One of my favorite places, Point Reyes Beach in CA
I was talking to a friend yesterday.She said, "do you ever feel married, and not married at the same time?"
Bingo, that hits the nail on the head.
I'm married, but I don't feel married, but I am married and I do feel married. Whew! How does this happen?
I'm just feeling it tonight is all.
I had my tooth pulled out yesterday, and it really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. That's good.
Bad though, is I'm feeling so restless and unhappy with my situation. Hubby has been being pretty sweet lately, and that is making it worse. I wish had more guts. I talk a good game in my head, but I can't seem to get the action part of me in gear.
I'm paralyzed by my own inability to move again. I want out of this. At the same time, "this" is all I know.
I want passion in my life. Not just sex. The passion of coming home, and being so excited to see someone that I can't wait to get home. The passion of knowing my partner is the first person I want to call when I'm happy or sad. The passion of knowing that the perfect day, is a day at home with that person, not trying to figure out how to get out of the house to have some "me" time.
I know I've been super focused on the election, but now that it is almost over, I feel the same sad, unfulfilled feelings returning.
I know this morning, after a day of taking some pretty intense pain killers for my tooth, I woke up, with Little Miss on one side of me, and Small Son on the other side of me, both cuddled up to me like little puppies, and realized that they are what keep me going. I love my kids so much, I don't even know how to express it. I love feeling their warm babyish smelling body's snuggled up to me, their little faces peaceful in sleep. I love being a mom.
I just want to be a mom that is in love. A mom who feels like she can count on my partner on a good day, and on bad day. A mom who has someone to spend the night with, kissing and snuggling and talking and loving.
I want so much, and my life is speeding by so fast. My Little Miss is 3 1/2..how is that possible? How is it possible that my dad has been gone for five years? How is it possible I've been living here, in the cold place I now call home for nearly 4 years?
Like the R.E.M. song says, "Everybody Hurts, take comfort in your friends." I think that just may be the gist of it, I don't have any "real" friends here. There is not one person living here that I can REALLY talk to. The one person, well "she" moved away, and besides we weren't talking much anyway. There is no one here now.
I saw a bumper sticker the other day, that said, "I love my computer because my friends live in it." Geez, that is so true for me. I even listed that on the meme I did a few days ago. I'd lose my mind without my computer. I have found a community of people like me, who live in and around the boondocks who also need someone. We are out there, all of us, spread out, but the Internet brings us together in a way nothing else can.
So, tell me about you.
What is your favorite song?
Your favorite perfume/smell?
Dark or light beer?
Red or white wine?
Favorite mixed drink?
Favorite shot?
Your favorite weird comfort food?
Your favorite color?
Do you have an iPod?
Favorite song in the whole world.
Mac or PC? Why?
Kids?
Perfect Passion Filled night?
Favorite kind of pasta?
Favorite blog, (besides mine of course...hehe).
What is your biggest worry, social cause, passion??
Any off the wall thing you want to tell me.
If you don't want to leave your name, post it anon in my comments.
This is not a meme, you don't have to tag.
Peace,
OC
Favorite Song: Dead Flowers by the Rolling Stones
ReplyDeleteFavorite Smell: Patchouli, onions and garlic sauteeing and Baby Magic Baby Lotion
Beer: Fat Tire, by New Belgium, with Mothership Wit coming in a close second
Wine: Reisling
Mixed Drink: I don't really have a favorite
Shot: Wild Turkey
Comfort Food: Ramen noodle soup
Color: Most shades of green
Ipod: My husband has one that I use on road trips
Song is whole wide world: "I Can See Clearly", but I don't know who sings it...but the original, not any corny covers
Mac or PC: PC, I don't know why. My husband is the techie and I know he'd like a Mac, but cash is tight so I'm sure we have a PC for financial reasons
Kids: 2 boys, 8 and 3, and no more for us thanks!
Perfect Night of Passion: It doesn't have to even be a night, but when Mr. EM and I have a good chunk of time alone together anything can and usually does happen. It's great to reconnect as a couple. Our trip to Kansas City was so rejuvenating!
Pasta: I make a honey garlic angel hair recipe that is to die for.
Blog: I like reading my friend Jill's blog because she lives far away and it's nice to keep up with what she's doing. I also love to read Maria.
Biggest Worry or Cause: I feel strongly about the environment, education and reproductive rights. Go Obama!!!
I've been up and down for weeks now, not sure if I've done the right thing, wanting the old life back, as sterile as it was, second-guessing myself all the time. Fear is the tool that ego uses to keep us in the same place, that prevents us from moving forward, that tells us that we cannot be alone, that we need someone else to validate our worthiness. I had to work hard to overcome those fears,(and believe me, I haven't finished the work just yet) and I think that in your own time, you will realize what's holding you back, and you'll learn how to deal with it.
ReplyDeleteWhat I would strongly suggest - and this is from hindsight - is that you have some kind of support network around you when you make your changes. My blogging friends have been excellent support for me, but until I reconnected with my existing friends and relatives on a deeper level, I really felt adrift - and came close to losing it once or twice. If you have people in your life that you can trust, that you can confide in and seek out when you are hurting, it will make a world of difference. I had to learn to ask for help, and when I did, I had so much love and support that I was absolutely overwhelmed with gratitude.
I'll leave the answers to your questions on my blog later today. Hugs to you.
What is your favorite song?
ReplyDeleteI have many. "Naive Melody" by Talking Heads is one.
Your favorite perfume/smell?
Sea air; balsam; wet dog. No, not wet dog. I hate that.
Dark or light beer?
Neh.
Red or white wine?
Red. Pinot please.
Favorite mixed drink?
I like pina coladas.
Favorite shot?
I dunno. Baileys? I don't do shots.
Your favorite weird comfort food?
Dark chocolate nonpareils melted onto Italian bread. (You did say weird.)
Your favorite color?
purple
Do you have an iPod?
Nope.
Favorite song in the whole world. ?
Mac or PC? Why?
PC, because Mr. S. needs 'em for his research, and I get the leftover computers as they become obsolete for his purposes.
Kids?
Two girls, 6 and 4 1/2.
Perfect Passion Filled night?
Well. Let's just say I'd like a shot at talking Daniel Craig out of his engagement.
Favorite kind of pasta?
I like long curly noodles in butter-lemon-white wine sauce.
Favorite blog, (besides mine of course...hehe).
I love Maria's. Also I'm becoming fond of Isis the Scientist.
What is your biggest worry, social cause, passion??
I try not to worry about war, but I still sometimes do. I'm passionate (usually quietly, but not passively, so) about environmental issues, feminism, civil rights of homosexual and transgender people, fighting poverty and childhood obesity, and generally acting against the mindless, wasteful consumerism that our culture seems to have completely embraced.
Also I am a complete fanatic about proper grammar, which I consider to be a social cause in its own right.
Any off the wall thing you want to tell me.
I *hate* puppet shows.