Reflections of a Mama Seeing The Light For the First Time in Years.

I had a good day today. In fact I had an awesome day.

I was home alone, all day, with just Little Miss and Small Son. We had a blast. Seriously, they are getting to the age where they are just fun. We built towers with their Magnatiles. We watched Sleeping Beauty tonight with fresh hot buttered popcorn. We played in the snow for hours. We plowed the driveway and our road with the quad. One kid in front of me, one holding onto me from the back. It was a serious blast of gargantuan proportions.

I have my best days, just me and my kids. They are the easy free flowing days I always dreamed of having as a kid, but never did. This morning, they woke up before me.

I was lying in my bed, listening to them play. They were playing with the "kids" which translates into Little Misses new dolls. Then they got on their new "laptops" and checked their email. I just laid there, enjoying the cuteness of it. They really liked their Christmas gifts. That makes me so happy, it really does.

I'm starting to realize, that even though my life is so hectic because of them, they are also exactly what is saving me from destruction. I hold myself together, I go to work, I make a life, for them, for me. It became clear to me on Christmas day, that I really didn't want for anything. Hubby asked me all month what I "wanted" for Christmas, and I was really unable to come up with more than, "I need a new blow dryer". So he got me various gift cards and the blow dryer, and the calendars he gets me every year with beautiful photos of San Francisco. I was just happy to let the kids have fun. They were so excited. It was so wonderful just to watch.

This is the first year that I really let go of the expectations of what I "want" for Christmas. As a child, I was always disappointed. My mother never did get me what I wanted, and would buy my sister so much stuff she did want. It seemed that she delighted in making me miserable, all the while rubbing my nose in what she got for my sister. I spent years, being hurt and trying to act grateful for whatever disappointing gift was thrust at me that year.

I've been lucky, because despite his faults, hubby really does try to please me when it comes to gifts, I think that has a lot to do with the healing I've felt. But even more so, I realized this year, that all I wanted was my kids, and to be with them, and to love them, and to be a good mother to them. I love them both to distraction.

I think I am just growing up.

By accepting who I am, what I am, it has really helped me to put into perspective what has been so hard for me my entire life. As much as I'm trapped here right now, I'm trapped in the freedom of my own mind.

I'm not trying to pretend I'm something I'm not. I'm not feeling the need to have sex with hubby. I haven't in almost a year, and I think I'm almost proud of this. I feel like it would be cheating on myself to do this. I'm not sure how he is feeling about it, since he doesn't talk to me about it, but right now, until I'm ready, I'm glad he is not pushing me.

I'm increasingly dependent on my computer, since it really is where I live my "real life" so to speak. It's where I am "me" and not the "me" trying to fit in here. This is the place where my emotional needs are being met to a certain extent.

This is where I get my best advice. Not only from blogging, but I've been a member of an online mommy group since 2002. We are a tight bunch of friends at this point, and I feel like they are family to me. I have met many of them in person, in fact my vacation this summer was all about them.

It was wonderful. I am lucky. Maybe this isn't real life to some people, but to me, in a lot of ways it is. My "real" life, excluding my kids, is more the "fake" life for me. It is the place where I don't come clean Where I don't tell all. Where I don't really care what they think about me much. It's the place where they don't get me, or the life I've led before I moved here, to the boondocks.

Most of the people in my "real" life were born right here in the boondocks, and know nothing else. I'm not judging them, I'm merely stating a fact. They have no concept of what my life was before I moved here. To them, I'm the strange liberal woman with the Obama stickers on her car that "came" from CA.

One of my online mommy group friends posted a caption above a photo she posted of the trip that read, "my fake friends in real life". How apropos. Because truly the people that know me best live in my computer. I'm computer savvy. I don't trust what is out here for the most part. I've been online since the days of the old BBS services. I've got good intuition.

The few really good trustworthy friends I have in real life still live in CA, and I'm out to them, and they know about my blog. It's here, I feel the need to be careful. To not do anything until I'm ready, because of where I live, and what sort of custody issues I might face.

The thing is, I really do have much better days with just the kids and I. As much as I love hubby, it's easier all around when he isn't here. When I don't have to worry about him. The kids and I really do have a blast together, and are learning how to make it work with just the three of us. This is so incredibly fulfilling for me. To have these two little people to love, to argue with, to guide hopefully down the right path. It sounds silly, it sounds cliche' but my life really didn't begin until I had my kids.

I then went into a 4 year baby coma, and now I'm finally coming out on the other side. Any of you that have kids, will know what I mean by this. It's that feeling of not having to haul everything plus the kitchen sink with you everywhere. It's that feeling of not having to carry kids constantly It's that feeling of knowing they are thinking for themselves and not completely dependant on you.

It's a walk, that I think only another parent can understand. I don't mean it in a bad way, but until you have walked the walk, you have no idea of what it is really like. I sure as hell did not. Just the never being able to turn it off, was so so hard. I wanted to sleep, so what, the baby is awake. I want that new CD, sorry, can't afford it, I need diapers. The list goes on and on.

Maybe I will find the strength to do this after all. Maybe, just maybe I'll be able to reconcile my feelings for hubby, and my feelings of needing to take care of myself and my need to make sure my kids are taken care of. I know I'm the parent that does take care of them better. I KNOW this. He does it when he is in the mood, I do it all the time.

How do you define the love a mother feels for her children? It's beyond powerful. It's primal. I love them so hard, that I can not even fathom the amount of it. I feel like I love my kids more than anyone else loves their kids (which I know is a complete falsehood), but my feelings for them are that strong. I have wonderful kids. Beautiful kids. Intuitive kids.

The best thing is, I know they know how much I love them. They are secure in that one thing.

I think 2009 holds much promise. I look forward to what it will bring to both me and my children.

Peace,

OC