The wind howls tonight outside my window.

It's a wild sound. A sound that makes me tremble. It shakes up my soul. Wind like this is a powerful thing. It makes you sit up, take notice and say, OK, you win.

Wind in Montana, is a thing to behold. I grew up in the wind of tumble weeds and desert dust. I laughed all my life when people would talk about "how windy" it was that day. I knew that wind was a breeze.

Here, in this vast place, the wind is a force to behold. I don't even mind it. In the desert growing up, I did mind it. Here I don't. Here it makes me feel like the force is here with me. This is powerful stuff folks.

The holiday season always sends me into a tail spin of sorts. I've really felt it this month. I worked so hard on the Obama elections, that when it was over, I had a let down. I realized the holidays were coming, and I wasn't ready for them. I shopped, I made a nice holiday for my kids, but inside I've been howling just like this wind. I want out. I'm getting closer.

I didn't think, when I started this journey nearly 2 years ago, it would take me this long to really come to terms with me. I didn't think about much of anything then, except that I was falling in love with a woman, and all the sudden the truth was right there in front of me. I am GAY. It made total sense to me, when I thought about it. It is my truth. But it's not my life right now.

I wonder why I had to move to Montana to find this out. Maybe it was just because "she" was here, and "she" was the one to show me the way. When I opened my eyes, it became so crystal clear to me. There is nothing "bi" about me. I am pure lesbian. I love men, as friends, as family, but not as soul mates. Not as a lover should. I realized I had really never enjoyed a man's body. I had worshiped it. I tried, I swear I did. But all the sudden, when I was taking off "her" clothing, I knew, that "this" was me. This was right. This was who I am.

It's such a slow creeping and crawling path for me. I feel closer to me. I am closer to me. I'm not super sure I'm closer to making my life be the way I want it to be, but I know, I am inching my way forward every day.

I sometimes wish I was the type of person who could say..."wow, I'm gay, get me outta here now", and just run for the hills. Unfortunately or fortunately (depending on how you look at it) that is not me. I am loyal by nature. I know I made promises that I have to find some way inside to fulfill, even if I break them, I must do it in the way that feels true to my soul.

I am a Mac living in a PC world. I say this in the sense, that I just don't quite "fit" in. I've tried, God knows I've tried. I have listed to country music, wishing I could fall for a man like the women do. I've made bad decisions regarding me, and now looking back, I wonder if it wasn't my subconscious telling me that no man was right for me.

I'm getting older, but I relish this. I miss my 20's body, but I don't miss my 20's confusion. I think the real reason it took me till now to figure this out, is I needed to have my kids. Now that they are here, in my life, it's easier to see that there is a truth about myself that I have never let myself really see. It's there, it's always been there.

I went to movies because of the women acting in them. I've always been drawn to women musicians. I've loved women artists. I've been openly accepting of gay people, even when it really wasn't cool to be that way. But for me, for OC, I've never let myself have that luxury.

I am now. I will walk through this fire and come out whole on the other side, I swear I will. If nothing else, I've always been strong, tenacious and stubborn as hell. These qualities will be my fried int he coming years.

I've been reconnecting to my past in a big way. I've found people on Facebook that I sense will be there for me. People from my past. People that all the sudden, I have faith in. I've found a lot of people I don't have that faith in as well, but it's weird. I have a connection to some of these folks, and I know that for what ever reason, they are dropping back into my life for a major reason now. My life is coming full circle. I'm connecting to people that I started with. I'm finding soul food in these people. I feel a sense of love and acceptance from them.

I remember growing up in the desert. I remember their faces from way back. I can still see them in the middle aged faces that I see in their photo's now. It's funny, most of these people are men, not women. I've always loved men, I just don't "love" them.

Ok, enough rambling for one night.

I think OC is back, the not writing thing has been hard. I'll start working on what I have left of the 30 question meme tomorrow. If you have any more questions for me, shoot them my way. I have them all listed and I will answer them in the order received.

Peace,

OC