I Honestly Love You

Where do I even start?

I'm trying to go on a dairy/wheat free diet for anti-inflammatory reasons. I feel so frustrated. I went to the local "health food" store tonight, and it was such a tease. Every time I walk in there, I am assaulted by smells from home. It's the smell a real food store has. It's coffee brewing, strong seasonings, body oils, soaps, incense etc...

I do enjoy going in there and I do it often. Our store has a small book section. Herein lies the tease, there really are no books. Just a few well spaced books that make me hunger for more. For books on diet, spirituality, etc...

Our local book store, (if you can call it a book store) has a gay/lesbian section, but wouldn't you know it, it's right up front by the coffee shop. Not in the back, by all the chairs and comfy places to sit.

This is only a small portion of my frustration tonight. I did drive to Bozeman a few weeks ago to check out their book store, and it had a very sad little gay/lesbian section as well. Not at all what I wanted or was used to. So tonight I spent some time perusing Amazon.

I'm so tired.

Hubby and I talked tonight. We really talked. I don't know how I feel. I think relief.

I should tell you, we got into a horrible nasty fight on Saturday, one where he called me so many nasty names, I can't even repeat it.

The kids heard the whole thing I'm sure. Sunday we had a peaceful home day and pretty much ignored what had happened on Sunday.

So tonight, I was feeling really frustrated with the clinginess of small son, and we started talking about it. I really do think hubby is working hard on his addiction issues as he has been much more "here" since we had the "talk" a few weeks ago.

Anyway, we talked about small son, then we started talking about our marriage. He said again, he would "move upstairs" and help me at night with the kids, and try to break small son from his nightly migrations into my bed. I told him, "I'm really sorry, I don't want you to move back upstairs".

We talked and talked.

He said he was really sorry for everything he said on Saturday, which I do believe because he is not a name caller in general.

I told him some really hard things tonight. He kept asking me how we could "fix" us. I told him that I didn't know or think it could be fixed. I told him I didn't think he felt any more romantic towards me than I did towards him.

He said "I'm trying so hard, and I don't know what to do".

I said, "I know you are. I'm sorry, but I can't promise you that if you do A, B and C this will be fixed, but you do need to fix yourself for you and the kids".

I told him again, I had no desire to mess with his relationship with the kids, that I didn't want to take everything from him. One of the things he said on Saturday was that I was "money" hungry.

He apologized again tonight for that, but I told him I will spend money on my kids as I see fit. He was angry that I spent money on Small Sons BD party. I told him that he didn't help me with it, so he had no right to judge what I did or didn't do with that party, and that I will not deprive my kids of things I feel are important just because he won't get a job.

He asked me if our marriage was "over". He asked me if he could go to counseling with me on Thursday. I told him that I didn't know if it was over, but I was leaning in that direction. I told him I didn't want him going to counseling with me, but that I thought it was a good idea if he sought it out for himself. I told him my counseling sessions were "my" space.

I told him that the death of our marriage really happened years ago, when Little Miss was a baby. I told him that I did love him, and would always love him, and that we were family, but that I didn't feel married to him.

I told him I didn't want to make love to him, and that he needed to cope with that however he saw fit. I told him that I was working through my own stuff, and that he had to work through his.

He kept telling me, "that he can't bring things up", and that "I should have brought this stuff up years ago". I told him it wasn't my sole job to bring stuff up, and that obviously I had a hard time of bringing up issues or I would have done it then.

We talked civially for much of the night. Without anger. I told him I wasn't "blaming" him, but simply telling him how I got where I am now. I told him I don't want him out of my life, but that I didn't know if being married was the answer either.

I didn't bring up the fact that I'm a lesbian. I am not ready to let that cat out of the bag with him just yet, not after seeing how angry he was on Saturday. I also told him that he had a right to be angry, and that my anger really had been last summer. I told him I had been dealing with this for the better part of two years, and it has snuck up on him. I told him I understood his anger at me.

I didn't say the word divorce tonight, but I did on Saturday. I think the point I really got across tonight was that I really am pretty much done being married to him, but that I wanted him in my life, and I wanted to work toward having a peaceful relationship toward the kids. I told him I did love him, and that he was the only "family" I really feel like I have, and that is one of the things that makes this so terribly hard for me.

I stressed over and over he had a right to his feelings. He had a right to be angry with me. That I was OK with him being angry with me if that was what he needed to do.

Tonight was seriously profound. We went someplace we never have. We were honest. I told him I thought that him cutting the 411 down the way he has, and getting it all out of the house, and away from me and the kids had really done a number on him in a good way. He is more communicative, he is more present.

The thing is, it's too late for me, and I told him that. I also told him it's not too late for himself or his children. That he HAS to take care of them, and that I did think he was a wonderful daddy. And that was the best part of him.

I told him over and over, I didn't want to take his kids away. I told him I didn't think I could manage a week away from them. He suggested we each take them one week at a time, and I told him that was too long. In the beginning of our conversation tonight, he said that he thought I would look forward to having a "week" off. I told him that wasn't true, I really just wanted a few hours off. I feel hopeful that we both know and love the kids enough to work out some sort of custody arrangement so that they are least effected.

I feel like running away with a quiet brunette for a week of solace at the sea. I need some quiet loving and I'm feeling like I'm on the road to getting that. I feel like maybe when I say, "I need to go somewhere". He is going to get it. I am detaching.

I feel hopeful that maybe we can work this out between us. The thing that has scared me all along was losing him out of my life. Maybe I won't lose him.

I do feel like he is internally preparing himself for what is to come. Tonight, after we were both fried, I said, "can we just drop this for a bit and play GH for awhile". So we did.

Maybe after this journey, I'm nearly at home plate...wouldn't that be amazing? Bearsmountain is getting close to 2 years old. How is it I've been blogging this long, and have so many posts under my belt. I didn't really think I'd ever get here to this place, were I'm not feeling such anguish, but more peace and forgiveness than I've felt in a long time.

It's a start anyway. Maybe a fresh start?

Peace,

OC