Pace and an Old Crone

I'm feeling more certain than ever that I'm on the right path.

Today, I felt such relief to have said the little I did. I'm moving to the right place. I can feel it. I've never felt this before. This sense of peace, and I know it's only a taste of what is to come when I get my life straightened out.

I'm feeling much more forgiving towards hubby. Not in the sense I want to be with him, but on a personal level. My anger is leaving. I feel ready to move forward, finally. To steal a line from my friend Nina on Closer to Fine:

"Coming Out coming out appears to me to be, a series of leaps and creeps not always in the same direction. coming out appears to me to be, aided by the slight of hand of a magician. coming out appears to me to be, a lifetime of lefts and rights a constant imperfect navigation." ~NINA~

I know I've mentioned a few times the impact Nina and "Closer to Fine" has had on me. She was the first blog I read. I found her by googling the song "Closer to Fine" by the Indigo Girls. I reached out to her in a desperate plea, and she reached back and held my hand and has been uber supportive all of this time. She deserves a special place in my heart, just for being the strong woman she is.

It's been a long journey for me now. So much pain. So much anguish. It's not over by any means, but I can finally see the light, way off in the distance. I feel myself again. I told hubby last night that I had lost "me". I had been swallowed up by motherhood, preemie babies, sick babies, working full time, being a wife, that somewhere in the process, OC couldn't find herself anymore. I ignored it for a long time, I ignored it until I couldn't ignore it anymore.

It takes time, and courage to keep moving. I've lost my courage more times than I can count now. "T" says that I am really good at making things really hard.

I'm going to my coffee place to write tomorrow night. I've decided.

I'm going to make homemade hummus...which I am really good at making.

I realized today, looking in the mirror, I am starting to look more butch than I ever have. It's a look. I'm not trying, but it's showing. I wonder who see's it. I'm sure some people do. I keep wondering if hubby can tell. I so want to tell him, to let him off the hook. The thing is, as nasty and mean as he was this weekend, I'm not sure he won't get really mean about that too. I will know when the right time is to tell him I'm sure.

One thing that is becoming very clear to me, is that this process is going at the speed this process should go. But I do feel the smallest glimmer of the "me" I am becoming.

Peace,

OC