God, I go back and forth so much, it makes me dizzy.
I've been pretty much ignoring my feelings since the election, but now that it's over I've become completely flooded with them.
I swear, someday I'm going to actually check myself into the loony bin.
I am trying to take care of myself. I'm doing things that are good for me.
I had a wonderful day today with my kidlets, part of which entailed a very dear friend coming over, bringing her boys and we just let the kids tear it up. We made home made pizza, and watched movies and let the kids play power rangers.
After they left, I had a lovely nap with both kidlets. I love Saturday afternoon naps with my kids, they are both such wonderful snugglers.
Hubby was gone all day, fishing with his friend, so he had a good day, and when he finally came home, was tired and happy.
So what's wrong tonight???
I made the mistake of putting on the Indigo Girls on my iPod. I haven't even been listening to music much lately. I've been devouring books on tape, political writings that I don't have time to read right now. At work, I tend to have Air America on the computer live stream. So I just haven't been feeding music into myself.
Tonight, I put on "romeo & juliet", and goddamn if Amy Ray's voice doesn't do me in every fucking time. My head is spinning with want and need I have no way of getting to right now. I know I've said it a million times, but it would be ever so much easier if I didn't like hubby, if I didn't love him so.
I found out today, that a friend I used to work with at my previous job, divorced her husband and in now living with a woman. How come she has the guts and I don't?
I've been taking shelter in my kids love and affection. I have great kids, loving kids, who tell me they love me all the time. Who love to cuddle with me every bit as much as I love cuddling with them. Who know I love them.
Why are the tests put in front of you at the worst possible times in your life?
If this had come up for me 7 or 8 years ago, it would have been easily solved. Now, I just feel constrained by my life, my job, my friends (here in my new town) and by the fact that it's just not a good time for me to come out.
I sometimes feel my dad looking down, holding my hand in his ever loving way, telling me everything is going to be alright. I know in the end, it will be. I know I'm approaching the point of no return, it maybe be in 6 months or 2 years, I have no idea, but there it is, looming up on me like a brightly rainbow colored beast. Just sitting there waiting for me. I know when I go there, after the initial pain, life will be better, at least in my soul. But I know there are so many hard stickery things I have to walk over barefoot first.
I'm going to see my grandma next week. This is a 550 mile each way trip. I'm looking at snow the entire way home. I have rented a fab (read: jacuzzi suite) room, and will have a weekend away, alone.
I am also certain, I must go this time, weather good bad or ugly, as I feel in my gut my grandma is about to leave and I need to say goodbye. She is 96. She has been a rock for me my entire life.
Well, since it is nearing 2:00am, I need to at least try to get some sleep.
Peace,
OC
And you think Amy Ray's voice can have that effect - wait until you meet her. My knees are still weak....
ReplyDeleteI left my marriage almost 25 years ago. Would I have done it if I had not met my partner? I doubt it. Even after I met her, it was still the single most difficult decision I have ever made. It took me years to leave him. I lived in conflict all that time. If it had not been my partner then, it would have been another woman sometime and I did not want to live my life having a string of affairs. My husband was a good man and a great father but I did not have a soul connection with him. He was not who I wanted to be my life partner. Not even close. At some pivotal point, I knew deep down I was never going to be in love with him and I was merely hiding the truth of who I am from everyone. It was a difficult process but when I realized completely that I would never be happy without an intimate relationship with a woman I knew what I had to do.
ReplyDeleteI do not think the universe tests us. What would be the point?
Your friend’s circumstances were different from yours. Comparing yourself to anyone else’s coming out journey will do nothing but make you feel badly about yourself. Only you know your situation and its many variables. Where do you see yourself in 10 years? In five years? What about this coming year? What do you have to do to get there? Looking at my life in respect to those few questions helped me know what I had to do.
You must seem very much alone. You are not, there is a ton of support out here blog land.
Peace to you.
I think it will do you a world of good to get away for a few days. I hope you really enjoy yourself on this trip and that you are able to get a little R&R.
ReplyDelete