BearsMountain: Tangled Thoughts Inside my OC Brain

December 30, 2008

Tangled Thoughts Inside my OC Brain

Today's been a stressful day, but just inside of OC. My "real" life went fine, work was fine, home was fine. "OC" was breaking down inside. I ended up calling my doctor today and managed to score an appointment tomorrow morning for a med check. I think my anti-depressants are taking a dump on me. I also FINALLY made the phone call to that counselor today.

I cn't take much more I tell you.

I woke up, first thing on my mind, was wondering if my friend here in town still had her condo for rent. I swear that was the very first thought in my head this morning.

You all have been telling me, that when it gets bad enough, when I hit the bottom, I'll get myself out of this mess. I think you may be right. I'm ready to bolt tonight. I mean, pack up my kids and just run far far away. I want out. I want to be free of this. I want to be who I really am.

I don't know why I have to do everything the hard way. I get like this, then hubby does something nice (because he is basically a nice guy) and I feel horrible. I feel like a loser. I feel like I'm letting everyone in my life down by even considering what I'm considreing. How can this be?

I am so unhappy. I feel so badly. I want to feel better, but I really think I need a med adjustment as well. I need some guidance about what I want to do. I really appreciate everyone reading this, it helps me so much to know you are all out there.

I never realized coming out could be this hard, or cause me this much pain. I never reaized you get to the point you can really no longer stand it. I'm afraidn for my kids here in MT. Maybe I need to leave. To get them out of here, I don't want them to have pain that is caused by me, and I can see that happening in this narrow minded place (OK, semi narrow minded anyway). I don't know what the custody laws or the normal rulings are for custody here. I know he will fight me hard. So, I think it's best to just break up, and leave my personal life out of the mix.

How am I ever going to do this, to survive it? What about my poor little babies? I realized this week, I don't want a pet, simply because I don't want to figure out where the pet is going to have to live.

OK, enough of my pity party...

Peace,

OC

6 comments:

Me. Here. Right now.12/30/2008 10:35 PM
OC - Get your meds leveled out. Then think - and know people are here for you, k?
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Anna12/31/2008 7:10 AM
Big virtual hugs coming your way.

And I echo Lori's advice.
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Earth Muffin12/31/2008 8:44 AM
Things have a way of working themselves out. 2009 will be your year, OC!
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Janet12/31/2008 5:33 PM
yes and yes -- echo what has already been said. get the meds, see the counselor. I'd frankly keep my cards close you know...you don't have to come out to get a divorce and I'd be thinking about doing what most insured keeping custody of my children.

peace-
janet
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Mama Llama12/31/2008 7:29 PM
I am here...you know that. Not qualified to advise, but qualified to listen, read, empathize/sympathize and empower as best I can. I am one of your greatest Cheerleaders.

With love, you know that.

Be well, OC.
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Middle Girl12/31/2008 7:40 PM
Here, here what everyone else said. Above all, be kind to yourself. Be safe.

Peace.
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My Sound Track

31 & Falling -- Chris Pureka
Beauty & The Beast --Stevie Nicks
Blood and Fire -- Indigo Girls
Bridge Over Troubled Water -- Aretha Franklin
Cold Shoulder -- Amy Ray
Cross Over To Me--Caitie Curtis
Drift Away -- Dobie Gray
I Knew I Loved You -- Savage Garden
I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry -- Cowboy Junkies
If I Needed You -- Lyle Lovett
Imagine -- John Lennon
In Memory Of Trees -- Enya
Me & My Baby--Amy Ray
Rock & Roll Heavens Gate--Indigo Girls
Romeo & Juliet--Indigo Girls
Sexuality -- KD Lang
The Weakness In Me -- Joan Armatrading
Three County Highway, Indigo Girls
Where I Stood--Missy Higgins
You Can Sleep While I Drive -- Melissa Etheridge
You're The Reason -- Antigone Rising

81 Things About Me

81 Things About Me

1. I'm blond.
2. I'm the oldest child.
3. I got my drivers license on my 16th birthday.
4. My favorite color is red.
5. I've never been skiing.
6. I never want to go skiing.
7. I went to catholic high school for one year.
8. My cat is 18 years old.
9. My car is always messy.
10. My kitchen is always clean, even when the rest of my house is a mess.
11. I spent years wearing acrylic fingernails.
12. I can sing the songs to every episode of the Backyardigans.
13. I can sing every song of the wiggles.
14. I have fat calves.
15. My favorite shoes are Birkenstocks and Keens.
16. I have a weakness for vanilla smelling anything body products.
17. I'm a burrito snob.
18. I'm a really good cook.
19. I love to cook.
20. I have a fire engine red Kitchen Aide mixer that I will never divorce.
21. I'm a Stevie Nick's fanatic.
22. I lived by the beach for 20 years.
23. I have a lot of Barry Manilow on my iPod.
24. I have a lot of Bon Jovi on my iPod.
25. I got my ears pierced for the 1st time when I was 10.
26. I have two kids.
27. I'm a terrible student.
28. I'm terribly nosy, and will google you.
29. My favorite fruit is watermelon.
30. My favorite TV show is Criminal Minds.
31. I love Sex and the City.
32. I'm trying to figure out who will actually go see SATC with me a the theater.
33. I've never owned a new car.
34. I'll probably never own a new car.
35. My pets all live to be extremely old.
36. I have a red car.
37. I nursed my son for 2 1/2 years.
38. I was only able to nurse my daughter for 4 months.
39. I still have boxes of albums and no turntable to play them on.
40. 50 is getting closer than I'm comfortable with.
41. I own a Ron Popiel Showtime Chicken Roaster.
42. I use aforementioned roaster at least once a week.
43. I used to be a chain smoker.
44. I quit smoking cold turkey. I've never had another ciggarette.
45. I'm a coffee addict.
46. I have really good hair.
47. I have really bad legs.
48. I love down comforters.
49. I love flannels sheets, but not with down comforters.
50. I used to be a fairly good potter.
51. I've had a computer since they were on DOS.
52. This is my 2nd Mac computer.
53. I'll never own a PC computer again.
54. My favorite junk food is Dorritos dipped in sour cream.
55. My favorite drinks are Tom and Jerry's.
56. I can't stand any kind of light colored beer.
57. I've seen a bear.
58. I used to be very shy when I was a child.
59. I'd kill for a Noah's Bagel.
60. I'm a night owl.
61. I babble in the car, I love to talk.
62. I never expected people to actually read my blog.
63. I am an expensive perfume whore.
64. I have a temper.
65. I work hard to control my temper.
66. I grew up in the desert.
67. I hate sushi.
68. I love Diet Coke.
69. I hate Diet Pepsi.
70. I made all my kids baby food.
71. My 1st car was a 76 Yellow Honda Civic Hachback with a black stripe.
72. I worked in an amusment park for the fee rides on the roller coasters.
73. I miss "MTV", the real old "MTV".
74. I have 3 piercings in each ear.
75. I have no tatoo's.
76. I really don't like chocolate that much.
77. I love gummi bears.
78. White gummi bears are my favorite.
79. I shave my legs every day.
80. I love Disco music.
81. I can drive a stick shift.