Today is Small Son's 6th Birthday. Hubby and I nearly got in a fight tonight. I finally looked at him and said, "look, it's Small Sons BD, we can fight tomorrow, drop it".
It started because I asked him just how many jobs has he applied for since our talk. He started in about me "giving him some slack".
I sniped back at him, "I've been giving you slack for years, I'm tired of giving you slack". Then I told him I didn't want to hear it, and that I didn't think he realized just how serious I was. He told me he did, and I again said, "No, I don't really think you understand how serious I am about this."
Tonight I reserved a PO Box in town for myself. I just have to take in my ID, pick up the keys and it's mine. Tomorrow sometime I'm going to go open a checking account in my own name, and this weekend I'm transferring all my credit card bills to that.
I'm in he middle of the letter. I am feeling much stronger. I'm going to get out of here. I'm going to make it happen.
I was talking to "T" this week, and I told her that it hit me like a ton of bricks that if he really wanted things to work, he would have really been working on this crap since the night we had "the talk". She agreed. I talked to her about how I felt myself backslide into "home life" again after that. How I found myself really thinking about whether if he did what I wanted, I could make this work. Not leave, and keep an intact family for my kids.
The thing is, he is not working toward it, and I have no patience. I'm angry and I feel it coming out again. I am going to set things up this week, then work on really breaking it in the next few weeks.
I'm just pissed. My being gay has so little to do with why I really want out of this marriage. It is certainly a factor, but it's not the biggest factor. He gave up on us years ago, and I'm just starting to figure it out. While I've been busy working, he's been busily feeding his addictions and sloughing off. He is still making only $7.00 something an hour, but this is from a guy in CA who made nearly $70,000 grand a year. WTF.....we have small children, and he makes 7 and change an hour. He was complaing tonight about how much it was going to cost to keep Small Son in his summer day care program, and that is what started the entire thing, because I told him he'd better be looking for something so that we could afford it. That is when the "give me some slack" crap came up, and I lost it.
I was looking around my house again this week, the biggest thing in my way is getting it ready to sell. He has no idea I want to sell, he will soon enough. I'm all for a storage unit to get the crap out of here so that it's empty, tidy and lovable.
I've been looking at places online. Soon I will really look. I realized there is very little I care to take out of this house. My personal stuff yes, all the furniture, junk, I don't really care about except my Kitchen Aid Mixer. How bad is that, it's come down to my mixer....
I'm going to make one more big purchase soon because I'm pretty sure I won't be able to afford it when this goes south. I want it included in the joint debt. So there...I'm getting ready to bolt.
I'm not even feeling really bad about it tonight.
I'm going to bed,
Peace,
OC
it sounds like you are using your anger for motivation and that is a good thing. however, having been through this myself, can i make a suggestion? take all the furniture you will need with the kids, it will cost you alot to buy all new again.... and not having to be broke will make everything easier on you in your new home. you can always get rid of stuff as you can afford to replace it, down the line. just a thought.
ReplyDeletebut good for you!
C
you're getting there....moving ahead is hard, but sometimes it's even harder to stay still.
ReplyDeleteIt's a good and necessary thing to be able to think in practical terms (i.e. making the big purchase part of joint debt). Don't feel badly about it.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, get the house as uncluttered as you possibly can for a sale. People hate looking at houses full of "stuff."
Good luck.
Good luck to you! I did this in October, except I had to leave everything, including the kids. I took five days worth of clothes. Believe me -- this sounds callous -- take everything you can, photos, CDs, DVDs, especially things that the children like. Making a home away from home with familiar items will be a comfort.
ReplyDeleteAnger can inspire a person to do many things. You're getting there!
ReplyDeleteI'd consider talking to a divorce lawyer about what to do with things, the house etc. So that you come out in the best financial place for your children that you can.
ReplyDeleteDon't abandon the house as that might not work well for you in the divorce.
I've been reading your blog for awhile now and I've been quite concerned for you, but I must say, I'm really proud of you. I knew that you would regain your strength of purpose and find your way again, after a little bit of doubt. I am sending good vibes your way to help in your resolve during the next few weeks. I can tell that it will be the best thing for you, your kids, and ultimately, your husband in the long run! Good luck!
ReplyDeleteAll I can do is offer you hugs. You know I'm thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteTake care of YOU.
Be well, OC.
I go away for a couple weeks and look what happens. Way to go!
ReplyDelete