend!
Be well, OC.